Still feeling crap

Up visiting family for the holidays. Managing to get out of bed and put on a face, most of the time. Had a big bust up in the family, got upset over it all, and wondered what is the point of trying anymore. Life is just crap. Mum isn't going to change. She blames my hubby for everything! Never mind that her hubby is the one who goes out looking for cock and calls her too fat to fancy! Nooo, my hubby should never have told me, he should have kept it to himself and told her only!!! WTF!

Feel like I am getting further and further away from them all, even to the point of thinking if anything ever went wrong with me and hubby I wouldn't want to move back here. Can' t be doing with all the hassle and this and that and who did/said what.

Mum is back with dad. Divorce off. Not moving back here though. I think she wants him to move away with her somewhere, but he won't as his work/friends/lifestyle is here. My sister is getting further away and in her own world. Still uncertain of weather she is after another man, my sister thinks she is only staying with her hubby because she couldn't cope with the kids on her own, and loves her youngest too much to leave them behind. My other sister is just coping and getting on with life, still trying to have a baby, but getting nowhere. I think they may start to think about adoption if she doesn't get any more help with ovulating etc.

We are heading back home tomorrow, had enough. Mum is staying with dad and coming back on the train. Tablets will hopefully kick in soon and I will get some motivation to get off my butt and clean the house, sort out the rubbish, and get on top of things. And as my youngest starts nursery next week, I'll have 2 1/2 hours to get things done! just hope I can make the most of it, and hope to get back to the gym. Haven't been this month :(

Right, off to switch the rubbish off tv and go to bed and try get some sleep....

Topsy turvy

That's my life right now. All over the place.

Full of cold, feel crap, came on and want to sleep for England. Mum is 'off' dad again, 'he isn't going to change' ~ er, we've been telling you that for ages! Lets see how long that lasts eh?!

On a positive note, I have joined a gym (free! YAY!) and I am going to get myself sorted out! Been twice so far, and then got a cold so haven't been for a couple of days! Waiting to get back though so that must be good right? I am hoping to go 3 times a week to start, and build up. Should help on many fronts, moods, weight, fitness....



I am now a step-grandma....though don't call myself that as I don't really feel like a step-mum! Hubby's daughter gave birth Sunday, after going into labour Saturday afternoon. All I got from hubby was poor thing's had a hard time of it, going all this time, she's worn out bla-de-bla and all I could think was, yes, and when I gave birth to our son I was in labour for the same length of time too you know! Is that jealousy? I didn't say anything, as it would have seemed petty, but I still felt it! Ah well, he's here now, safe and well. Still have to go see him, though I was 'told off' for announcing on facebook that hubby was now a grandad! (Hence why I don't feel remotely part of all of this! I mean, why would MY family want to know, right?!!!) Ha, so much for controlling my anger! haha! Put it down to pmt! Being full of cold we probably won't get up there until next week now. And I am partly can't wait to see him, and partly, will I just be in the way, not involved etc etc....


And then, to add to it, hubby's eldest who is living with us went into hospital on Monday with suspected Asthma and acute bronchitis! He's still in there now. I asked if they told him to stop smoking, and hubby just said what has that got to do with it?! I told him it probably caused it! But he said he's too young to have it from that, it's just an infection, despite the fact their mother smoked all her life and then he started at about 17! But then hubby thinks the big 'smoking kills' is all a load of tosh! He knows loads of people who smoke and are fine! (His mum being someone who is held together by nicotine!) Anyway, we shall see what happens when he gets out.

As for me, just wish this could would go now, so I could get things done, get on top of things, cleaning/ironing etc. And get on with life.

Longest time between posts....

So much has happened.

Stepson now home and in the old laundry room, he was quite happy to go in there and as he arrived whilst I was visiting family, they got on with sorting it out for him so that is where he lives! Don't see much of him, as he spends most of his time in there! Has been useful though for when we needed an immediate babysitter!

Family visit....well, wish I hadn't stayed so long, just short of two weeks and I was sooo glad to get back home! I felt in the way, torn between mum/rest of the family, as they are all against her but feel sorry for my dad? Apart from my brother who still can't stand him, but doesn't have time for her either! Bit sad really, as they seem to blame her, came out with a lot of stuff etc that made me think about her differently and wish they hadn't, though she is still my mum, drives me potty, but I still love her to bits.

Speaking of mum, she is currently in the Mental Health Unit at the local hospital. Got a call to take her to the docs yesterday, which I felt put out by at the time, as it was tea time, and was just getting shopping in, but having a live-in baby sitter, I went and took her. She didn't say why she was going, but when she went in the nurse asked why she was down...so guessed what was going on... She was referred to psychologist at the A & E dept, so spent over an hour waiting to be seen, then got moved to the MHU and then I went to get her some night clothes, medications and bits, with the assumption that she would be home possibly today. They are keeping her in another night, but looks like she will be out tomorrow, and referred to GP to see the health team, why they can't sort all this out in there I don't know! She said today when I took more clothes up that the Psychologist had told her basically to buck up, there were worse people than her out there and she had to go home and face it....! Hmmmmm strange psychology to me to someone who wants to kill themselves! Anyway, not letting anyone else know, as they would be of the same opinion as my hubby that it is all for attention. But then, if it is, why not give the attention?! Just don't get it myself! As he says, if you are going to kill yourself just get on with it and don't faff....that's his psychology!

