Still feeling crap

Up visiting family for the holidays. Managing to get out of bed and put on a face, most of the time. Had a big bust up in the family, got upset over it all, and wondered what is the point of trying anymore. Life is just crap. Mum isn't going to change. She blames my hubby for everything! Never mind that her hubby is the one who goes out looking for cock and calls her too fat to fancy! Nooo, my hubby should never have told me, he should have kept it to himself and told her only!!! WTF!

Feel like I am getting further and further away from them all, even to the point of thinking if anything ever went wrong with me and hubby I wouldn't want to move back here. Can' t be doing with all the hassle and this and that and who did/said what.

Mum is back with dad. Divorce off. Not moving back here though. I think she wants him to move away with her somewhere, but he won't as his work/friends/lifestyle is here. My sister is getting further away and in her own world. Still uncertain of weather she is after another man, my sister thinks she is only staying with her hubby because she couldn't cope with the kids on her own, and loves her youngest too much to leave them behind. My other sister is just coping and getting on with life, still trying to have a baby, but getting nowhere. I think they may start to think about adoption if she doesn't get any more help with ovulating etc.

We are heading back home tomorrow, had enough. Mum is staying with dad and coming back on the train. Tablets will hopefully kick in soon and I will get some motivation to get off my butt and clean the house, sort out the rubbish, and get on top of things. And as my youngest starts nursery next week, I'll have 2 1/2 hours to get things done! just hope I can make the most of it, and hope to get back to the gym. Haven't been this month :(

Right, off to switch the rubbish off tv and go to bed and try get some sleep....

A month!

I can't believe it's been nearly a month since I last blogged! Well, I can, I have been too busy with the school holidays, and too tired to be bothered! The last 3 weeks have been pretty up and down, but mainly down. I don't know what has been wrong, just can't seem to shake off the cloud. I think things might be picking up again though... Maybe just took so long for the increased meds to kick in? On stupid cerazette pill too so don't get a regular period, if any, but still have the pmt at random times, and it takes me the week to figure out that is why I feel so crap!

Suffered with a migraine a couple of weeks back for nearly 4 days, so wasn't good, then broke out in spots the week after, then had a headache (stress head!) for 2/3 days after that! No wonder I feel crap! My boobs have been killing too this last week, and after asking my sister do they do that when you ovulate, are due on, or what!? she said are you pregnant?! Since hubby had the chop 2 months back, and I am still on the pill until we get the all clear on that front, I said no, no way! But then when I didn't get any period, and I usually get a little spotting if nothing else, I began to worry! So got a cheap hpt and did it the next day... -ive! PHEW! I know there is no way I could be, but then I still go out and get a hpt to make sure! Am I mad?!

Anyway, we have finally got a loan sorted, just waiting on the cheque clearing...then we can pay of a few debts and relax for a few more months! The kids are doing ok, doing our heads in some times, especially with the added pmt, but they are stars really! Been to the park the last two days, off again today, if the weather stays nice, then a walk to the station to pick up mum who is coming to stay for 10 days. On the mum front, she is back with my dad, or rather he has moved back into the flat, they are going to rent out my grandads. I just said alright when she told me, and she misheard and thought I said 'why?!' and so went a bit defensive, until I said I only said 'alright'. She knows my opinion, so I don't need to tell her again. She has to make her own decisions, just as I make mine. Just have to be there for her. My other siblings don't seem to be. I think they have had enough...and who can blame them. They live so close so get it all, then when she goes off for a while and sends an email saying 'glad you aren't here' to them, I would be a bit peeved too!

Have given up on the counselling. I know what I need to do, so there was no point to carrying on really. It was good to vent I suppose, and know that I was going in the right direction. Resigned myself to staying on meds for quite a while longer. It's been over a year, nearly a year and a half. Maybe I will be on them for the rest of my life? Anyway, they are working, so why give up on them...

And now for somthing totally different.....

The school holidays began on Wednesday, only on my 3rd day....only 38 more to go! So far so good! Mind you, hubby is off for two weeks so the last two mornings he has got up and sorted them out with breakfast etc while I got a lie in! Am I fortunate or what?! Really must pull my weight though and start getting up early. Off to go get a pool later for the kids as last years has a hole in it and a rip down the side! They are down in the garden bouncing on a mini bouncy castle ring at the moment, though I think the red dye is coming off and going all over the kids! Oh well, it's all part of the fun!

I have increased my meds again, taking 2 10mg tablets until I get to see the doc sometime next week and make sure it is ok to up them again. 10mg just wasn't working. I was going downhill again and just wondered why I was trying to get off them when I clearly was a train wreak without them. Ok, so I am no saint on them, still have my moments, and they do take away a lot of stuff, go round in a bit of a haze sometimes, but that has got to be better than struggling to get out of bed and do anything at all and feeling what is the point of it all?

