6 months catch up....

Well, where does time go? Briefly, mum has gone back North, only to decide she doesn't want to get back with my dad, and wants to move back down here again! Though she now has to wait for the sale of dad's flat to afford to move, and pay for the divorce! I had a weird dream last night that she was getting married, but the guy hadn't even proposed yet but she had the date set the dress booked etc etc! lol! Probably how she would do it if she could.
Therapy finished, then a couple of months later I cut back my ad's to 20mg, as apparently I had been on 40mg too long, and that was knocking me out. I felt as though I was sleep walking thorough life, dropping of to sleep if I sat still for more than 20 minutes, and feeling too tired to do anything. Had blood tests to check thyroid etc, to make sure it wasn't anything else making me tired. Still feel tired a lot, but not as bad. Still struggling to get on top of housework, or get any motivation. Planning my sisters wedding next year has been great, helping her organise everything has occupied quite a bit of my time. Spending more time with my kids, trying to be a better mum.
Had a meeting with the school about my son and the possibility of dyslexia last month, and they had a test they do at the school, which they ran, and it came back as 'some dyslexic tendencies' but nothing too concerning, though they said it was a little early to tell as he should be 8 and he is only 7... he has come on leaps with his reading, writing is still terrible, and spelling is abominable, bit like mine, and we are having a review with the school at the beginning of December, when the head checks all the 'special needs' kids with their reading standards. So will see what happens over then next few months. He still has one on one tuition, so I am just pleased that he is getting the help he needs really and not trying to fix him with any label.
My sister who was going off the rails is now protesting her undying love for her hubby and everyone one else is now a hypocrite or jealous. Keeping a bit of distance from her as don't want to get dragged into her woe is me life when she has no consideration for anyone but herself. I could be dying and it would still be all about her. My other sister is getting married next year and asked me to be chief bridesmaid, which was lovely and unexpected. So she is in the throes of getting ready, only 3 months to go! And my brother split from his wife for a couple of months, had us all running around him, as you would for family, and has gone back to her, which I am glad about, but now don't hear much from him again. Still, he is happy so that is what counts.
I have been getting migraines, pre menstrual and ovulation ones, so I know when to expect them, and after one horrendous one a few months back and having hubby call for an ambulance, I saw the doctor 3 times and ended up with extra strong pain killers, and the order to take paracetamol every day for a week leading up to migraine attack times! As it is, I have not had such bad attacks since, though I am officially late this week and so I am waiting for a big one to hit me.
Well, think that is my updates done. Off to finish my glass of red, and watch a bit more tv before bed. night all xx

update

Lost count of the times I have posted/gone through mum getting divorced, not getting divorced etc etc, and now she is moving back up north - again. This time, dare I say it?..... I think it might be the time she does what she says she is going to do....but then there are 3 weeks before she has to move out so there could still be a change!!!! Just wish she would stick to doing one thing....!

Therapy going well, was going great then hit another low patch last month, very tough session, and then had some tough times after, bad times in my marriage, but we seem to be working through it again. Picking myself up again, and realise I need to do something again about my weight. Can't find the scales to see how much I have put on again, but my clothes are all getting too tight, some not fitting anymore :( So need to get the motivation to get back to the exercise. Going to get walking to school more too when the weather gets better.

Hubby had some tests done and was sent for diabetes test, find out result tomorrow. Don't think that is the problem though myself, think it might be spondilitis. We will have to wait and see.
Well, short and brief, off to sort out my youngest and get her to nursery. and get the motivation to do some cleaning!

Therapy

Started two weeks ago with the CBT. Had my 2nd session yesterday. I know people have said that you can feel worse sometimes after before feeling better, and yesterday I realised that it can be true. I went there thinking/feeling a lot better thinking 'do I really need to go, I am doing very well this week...' to realising that I do, ended up crying most of the session! I think confronting thoughts can be hard, and we skirted some of the harder ones that were too painful. On a good note, as I brought up about maybe loving one child more than the other, she tried to get me to think about why, and I thought maybe I was compensating for the birth trauma, fact that I could have lost her so love her more, but she made a point I had never ever thought of, as I had mentioned that whenever my hubby says that surly I would go through everything again to have her, I don't think I would, and that is why I am more loving/lenient towards her, as I feel guilt that I would not go through it again.... very eye opening.
Got a book on depression, 'Depression, the curse of the strong' to try and help hubby understand. I want to try and read it first though and see if he would benefit from reading it, or pick holes in it (which he probably will do no matter what!)
Hoping to get away for a couple of days with the family next month. Have my sons birthday at the end of this month, and thanks to hubby's contacts we have got a party at partyman world for free!(He is doing them a free write up in the paper!) All we have to do is provide the cake! So a ben 10 cake is all it is costing .....PHEW!
Mum is back to getting divorced....last week she went from it being on, to off to on again in the space of 5 days! It's now been done online, paid for and should be through within 12 weeks...so we shall see! Never say never I have learnt as far the the whole mum/dad/together/not goes. It has made me laugh though.... which is better than pulling my hair out! I also think she has her eye on someone! haha! ah well, going to go now, got to pick up my son and then come home and veg out...as I am having one of those days...