I think it is all hitting her. She was up looking after dad who got swine flu about a month back now, and when he was better he was off out, living his life, leaving her in, until she came home. They had talked about her moving back, but he admitted he didn't really want that, and that his relationship with the he/she meant more to him than her. He spends most of his time with and talking about her, even to mum, that she has finally taken the hint, and it has hurt her to think he spends the time with he/she that he never spent with her. She decided to go for divorce again, but is waiting for him to commit adultery again (!) which he basically admitted wouldn't take long.... Plus, she rang my brother to arrange to see her grandson, she says he never got back to her, he says she never bothered, top and bottom of it is she feels she will never see him. so that added to it all, and she thinks one sister won't talk to her, which in a way is kind of true, she will talk to her, but only if needed, and only basic stuff. My sister says she is 'cutting the bad' out of her life, including mum and dad, though she spends more time with him.... So this is where we are....limbo land. My aunt knows what is going on, as she was the one who told my mum to go to the doc as she was really worried about her.

Me, well, I am just coasting along really. Full of cold at the minute, which doesn't help with trying to get stuff done, have a mountain of washing from being away, and then all this, house is a bomb site, and I don't seem to get anything done! Still on the meds, probably why I am coasting through it all! Step daughter is due to drop in 3 weeks too, so will be off up North again soon! Still sleeping in most days, but with cold, that is my excuse! I have got up when we have been away, so I know I can do it, though I yawn all day! Oh, and another 'It could only happen to me' moments happened last week!

I went for my urology test, to check my bladder function. After getting there 10 mins late (not my fault, got stuck at the level crossing for 7 mins, then drove round the hospital car park for nearly 10 mins!) she said they would see me as they allowed 10 mins, and I had 'just' made it! Cheek! So go in, saying she has to rush etc and fills out the forms and goes to log it on the computer, when there is a power cut! Comes on again in a minute though so she re-boots, it hasn't saved so she starts again, bang, another one! She looked at me and said it is going to be one of those days! Anyway a student doc then arrives and asked if he could observe, I had no problem with it, with having 2 babies and umpteen examinations, nothing fazes me now (oh, and another one, whilst on holiday in Denmark, we went swimming----they don't allow showering in a costume! So they are all there, letting it all hang out, and I thought well, if they can do it, then why shouldn't I? ... haha! How brave...or naive? am I!) So, I digress, I pee in the chair that checks how much I do and how my flow goes (!) then they come back in and insert 2 catheters...one in vagina and one in urethra (?) then fill my bladder with saline. Very strange sensation! As it fills they sit me up and see if I leek...nope. So stand up, then I cough, and leek, then as she is filling my bladder I have to say when I get the 1st urge to pee, then when I would pee if at home, then when I would be rushing to find a toilet when out shopping,. and finally when I was bursting and had to go NOW! All the time she has me coughing between them. So, I get to the 3rd one and start to feel sick, I say 'can I sit down I feel sick, and she lowered me onto the potty, only for me to pass out! Next thing I am being dragged out of strange dream to sounds of 'you're ok, come on, are you there?' and there are about 6 people all around. They get me on the bed, put on a fan, and I start to realise what has happened and come round! She says she has never made anyone pass out before and she isn't going to live it down all day! They checked my blood sugar levels, as the only time I had felt the same was when I was pregnant and had a hypo, but it was fine, so they put it down to rushing around! I told the student doc, if anything was going to go wrong it would do with me! Thankfully, she said I didn't have to go through the test again, she had all the info she needed! PHEW!!! So, my bladder is fine, my bowel is slightly prolapsed through (?) which could be a small reason for the stress incontinence. So now I wait to see the consultant again and where we go from here, though I would not want surgery after my last time in theatre!

So, that's all ...wow, two months....what more can happen this year....?!

Month passes.....

And not much different! Mum still seeing dad, going to go up once a month and see how it goes. She has just renewed her contract for another 6 months down here, so seems to be staying put, for now. Still says she couldn't live with him...but can't live without him....?!

We are off up to visit the rest of the family next week...looking forward to seeing them! And my step-son is coming back to England to live again, moving in with us and applying for jobs in London. So don't know how long it will be for. I cleaned out the laundry room yesterday to see if we could make it his room, but it is too small and noisy with the boiler and stuff in there. So we are looking to get a cheap caravan to put in the back garden! That or put our two in one room and he has the other! Just need the cash now!!

Hubby working two jobs, and totally worn out most days. Yet still pushes himself. Bills, mortgages, loans, cards....then there's his daughter who is pregnant and due end of November who has just found somewhere to rent, so he's subsidising that until it's born and she gets it all paid for! So we scrape by, as everyone is I suppose.

My sister, who went off the rails, seems to be flirting again...on facebook. Don't know if she is intentional or naive! Though my sister who lives above her thinks she may be heading for trouble! I will see when I go up to stay. Just wish she would realise what she has! And my other sister is now not talking to my mum! Yet will still talk to my dad!?! Don't get it, though she blames it on things in the past, how we were brought up and she felt unloved compared to how mum loved dad...think we grew up in different families the way she goes on sometimes! We probably just all have different recollections of things.

Right, that's it for now, got to go bath the kids then sort out our tea. And try get my head in order!

The Saga continues.....

HAHAHAHA (can you hear the insanity?)

Well, I have just looked to remind myself what I had blogged last.....No Divorce. How time can changed in 2 weeks.....

Week 1

Phone call, 'going home' - ok - 20 mins later phone rings again....tears 'not going now' .....ok..... 'Getting a divorce'....My response...'YAY! sorry but you know how I feel. What has he done?' to which I got 'I don't want to get you involved, but I have grounds...' HURRARH!
Appointment made, ironically 32 years to the day after I was born she is seeing the solicitor to get a divorce.... all done, paperwork being sent....he is not going to contest, has sent a letter stating his infidelity, so he only has to sign the paperwork, it will go through whatever process, he has to sell flat, pay off debts (joint) and then split what is left..... Finally, we are getting there.