Seeing my councillor now, had 2 sessions, got another one next Wednesday. So far so good. feel a little stupid sometimes, as it seems that I know what I need to be doing to feel better in myself, just doing it that is a problem! And when she asks questions, I seem to go blank, my memory is sooo bad! I got a little upset last session, feeling a little worthless, which came across quite stupid as I was saying how I seemed void of all emotion! We have some great kids, and I just feel everyone says you are doing a great job, but I don't think I am, or could be, if that makes sense?

Anyway, speaking of doing a great job, I really should get them dressed and sort out some lunch!

Can't think of a decent title....that's how it is right now...

I put on weight last week....1/2 lb. I was expecting it though as I have kind of gone off the rails a bit this past couple of weeks! I am expecting to stay the same this week, hopefully not gained again! Full of good intentions then had a curry with the trimmings, thinking I was being good with the mixed grill, only to find out after I had eaten it that the whole thing added up to over a days points worth!! So set the week off to another spiraling downward mess! Picked myself up again these past two days though so hopefully there won't be too much damage!

Still feeling crappy. Think I am just waiting for the counselling now on Wednesday to see if that is why, and wondering if I am going to have to increase the old meds again...maybe 10mg just isn't enough for me and I need 20mg and that is the way it is going to be forever? Giving it another month, if I still feel this bad I will go review it with the doc again... :(

Totally lacking motivation too. Still not painted the landing walls, need to do a good tidy up and re-organise downstairs, I did the kitchen, just need to do the front room and the dumping ground, also known as the laundry room/back hall! With both mum's coming down in two weeks I had better get it sorted!!!

I am living in a soap opera.....

These last 2 weeks have been one thing after another....
My grandma died a week Friday, peaceful at last. I went to be with my family, and coped very well, probably thanks to the old meds! I seemed quite hard even to myself at some points.
I have had a pregnancy scare last week, got a faint positive, but since then had a bleed and some spotting and 2 negative hpts. Still unsure as to what is going on there, so going to test, for the last time, on Thursday unless I have a proper bleed before then. I am on the pill so it is totally unexpected and quite a scare...
After the funeral, my father took my husband out for a drink, and then they came back for tea, after which my hubby said he needed to talk to me....Asked me if I trusted him and would believe him. He then informed me that my father had 'come out' to him and told him he knew his secret because he had 'had' him before he met me! Reeling, though not as much as I should (again, thanks meds) I slept on it, believed my hubby when he said it was definatly not him as he didn't go in for that sort of thing, and he must be mistaken. He has never, ever kept anything from me, I know all about his philandering ways before he met me, and the possible child out there of his, so I have no reason to believe he would lie.
One way or another, it has come out to my sister, then my mother and the rest of the immediate family. Shock, horror, disowning, etc etc is all going on...I spoke with my father on why he had brought my hubby into his web of deceit, he is convinced it was him, despite there being no lights on, and the fact that he said he was wearing the same glasses...(my hubby got them after I convinced him 80's style were soo not right for wedding pics!) Both myself and my mum have asked if he was so sure, why did he not say when we first met? He says he knew then. But he didn't want to break up his marriage.......
Not convinced. It has been going on for years, and stopped 6 years ago, according to him. Still don't know if I believe that....
So, do you think any soap opera would be interested? Or is reality too far fetched?!.......
Just hope I get a final -ive pregnancy test now........

Meds are wonderful things.....

Or are they?

These have been my thoughts for the past few nights anyway. Without them, I would be a total mess, a crumpled heap of a woman in despair and totally desolate. With them.... I am numb.... but alive.

SO, what do I do? Stick with them for the rest of my natural? This seems to be the way it is going...but then I will be numb for the rest of my life? Is it better to go through it coping with traumas because, 'heck, it doesn't really matter, get on with it', or go through life with major ups and downs...ups being ok, great even, but the downs....really down, contemplating a way out, down......

And yet again, I am way too late at going to bed....midnight. That doesn't help. I am sleeping when I shouldn't be sleeping and awake when I should be asleep! Will I ever get it right?!

And, just to add to my joy, I am expecting to have put on again this week! Well, following the past 6 weeks of being up one, down the next, I am consistent on that scale!!!!!

Night all x

Meds and Memory

I have decided that I really need to see about coming off my anti-d's. I think I have got to the stage now where I am feeling a lot better in myself, more able to cope, and I feel that they are effecting my thoughts and decision making.

For example, when my little girl had her 'drop' I just held her and soother her while she cried, checked briefly for any bruises and bumps on her head, and carried on. Last time she was 'dropped', after the bump/bruise checks, I stood her up to check her legs and that she could hold her head up! That is what you are supposed to do after all. So why not do it this time? - Bad memory affected by my pills... And when my husband was writhing in pain the other night, all I could say was 'if you are going to be sick can you go to the bathroom' as I would be the one left to clean the mess! And as he moaned and groaned in bed, I just wanted him to shut up so I could sleep! How bad is that! I would normally be all over him, making him comfortable or taking him to A&E! Again, strike of the meds, dulling my senses and feelings.

So I am going to see the doc when I am due my next batch, in about 3 weeks, to see about de-creasing and coming off...I want to be me again, whatever 'me' is...