Bad night

Feeling down.
Wondering if I can keep fighting.
Is it worth the fight?
Can go from doing so well to him saying something and it comes crashing down....why?
Why do I react this way? Why does it hurt so much?
Why is it all so hard ...
Should be in bed... got to get up early in the morning...but just don't think I can sleep. ... . trying to get these thoughts out of my head so I can go to bed and get some sleep....
Just want to scream, and cry. Can't even blame pmt! unless that is starting two weeks early now....oh damn it all!
Feel like I am losing a battle...and it's a battle I am not even sure I want to fight anymore.
Hubby says I am being a drama queen like my mum, after attention. Ha! If I was after attention I would walk out on everything....calls me mellow dramatic. We were out as a family just after new year when I told him how low I was, and we were at the beach, and I was looking out to sea, thinking about just walking into it, leaving it all behind. He came over and asked what I was thinking...I said truthfully? He said yes, so I told him. He said he knew that, but thought I was being OTT. I thought we were getting somewhere, seems I was wrong. I had a week, possibly two, where he was more attentive, did the ironing and helped with getting stuff cleaned up, and rang from work to check I was ok, then BAM, as soon as I am 'ok' it all stops and is back to normal. I am forgotten. It is forgotten.
'Who is looking after you?' - That is what my councilor asked. WHO? There is no one. Only me. Just me.... and who is 'me'?

Still feeling crap

Up visiting family for the holidays. Managing to get out of bed and put on a face, most of the time. Had a big bust up in the family, got upset over it all, and wondered what is the point of trying anymore. Life is just crap. Mum isn't going to change. She blames my hubby for everything! Never mind that her hubby is the one who goes out looking for cock and calls her too fat to fancy! Nooo, my hubby should never have told me, he should have kept it to himself and told her only!!! WTF!

Feel like I am getting further and further away from them all, even to the point of thinking if anything ever went wrong with me and hubby I wouldn't want to move back here. Can' t be doing with all the hassle and this and that and who did/said what.

Mum is back with dad. Divorce off. Not moving back here though. I think she wants him to move away with her somewhere, but he won't as his work/friends/lifestyle is here. My sister is getting further away and in her own world. Still uncertain of weather she is after another man, my sister thinks she is only staying with her hubby because she couldn't cope with the kids on her own, and loves her youngest too much to leave them behind. My other sister is just coping and getting on with life, still trying to have a baby, but getting nowhere. I think they may start to think about adoption if she doesn't get any more help with ovulating etc.

We are heading back home tomorrow, had enough. Mum is staying with dad and coming back on the train. Tablets will hopefully kick in soon and I will get some motivation to get off my butt and clean the house, sort out the rubbish, and get on top of things. And as my youngest starts nursery next week, I'll have 2 1/2 hours to get things done! just hope I can make the most of it, and hope to get back to the gym. Haven't been this month :(

Right, off to switch the rubbish off tv and go to bed and try get some sleep....

And it's all change again!!!

Yep, you guessed it. Divorce is back on! Mum is staying put. Will it last?!

Went to the doc and got increase on my meds, now 40mg and waiting to see a councillor. Been 5 days now... still not getting up and for the last two nights not been getting to sleep before 3am! Haven't been to the gym for over a week now. Didn't make my Aqua fit class. Just couldn't face anything. Feeling a little better, then wonder if I really was that bad? Then can't get up or motivated again! So up and down like a roller coaster!

Well, short and brief, got to sort out a crying toddler!

Hit a rough patch

Last week, well probably for the past fortnight, I seem to have been going downhill steadily. Not wanting to go out, sleeping in as long as I can, though I have been doing that for a good month or so now...so maybe it's been longer than the last two weeks?
Still on my tablets, taking 20mg all the time now instead of going down to 10mg when it's not totm. And I don't know if it is really doing anything, or helping. Should really go see the doc again, but can't get motivated to do it. It would mean getting out of bed early...
I have been going to the gym now for a month, trying to go 3 times a week, hoping that would help lift my mood. I do get motivated to go, and have done an Aqua swim lesson, booked in again this week, so it means getting up and ready at 8am, and I can do it, so why don't I do it every morning?
Thought I was heading for a breakdown again last week, just crazy thoughts in my head, of 'I can't do this anymore' going over and over and over again, freezing and staring off thinking 'I can't move, I can't move' and really wondering if I should book myself into a phsyc ward! But then thought, no, if I am thinking that I must have some sanity! Seems to have eased off a bit, not getting those thoughts, but still wondering if they will come back worse? If that makes any sence? Not really with it.
Mum is getting ready to move back up North, off in Febuary as she can't give notice on her flat, and has to be there until the lease is up. She has given a load of her stuff to a couple who are getting married next year, going to sell a couple of bits on ebay, and the rest will got to the charity shop. I have (or will) gained a deep fat fryer, a microwave/oven and a small tv and dvd player for my sons room! Oh and a set top box. One sister is gutted because she has sold the washing machine and she wanted it! Which reminds me, I am also getting the dryer! So I haven't done too bad I suppose!
Ok, think that's my moan for this week. Off to go sort out some tea, or get a takeaway as everyone is out at Panto!