Week 2

Spoke, yet again, too soon.
I am sick with flu, haven't been out of bed for nearly 4 days when she comes round to help with the kids, as hubby is back to work....round at 4.30pm, sorts out kids tea, brings some beef she has cooked, asked if I wanted mine, and I wasn't really hungry. Then says 'I am getting a train at 6pm'......OH?! 'Where are you staying?'....asked tentatively while saying in my had 'not dad's not dads....' 'With Ann' ....... phew! Ok, so she is going, fare enough, she has missed her friends and my sisters and her grand kids up there....this is ok.....
Sister texts, she had dad round last night, telling her they are no longer getting a divorce, to keep her nose out and don't tell anyone! HE doesn't want to sell the flat. MONEY! It comes down to money, not love, feeling remorse, guilt...no, money!!!! He is picking mum up tonight and putting her up for the night.......
ARRRHHHGGGGGHHHHH! We have both had it now. She is going to have them round tomorrow and tell them a few home truths....
That didn't go too well, well, that is an understatement. He really is a piece of work. He called my sister Evil, said she had an evil streak and was an attention seeker and never did half the stuff she has done for attention (suicide attempts etc - for example, when she was 10 she took her 1st od, we ended up in family counselling, and he couldn't even remember it!!!) and that she wasn't part of his side of the family...that's my grandparents who died last year who were more like parents to us. Wouldn't say why he no longer wanted divorce, just said he loved mum....she said how can you call it love or a marriage, when you go out shagging around, and 3 weeks after she leaves you are in bed with another man?!! After much arguing, it seems she got no where. They are still together, as far as I know she is still staying at his, and she hasn't been in contact since my sister told her we all know they not getting divorce now and she is staying with him.....

Still feel crap, ache all over, get worn out doing tiny things, and hubby thinks I have just got a cold and to get on with it...'I went to work, did some labouring helping build an office....' MEN!
We also found out this week that he is going to be a Grandad!!! HAHAHA! Does that make me a step-grandma?! At 32 is that even possible? Yep, suppose it is! YIKES! His daughter is 3 months gone. He and her mum wanted her to get abortion...'she has limitations if she has it' Crap came out... I totally disagree with abortion. If, and she doesn't, she felt that way, I would have said, have it, and get it adopted, or I would take care of it, rather than abortion. So, my kids are going to be an auntie and uncle at the end of the year.....

Tell you, you couldn't make it up could you?

Ill - again!

Yes, got the lurgy....or a throat infection/flu that left me in bed for days unable to hardly swallow and sipping water even felt like razor blades cutting my throat. On anti-biotics now, which has helped me with the swallowing/ aches and shakes etc but still have a sore throat and stupid tickle that nearly makes me sick when I cough! Ah well, at least I am not dying!

Mum seems to be settling in well, just waiting on fridge freezer, which should arrive today, and her bed, which doesn't come until 2nd March...so she is kipping on the couch! Has stayed here, and is coming down tonight to stay while we jet off to sunny Scarborough to visit family, sort out the flat, etc, then it will be just over a week until her bed comes! She had problems with the heating, but it is sorted now!

One minute hubby has job at the council, next he doesn't....getting sick of it now! Been told, had emails etc but nothing on paper....so still waiting!!! On the other job front, he is having a meeting today with the big boss man to get some things sorted out, see how the land lies financially, as things seem to be worse than he thought.... :o( So going from being great, no worries in a few months financially, to woe, what have we done?! Ah well, still have roof over our heads....

I did get a cheque for the ppi insurance I had on an Egg loan that was missold! Yay! Thought of all the glorious things I could spend it on....then the bills came in! Just waiting for it to clear... from £750 to £600 already as the bank I paid it into have dropped my overdraft!

I did something I wish I hadn't....like I always do! Looked at something I shouldn't have...
I have always, from as far back as I can remember, loved going in my mums jewellery box. I never ever took anything, but loved trying it all on, and just seeing what was in it....well, when I was up unpacking her stuff before she got here, I came across it...so had to look!
When my grandad died last year, all my brother wanted of his was his 'best' watch, the one saved for special occasions, rolled gold. He couldn't find it. I suspected my dad had taken it first out of spite...or it had been pinched by someone and he hadn't noticed. Well, I have found a mans watch.... and don't know if it is my Grandads. I really should ask my mum, confront her if it is, but then should I have been going threw her jewellery? argggg! Don't want to ask my brother what the watch was like, as don't need any more trouble there. I am thinking it is one of 3 possibilities...1. My dad put it there and mum doesn't know. 2. My mum does know because she put it there. 3. It isn't even my grandads, but dads/her dads watch. Going to try build up the courage to say something today, and if it is Grandads, take it up for my brother!!!

Still stuck in a rut with the weight loss....thought I would have done well this week with being ill and not eating for nearly 2 days... but no, I have gained! Of to start swimming again when I get back I think! Well, that is about it for now.... Got to go get dressed, been waiting for my avon order to arrive since 7.30am and still no sign... hope he hasn't had an accident!

Nearly a month!

Where does the time go?!

Lots happened! Mum has finally come to her senses and is moving out...and down south to be near us! She has got a flat, is on the train as I type, and has some bits already in the (unfurnished) flat that were couriered down on Sunday, has ordered a bed, fridge freezer, washer and tv to be delivered this week, though the bed won't be here until March, so she will be staying at ours. We got a sofa and table from the local Cancer Hospice shop, and I think she wants to go get a wardrobe too...
Picked up a cheap kettle and toaster and kitchen bin/drainer etc from good old Argos, going to get an iron today... Dad been a w&*%er and was not going to get the money for her deposit and first months rent, but eventually got it out on his credit card, instead of going to see about a loan! But she has to pay him back!!! She has been given some money off my Auntie to buy the sofa/kettle/toaster and bits, and then is going to just see how she goes on. She will get her rent paid, being on disability living allowance, and most of the council tax, so just has to pay electric, water and food ... plus tv licence and phone, and sky if she gets it! I will become her carer, which my sister was up home, so will get £200 a month to care for her. So thinking of giving up the Avon, as it isn't taking off...credit crunch and all that!

