Not pregnant....

After about a dozen tests I have finally let it go! Kept getting evaporation lines, so went out and bought one and it was a definite negative so I am now satisfied that I was A) Never pregnant in the 1st place, B) Had a chemical pregnancy that was never meant to be.

My father called last week to apologise to my husband...admitted he had made a mistake. Things inevitably got worse before getting better, Mum saying she believed my dad but didn't want it to effect our relationship (?!?!) and they were going to move home, I was seriously considering emigrating to New Zealand and even found my dream home! As it stands, that probably will never happen, they are staying put now, and we are waiting to hear if my hubby has a job back 'home'....should hear by the end of this week.....

I think I have, after all of this, accepted that if he doesn't get this one, then I should give up trying to get back home and just try and settle here....or New Zealand! ;)

On the weight front, I managed to lose 1/2 lb last week, (SHOCK, HORROR, AND DISBELIEF!) after eating all the wrong things and going about 50 points over! Think I will pay for it this week though.....will let you know.

I am living in a soap opera.....

These last 2 weeks have been one thing after another....
My grandma died a week Friday, peaceful at last. I went to be with my family, and coped very well, probably thanks to the old meds! I seemed quite hard even to myself at some points.
I have had a pregnancy scare last week, got a faint positive, but since then had a bleed and some spotting and 2 negative hpts. Still unsure as to what is going on there, so going to test, for the last time, on Thursday unless I have a proper bleed before then. I am on the pill so it is totally unexpected and quite a scare...
After the funeral, my father took my husband out for a drink, and then they came back for tea, after which my hubby said he needed to talk to me....Asked me if I trusted him and would believe him. He then informed me that my father had 'come out' to him and told him he knew his secret because he had 'had' him before he met me! Reeling, though not as much as I should (again, thanks meds) I slept on it, believed my hubby when he said it was definatly not him as he didn't go in for that sort of thing, and he must be mistaken. He has never, ever kept anything from me, I know all about his philandering ways before he met me, and the possible child out there of his, so I have no reason to believe he would lie.
One way or another, it has come out to my sister, then my mother and the rest of the immediate family. Shock, horror, disowning, etc etc is all going on...I spoke with my father on why he had brought my hubby into his web of deceit, he is convinced it was him, despite there being no lights on, and the fact that he said he was wearing the same glasses...(my hubby got them after I convinced him 80's style were soo not right for wedding pics!) Both myself and my mum have asked if he was so sure, why did he not say when we first met? He says he knew then. But he didn't want to break up his marriage.......
Not convinced. It has been going on for years, and stopped 6 years ago, according to him. Still don't know if I believe that....
So, do you think any soap opera would be interested? Or is reality too far fetched?!.......
Just hope I get a final -ive pregnancy test now........

Irrational Fear?

My sister is going to see her midwife for the first time today, and has asked me to go with her. She is about 11 and a half weeks, hasn't had any real problems, the odd feeling sick on an evening and boob tenderness, and she has never had any problems with conception, pregnancy or birth...yet I have this awful fear that something is wrong....

Maybe this is due to my troubles with the whole conception, pregnancy and birth. Who knows? Anyway, I am just waiting for the 1st scan as if it was me waiting to find out if my baby is ok, and hope that my fears are just my minds way of coping with how I feel about the whole pregnancy/birth trauma.

I had an interesting talk with my brother this week about what we remeber from childhood...and it seems I remember very little! I seem to have memories but only the ones from pictures I have seen and wonder if it is a memory or just the photo I remember, if you know what I mean! I do remeber some things and may blog them down so that I don't forget, and maybe that way it will show me I remeber more than I think!

For now, I have to get ready to go with my sister, so it will have to wait....