My sister, silly, silly, silly child, has made a huge mistake. Fallen for the flattery of a married man, and nearly ruined her marriage, not to mention his. :( His wife has gone lived, as anyone would, nothing has happened, just lots of talk, deep emotions etc which I think can be worse than just casual sex/one off. It has all come out, he told his wife he was leaving her for my sister, though he had told my sister he wouldn't mention her name! MEN! She told her hubby, who loves her to the ends of the earth and has forgiven her, and just wants her reassurance that she loves him back...which I don't think she even knows if she does... :( very sad state of affairs. Married man has turned his back on my sister and is making a go of it with his wife, blaming my sister for doing all the running, flattering etc (he is older) and his wife has been 'harassing' my sister and her hubby. Having not been in that situation myself, I can't comment on how I would react, though I would probably slap the other woman and chop of hubby's bits!! So I have every sympathy for her. Apparently, he told my sister a lot of nasty stuff about his wife, so she feels she has done nothing as bad as she has, and 'how dare she call me a slapper', but as I said to her, two wrongs don't make a right! And it takes two!

It is coming up to the Anniversary of my Grandparents, and when they both died last year, Grandma in March, Grandad in June, we made a pact, us 4 kids, to meet up around the time of their anniversary, just us, to remember them by, as the best, and only example in our lives after the revelations from my parents, of true love. Seems a bit weird after all that has gone on recently! Trying to get things arranged, I am going up there in the hols for us to get together, still trying to get hold of my brother to see if he is free, and then we will just go out for a meal and remember the good times! And hopefully get my sister's head out of the clouds and back down to earth and her family!!

Kids have had one bug after another, with a short respite in between! Currently, they are full of cold, but coping well! I've had a migraine all weekend, should have carried on taking my magnesium when af arrived! I have learnt for next month! Hubby is doing ok at work, and trying to get the contract finalised for the council work. Think he is going to do both jobs, as he says he can spend one day a week on the council work, and the rest on sorting out the paper, which could go one way or the other!

Still not sorted the flat, we are staying in it when we go up next week, so will see what state it is in, though we have had a letting agent go round and he says a lot needs doing before renting it out.... more money we haven't got! Any way, still taking it a month at a time, which I suppose is one up from a week at a time! We have had to sell the little Mazda MX5 as it blew its engine! Sold it on ebay for spares/repair as it was going to cost £800 to do the work, and we had already spent £250 to find that out! Made it back with selling it, and £100 more, so have money to do the shopping this fortnight!

Well, think that is me up to date! Off to sort out my washing, oh, and lunch! Then shop, and pick mum up from the station! Exciting stuff!!!

Not much happening...

Usual stuff, like we seem to have a cold, get rid of it, only to get it back a week or two later! Little one's sleep pattern is all out of kilt, and she is now up until 1-2am, so driving us all nuts, though I do get to lie in until about 10am with her when hubby does the school run! So can't grumble!

Had terrible pmt, really bad. Feel awful as I seem to take it out on the kids, what with hardly seeing hubby due to work, panto visits, meetings, job searches etc. Snapped a few times at them which isn't their fault, don't seem to realise it until after I've snapped! Coming to the end of my period now though, so hoping to be back to happy mum - well, as happy as I get! I think the only time I snapped at hubby was through email, after some idiot called at 10.40pm, when I had finally managed to get the kids to bed at a decent hour of 8.30pm and thinking I had broken the routine, and woke them up! I was livid! I emailed and told him what I thought of the stupid man, why didn't he call hubby's mobile, and asked him to thank him for waking the kids! 2am it took to get them back off! 2AM!!!! Makes me mad still, LOL!

Hopefully seen the end of my piles, went to the hospital on Friday and after waiting for over an hour to be examined, I was given an injection to get rid of it, though have to go back in 3 months for a second one to totally do the job. Was not a pleasant experience, having a camera up there, quite unusual and a little traumatising towards the end... ah well, hopefully won't need that doing again!

Anyway, think that is all for now, little one is still up, watching a dvd...magic roundabout...would you believe it! She's got in the night garden and Disney, but wants to watch the scary one that is her big brothers before bed!! Strange child...! Going to get in with her, as I seem to be kicked out of mine by the boys! Typical!
Night all x

My little girl is growning up....

She's 2 today. At 1.37am two years ago she made her way into the world, through some very trying circumstances. I was still awake this morning, had just finished reading my book and looked at the clock, 1.37am. I snuggled up to her as she was in with us and had only just gone off herself, and was thankful to have her, though I didn't contemplate what I went through for her. I nearly lost her. and myself. And two years on I am still on meds ....

She is worn out now after opening pressies and cards, or rather her brother did most of it! After pigging out on chocolate, she gave in and fell asleep on the sofa watching In the night garden, dvd she got from her Auntie.

I have just made some butternut squash and cream cheese soup (yummmy!) and I think I am going to have to go make some tea soon. What to do with chicken breast....hmmm might go surf for some inspiration....

Not too bad!

The visit was quite good actually! For the first time since the 'fallout' I felt like I wanted to move back home! Staying with MIL was actually ok, and if it wasn't for the smoke I could stay anytime! By the end of the visit, I think I was getting accustomed to it and didn't smell it as much, until I got home and the car/clothes/we wreaked! Two days later and everything is smoke free!

My sisters new man seems very nice, they are quite suited. Think he will be good for her which is what she needs after her troubles. It was great to see my nephew and niece's again, they are growing up fast! My nephew is now 9 months and walking round furniture! Seemed a bit shell shocked when we all got together...5 rowdy kids running riot! My new niece - 5 months, just smiles and giggles so much! She was fine with being passed about, and just laughed at me (is that a good thing?!) and was so happy, much like my little one was, and her older sister is a case! She made me a lovely card, bless her. I think I left it though! How bad am I :(

Saw mum, couple of days only as she went away on the Friday. She seems a lot more settled, had a nice chat with her where she admits she doesn't know/think it is going to work with her and dad, but is giving it a try. We even talked about how she would do if it didn't, and she said she would stay in grandad's flat, which was left to my dad, and he would move out, as he couldn't like there on his own, too much for him. So I am not so worried about her. She has her gripes still but then I suppose there has to be something to complain about!

As for me, I am feeling a bit more 'level', no vicious mood swings lately, though have snapped at the kids a couple of times...still waiting to come on, so that could be that, or just being overtired and stressed?! Saw the doc again about little ones rash, he says it is a viral infection that has brought out eczema, given me a different cream for her body, one for her nappy rash, a cream to use as a soap, and we have to stop using bath foam/soaps etc and some antibiotics.... So two weeks on and the rash is practically gone now on her body, still a bit on her bum but not half as bad as it was. I attempted the antibiotics, but no matter how disguised - in a drink, in ice cream, just on a spoon, and in a syringe, it just would not go down! She spat it back out! So gave up on them, and as the rash is doing ok, I won't bother. I must make a followup appointment, should have seen him last week!

Think that is all my news, apart from the near disaster with the ball gown I got for a Gala last Friday! Ordered of Ebay, size 18-20, great! Got it, tried it on - very tight, used miracle underwear, still tight but got it zipped and felt ok. So come Friday, about 2 weeks later, I get all done up, put my hair in curlers, do my makeup, put on miracle underwear etc, and come to zip up my dress.... zzzzzppppppp..... it has come apart and there is a gaping hole! ARRRGGGGHHH!
Get it off, manage to get the zip back to the bottom and in sequence and try again with hubby's help ('Hate to tell you this but this dress is too small' - his contribution!) Managed to get it up, and I am able to sit down in it! So I go with it, and pray that it doesn't gape open again half way through dinner! I sat formulating a plan for if this happened, and I came up with pinning the shawl with the rosette that came with it to close the top and drape over the hole! Ingenious! Thankfully I didn't need to resort to such measures, but I had a horrible back ache throughout dinner, think I was too corseted! Also at MIL week before I put on 2 1/2 lb so that didn't help! Oh well, it is going to my sister for new years!

long time no blog....again!

Well, quick updates as I havn't been on for almost 3 weeks!

Chop worked so I am now off the pill (hurrah!) and my body is adjusting...had a mini period few days after and I am now grumpy, spotty and had a few headaches the last few days so expecting more soon :( Hopefully then that will be the start of my routine.

Still feeling a little off, though have had a few days when I felt 'human' again. maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel?

My little girl has had an allergic reaction to something, don't know what, and come out in a rash all over her body. I was up last Tuesday night until 6am trying to stop her scratching and settle her. Saw the doc who gave piriton, and they told me it would knock her out...fat chance! She is so full of energy! After waking the next night at 3am for a couple of hours scratching, I went to the chemist to see if they had any advice, not much except to find out what the reaction is to, and gave some E45 Itch relief cream to help alongside the piriton. So far, it has helped a little, well a lot to say we weren't getting much sleep and she now goes through from 10pm til 8-9am these last couple of days! I am taking her back to the docs this afternoon as the rash doesn't seem to be going and it looks awful on her lower body, all blistering. Poor thing. She had a bad nappy rash the week before this and ended up seeing the doc for that too as the usual nappy creams didn't do anything. He gave me some canisten cream for it, which helped at first but now she is red raw poor mite. Doc said that the reaction wouldn't have been to the Canisten as it would only affect the area I put it on. So back to the drawing board....

Off to visit family tomorrow, staying for 5 days with mother-in-law. Will report on how it when when we get home! Shouldn't be too bad, just feel like I am in a strangers house, rather than when I stayed at mums when I felt I could do anything if you get my meaning. She smokes too so come home reeking of smoke! Wonder why I wash whilst there as it doesn't get rid of the stench! Looking forward to seeing my sisters and brother and mum, and my sisters new live-in boyfriend! watch this space!

Right, off to sort out my mountain of washing and clean up and pack!

Another essay!

I really shouldn't leave it so long beteen posts!

The fridge freezer got fixed, it was water on the electrics, that we had to dry out by disconnecting the earth wire, plugging it in for 24 hours to dry it out, and reconnect the wire. YAY....nope. The fridge is freezing the food....arggggggghhhhh! So, after 3 emails to the guy, and contacting whirlpool to arrange an engineer after no response, we get a response! I do a bit of diy with his directions, and we find out it is the vent from the freezer that lets the cold air into the fridge, it has got condensation on the electrics and isn't closing...so he is sending the part and hubby is going to fit it in today, with instructions via telephone! Hay hum, here's hoping that's the end of our fridge freezer troubles! Which reminds me, I must cancel the engineer...

The problem of who to move into our flat has been sorted, my sister and brother-in-law want to move back! We have agreed to forgo the first months rent so they can re-carpet (or rather put laminate down) the front room, decorate and generally spruce it up and they move in next month in half term.

Mum is going off the rails slightly, a bit worried about her. But then, just feel too numb/unable to help. :(

It was our 7th wedding anniversary on Monday. Normally I am so excited, but I couldn't get excited. Don't know why, or do I? I don't know if I am getting more depressed, or what. I don't want to do anything again. I wish I could get a killer disease...that is my latest thought. Not good eh? Do I go back and see about another tablet increase? I don't know if I can be bothered.
I just want to sleep a lot.

I saw my sons teacher yesterday, after they sent him home with spellings...he doesn't even know his whole alphabet yet! She was really nice, said she is aware and monitoring the situation, that everyone got spellings, but they know how things lay at the moment. I mentioned the dyslexia again, and she seems to agree, though they are waiting to half term, and if there is no improvement, will look at where we go from here. Difficult when he is only 5 and a half. Hubby just puts it down to him being lazy. It really upsets me and him I think. I don't want him to be labeled that way, his teacher says he has a wonderful imagination, and his drawings are excellent...all indications of dyslexia. I just hope hubby accepts it if it is that, and if he is lazy, I can accept that too.

I think hubby lied to me at the weekend. I am 98% certain of it. It's not a major lie. But it is effecting me. I want to confront the situation, but I could still be wrong - 2%. And it would be an argument I don't know if I could handle right now. I wanted to raise it since, but there hasn't been a time to. Our Anniversary meal, at home with the kids who refused to sleep that night, as they do most nights really, was a shambles. I cooked a meal, lit candles, set the table, put a music channel on....Hubby gets home just after 8pm, kids come downstairs ' daddy daddy!' and bang goes any chance of talking. Go into the kitchen to cook the dinner and he changed the tv to a film...So after getting the kids into bed half way through our meal, he was engrossed in it whilst eating... I just gave in there and then. After pudding, I took little one to bed, as she had come back down stairs, and got into bed with her to get her off to sleep. Went downstairs and he was falling asleep, so we came to bed.

Well, think that is all. Weight loss is going very slowly, 1/2 lb a week, and I put on 1lb this week. Still, have lost 2 1/2 stone since November last year. I will stick to it....

Not much to report

All quiet on the western front....until I get started!

Mum came down for just over a week last week, which was nice. We sort of skirted the issues, a bit like the huge white elephant in the room no one wants to bring up. She was all lovey dovey on the phone, which made me a bit sick, but then thought, they have got 35+ years together so I suppose they can just sweep things under the carpet that easily.

They have decided to move out of our flat and into my grandads/now dads flat. So they have given me notice... don't know what we are going to do there yet. Hubby has a 2nd interview down south, so we might be moving further away! So just leaving it for now until we know which way we are going.

Bought a new fridge freezer of ebay, one of those 'without packaging, graded, in full working order but may have a scratch/dent here and there' companies. Great bargain, paid £33o + delivery for a £1100 American style fridge freezer! It arrived yesterday, on a pallet, so they couldn't get it through the gate. Hubby came home at lunch time and there was a builder next door doing some work he knows so he helped him maneuver it around the back of the house and in through the back door...after removing the fridge handles, fascia and the back door!!! It won't fit through the inner door into the room we were going to plumb it into, so it is in the back hall, on wheels as there is a small step in the way when you need to open the doors! Anyway, after getting it all sorted, find there are no instructions, so went on the Whirlpool web site, downloaded them and it said to leave it for 2hours before plugging in.

So, come 7pm, we plug it in....BANG! All lights/appliances/plugs fuse off. GREAT! Try a different plug to be sure...BANG. Hubby thinks it could be because they caught the wire under the fridge when lifting it off the pallet...so we cut the cable where he thinks it was, and re-wire a plug to it.... try again...BANG! Not that then! SO, check back with the ebay suppliers, and there policy is that we can return it (at our expense - and it cost £80 delivery!) and they will fix it, or call out an engineer and they will pay for any parts, but not engineer! Not looking good...

I have emailed the guy this morning, asking where we go from here, and see what they come back with. I said I would rather not send it back as it took such an effort to get the damn thing in, and would prefer to get it seen to here....so we are waiting to see the response!

Kids are back to school too ... YAY! He has been in trouble already though and had time out on Friday for pinching! Then there was a note saying they are getting spellings sent home next Friday...WHAT?! He is still struggling with his alphabet?! Think I am going to have to go see his teacher on Tuesday night and see where we go from here. I think he is dyslexic, though they don't test for it until 7 years, so only a year and a half to wait! He is getting a bit defiant too, and not listening to what we tell him, don't know if that is just him or linked to dyslexia? Anyway, he is meant to be tidying his room, it's been over an hour now... given him his last warning that if I have to tell him again to tidy it (he stops and starts) then there will be no going out for pizza tonight! Must go check on the process!

A month!

I can't believe it's been nearly a month since I last blogged! Well, I can, I have been too busy with the school holidays, and too tired to be bothered! The last 3 weeks have been pretty up and down, but mainly down. I don't know what has been wrong, just can't seem to shake off the cloud. I think things might be picking up again though... Maybe just took so long for the increased meds to kick in? On stupid cerazette pill too so don't get a regular period, if any, but still have the pmt at random times, and it takes me the week to figure out that is why I feel so crap!

Suffered with a migraine a couple of weeks back for nearly 4 days, so wasn't good, then broke out in spots the week after, then had a headache (stress head!) for 2/3 days after that! No wonder I feel crap! My boobs have been killing too this last week, and after asking my sister do they do that when you ovulate, are due on, or what!? she said are you pregnant?! Since hubby had the chop 2 months back, and I am still on the pill until we get the all clear on that front, I said no, no way! But then when I didn't get any period, and I usually get a little spotting if nothing else, I began to worry! So got a cheap hpt and did it the next day... -ive! PHEW! I know there is no way I could be, but then I still go out and get a hpt to make sure! Am I mad?!

Anyway, we have finally got a loan sorted, just waiting on the cheque clearing...then we can pay of a few debts and relax for a few more months! The kids are doing ok, doing our heads in some times, especially with the added pmt, but they are stars really! Been to the park the last two days, off again today, if the weather stays nice, then a walk to the station to pick up mum who is coming to stay for 10 days. On the mum front, she is back with my dad, or rather he has moved back into the flat, they are going to rent out my grandads. I just said alright when she told me, and she misheard and thought I said 'why?!' and so went a bit defensive, until I said I only said 'alright'. She knows my opinion, so I don't need to tell her again. She has to make her own decisions, just as I make mine. Just have to be there for her. My other siblings don't seem to be. I think they have had enough...and who can blame them. They live so close so get it all, then when she goes off for a while and sends an email saying 'glad you aren't here' to them, I would be a bit peeved too!

Have given up on the counselling. I know what I need to do, so there was no point to carrying on really. It was good to vent I suppose, and know that I was going in the right direction. Resigned myself to staying on meds for quite a while longer. It's been over a year, nearly a year and a half. Maybe I will be on them for the rest of my life? Anyway, they are working, so why give up on them...

Rainy days and Mondays...

Well, haven't blogged for a few weeks as I got a call saying my Grandad didn't have long to live, so rushed up to be with him. I'm glad I went when I did, as I got to see him with him knowing we went, and were there, as the next day we changed his medication which made him sleep more and be 'out of it' most of the time, as he was getting panicky with the hiccups and struggling to catch his breath. It was 'all part of the process of dying'. I sat and held his hand a few times when I was up, and felt so useless compared to my brother who was so wonderful and caring with him. I think he went up twice a day to be with him, and was with him at the end, along with my sister and mum. My dad was asleep, and I was 1o minutes too late.

A lot was said, a lot of hurt was felt, and there will always be a distance between my family now. My brother and sisters and I all held our own private 'ceremony' after the cremation on Friday, where it dutifully rained all day, up at the clock tower where my grandma wanted her ashes to be, but they never got there due to my father's wishes and his awful philandering. My brother and one sister only found this out at his death, and my brother was so distraught. He feels as though everything has been taken from him, as he really looked up to my grandad, like a father. We have agreed that we will meet up once a year on their wedding anniversary, and have a meal or just go for a drink, and remember them and their strong relationship, which is a wonderful example of true love. We also agreed that if out parents say anything about any of us, we will go to that person and check if it is true, as so many lies were told, it really was heart breaking.

My mum may be getting back together with my dad, who inherited my grandad's flat and money. She is undecided, but they are still friends, and spend a lot of time together....what a mess! She just needs to cut him out of her life and get on with hers. And he needs to crawl off into a dark pit.

My diet obviously took a nose dive, and after loosing 3lb the week before I left, in the two weeks I was away I gained 3.5lb! To be expected though, and I am back on track today! I am going to do this!

The house sale, that is not going to happen. For what we would get for it its not worth it. So we are hanging on to it ... for now. Still worried about money, but come to the conclusion so is everyone!

Well, that is all for now, must get on with tidying the mess of a house and washing the mountain of clothes!

Dear Diary..........

Whilst visiting my family, I have been helping my sister to get some photos together for my grandad, and put them onto a dvd so that he can sit and watch all his favourites of my grandma, and a few of us as kids and growing up, so that he doesn't have to get the boxes and boxes and bags of pictures out! Well, I suppose after 70+ years you accumulate quite a few! I think I counted 6 albums, 2 chest boxes, a shoe box and carrier with at least 10 envelopes full of photos. It was strange going through them, remembering a few, and not remembering so much. Then there were the 'old' photos, the sepia ones of long lost family, who we hadn't a clue were. My grandad was a handsome, if somewhat short man, and my grandma, well, I am pleased to say I think I have inherited some of her good looks! Pictures of us as babies, and then seeing me at my sons age, telling him that was me, it's all so .... I don't know the word, peaceful, surreal? It made me glad that I have been scrap booking, because if things go on, my kids will know who people are, and why and when pictures were taken, and get a clip pet on how people were, and they were as kids. I think that is important, and wish scrap booking had been around all those years ago. I am sure my grandma would have loved and indulged so much into it.

Also, we came across an old cigar box, another memory of the book sized box with cut glass mirrors on, and we sneaked a peek, you know, in case we had missed any photos! And we found postcards, letters, drawings we had done as children, and cards hand made for my grandparents by us. It was so sweet and lovely. It brought a tear to my eye. She was so thoughtful my grandma. I am going to start keeping little things my kids do for me, and get a box to keep them all in. And it also made me think how things have changed, I used to write to them and my friends when I was young, now we live in an age of the Internet, and I don't write anymore.

I am going to take note of this and buy a writing pad today, and sit and write a letter to my grandad, and try to do one every week, just so he feels close, as he had a tear in his eye as we left, and so did I. I hate using the phone, it feels so impersonal, but writing I love, as you can tell! I remember doing an assignment at school, one writing a piece as a journalist for a newspaper, and one as a letter to a friend, and I got an A+ for my friends letter! I have always remembered that, despite forgetting so much! And it also got me thinking, that this blog in effect is my diary.

what a fortnight

Well, I did plant the pansies, finish decorating the bedroom too! Just got he landing to do now!

Been to visit my family over the school holidays, though cut it short as there was too much atmosphere when my other half joined us. Saw my new niece, she reminds me so much of my daughter when she was born! And saw my not so little nephew, who is 4 months, in 9 months clothing!! Learnt more about my father, and dislike him even more now, if that is possible! I was civil to him, which I thought was very good of me, when I could have slapped him and told him to go to hell. Anyway, hopefully things will get sorted there. He has moved out....for now! Who knows how long it will last before my mum caves in and lets him back, and puts up with his lies and deceit. I just don't understand her sometimes. How can anyone put themselves through it time and time again? Once, forgive, twice, your out, my motto. I know it may be different if I was in her shoes, but I just can't see it. And I found out my sister has been back on heroin over the last couple of months....this upset me. She didn't tell me, it came from my mum, who was told by my dad, who was told by her when she confronted him with a lot of stuff whilst a little worse for wear! This is the sister who tried to commit suicide, by a supposed insulin od, but we are beginning to wonder if it was heroin now :( It's all such a mess.

Diet going ok, lost 1lb in the last two weeks, which is good to say I have eaten rubbish with being away, stressed, and on! Think it might catch up with me this week though! That elusive 2 stone marker is only 1/2 lb off, and it seems to be taking forever! I have had some nice compliments though recently of people noticing my weight loss, which is a boost!

Off to make lunch, and bake....I need to bake today!

Another week...another problem!

Well, I gave the Argos card some hammer...bought weed cover mat, stones - 5 bags for one small area! 5 plants to put through the mat: a Calla Lilly, daisy plant, two carnations, and some green leafy type plant, solar lights, and some pansies to go in the front garden. Then Two tins of paint, and I had to go back for more stones as I had only got 2 bags 1st visit, so decided to sand down some old draws and paint them black and put new handles on...so got that, brushes, rollers, masking tape...think that was all! And in two days I weeded the back patch, laid the mat, cut holes and planted, covered in stones, set out the lights, masked out one wall to paint, did two coats, sanded the draws, painted the draws and attached new handles! PHEW! worn out and come down with a cold which seems to have attacked the kids too! So still have to plant the pansies and a little paint work to do, just go round the edges, and do a small wall that I managed to get paint on! Then the bedroom is done...unless I attack the wardrobe with the black paint.....only problem is my eczema on my hands is so bad I just want to cut them off!

Other news, just when you think no more, surely nothing else can go wrong in this family, bang, your sister decides she doesn't want to live and tries to OD. Think it was just a cry for help, as she called an ambulance, and could have done a lot more damage with the insulin my mum has in the house. So I am in two minds as to weather to go visit... She has said not to, and I have said she can come stay here for a while if it is all to much for her back home, but she doesn't want to. I think she is just confused, and in need of help, which hopefully she will get. Plus she has got to stop getting so drunk! Gone from one addiction to the other poor girl.

Anyway, as it stands, I will stay put for now, plus we have so much going on this week, hubby has his colonoscopy tomorrow, put it off twice already, and I am waiting for a washing machine to be delivered, as mine has given up spinning....clothes are piling up and I am beginning to think a trip to the laundrette is in order pretty soon! And then I have volunteered to man a stall at the school fayre this Saturday....I've been assigned the coconut stall! (Ironic with my life!)

Well, that's this weeks news, oh except trying to organise a surprise 50th for hubby, talk about stress. Will let you know more when I do!

The Verdict

He doesn't like it! Too 'Purple'! I don't know. In certain light it does look all purple, but when it's evening, it is nice dark with a hint of plum! I think next time I might just try the very dark brown without any 'hint' of colour! Got to be a win win situation then! Though hubby probably won't like it, likes blond! But I just don't do blond!

Anyway, having a good couple of days, hubby has won some money (SHOCK!) and so we don't need a mini-loan to tide us over until we sort out the mortgage loan! For the 3rd time! Should get it right this time, right?...........

We are doing well, settled back into a normal routine, and I am trying to be more positive. I think everything that has happened these last few months clouded out our own problem, until today, when we got the answer we wanted and the stress and worry has now gone. Still going to go for counselling, just to make sure I am not hiding anything from myself, if you get what I mean. Anyway, we are strong.

Mum and Dad are going to relate....and she has apologised for dumping things on us kids. Though to be honest, I am glad I know, though I know I don't know everything, and probably never will, what I know is enough, and for me, right now, I don't want anything to do with him. May change with time but there we have it.

Well, off to bed, yet another late night.

One good day in ten....

That seems to be my lot.

Monday: What did I do Monday? Oh, arranged for tv repair man to come and look at the new plasma that has got a huge crack in the screen...duh, you can't repair that, it needs replacing! Company policy to send out a repair man 1st! Doh! I am sure it was damaged last Monday when they delivered it, meant to be a two man job to carry it, and one man was knocking on my door while the other got it out of the lorry and began to carry it! Hmmmmm.... Come Friday, went to check on the kids in bed, came back down to a blank screen and a humming noise...after calling samsung, they told me to contact kays, who would replace it as they have the guarantee. Called kays who can't do anything as it's the weekend!

Tuesday: Don't remember much apart from picking my son up from school early with a tummy bug, and going to the bank to try and sort out my finances...and feeling crap.

Wednesday: Can't remember, oh, yep, felt rubbish! Argued with the repair guy about the new tv being damaged, then with kays catalogue who said that it wasn't covered under the guarantee (5 days old!!!) and that they would bring it in for inspection....what was the repair guy for?! Until weigh in. But I only lost 0.5%, but did get my 10% wight loss keyring! Not as overjoyed as I was the week before when I thought I might have got it though.

Thursday: I seemed full of the joys of spring, felt good about myself for the first time in a long time, I had got my 10% weight loss, and was beginning to feel that I could do this! Got good comments on my weight loss, and took a pic on my phone to compare with my beginning pic, and could definitely tell I have lost weight on my chins!

Friday: can't even remember what happened Friday, just know I was no longer full of the joys of spring! Feeling rubbish again about money, why do we have to have money!?! Got cocked up again so waiting for new paperwork, checks, valuations etc etc.... ARGHHH! Oh, then got a text from my sister, saying mum and dad are at loggerheads again. She should just kick him out!!! Can you believe he had the nerve to say he loved her, but if she did kick him out he would go off with someone else, and she wouldn't get anyone else because she was too fat!!!! Makes me mad just typing it out, but my blood was boiling! If I ever see him again, I can't be held responsible for my actions!

Saturday: so far today, feeling a little better, got into my size 20 trousers and a skirt from next :) whoo whoo! 2 sizes down, 3 to go! LOL! Thinking of putting my nintendo ds lite and games onto ebay, and getting a nintendo wii for the wii fit! Think I will lose any weight? Hmmmmm fighting the urge to spurge! Going to take eldest to a party in half an hour and might go wander round the shops for a little retail therapy....well, I do need some new summer clothes, in a size 20!