'Things can't get any worse'.........

Famous last words. After everything that has been thrown hurled at me this year, I thought I was through with it....oh no.....how wrong was I!



My grandad who lost his wife in March, has stomach cancer. He has been suffering for over a month because when he went into hospital, doubled in pain, they told him it was constipation, and wouldn't do a full scan, despite my mum pointing out that his brother had died from bowel cancer, and sister from stomach cancer. No, they send him on his way, with fybogel and a pat on the back, and tell him to see his doctor if it doesn't get better. Thankfully the doctor arranged the scan, as he knew something wasn't right, as we all suspected.



He is now in a hospice getting his medication sorted. Been given around 3 months. It's inoperable, they could do chemo, but that would just prolong the pain and he just wants rid of the pain. Mum says he is quite ok, says he has had a good life, got to see his grand children and great grandchildren, and that his wife is calling him.



Going home next week to see him. Another reason to wish we were nearer, though they are getting fewer and fewer. The house is also going on the market. Need to sort out our finances, and worry about us and no one else.

Feeling rough

Full of cold and aches....waiting for the lemsip max tablets to kick in and I just want to sleep! Didn't get up until 2.30, had a bit of lunch and decided to take a shower to try and see if it helped.... It did for a while, got the washing sorted and kids organised, then feel rough again. Just came on to check my mail and bits and pieces then I am off to lie down again.

Hubby had the snip yesterday, so he's all 'injured' and spent the rest of the day resting...waited on hand and foot, and seems to have survived ok! Had a shower this afternoon, cleaned it all up and he can't believe how small the hole is! LOL! He's gone off to work for a couple of hours, so we shall see how good he is feeling when he gets back!

Didn't get to go to my counselling last week, she called on the day to cancel it, as her car had been broken into and she had to wait for someone to come fix it. So re-scheduled it to Thursday...nearly said to cancel it, but didn't. Got to give it a go or I will always wonder...

Picked up in the mood stakes from around Thursday, though still had my moments. Obviously with coming down with this darn cold since Saturday it hasn't helped, but I am going to give things a few more weeks and see how it goes.

Managed to lose 1lb this week too, which was a bonus as I expected another gain! Just want to eat all the time recently, it seems like a constant battle to stop myself from shoveling food down my mouth all day! Put it down to stress, and it must have been the way I coped with it! Most days I am winning, but it is a struggle. Oh well, nearly into the 14 stone mark, and half a stone from my pre-pregnancy weight!

Can't think of a decent title....that's how it is right now...

I put on weight last week....1/2 lb. I was expecting it though as I have kind of gone off the rails a bit this past couple of weeks! I am expecting to stay the same this week, hopefully not gained again! Full of good intentions then had a curry with the trimmings, thinking I was being good with the mixed grill, only to find out after I had eaten it that the whole thing added up to over a days points worth!! So set the week off to another spiraling downward mess! Picked myself up again these past two days though so hopefully there won't be too much damage!

Still feeling crappy. Think I am just waiting for the counselling now on Wednesday to see if that is why, and wondering if I am going to have to increase the old meds again...maybe 10mg just isn't enough for me and I need 20mg and that is the way it is going to be forever? Giving it another month, if I still feel this bad I will go review it with the doc again... :(

Totally lacking motivation too. Still not painted the landing walls, need to do a good tidy up and re-organise downstairs, I did the kitchen, just need to do the front room and the dumping ground, also known as the laundry room/back hall! With both mum's coming down in two weeks I had better get it sorted!!!

Councilling

After waiting since January and my ordeal, I now have an appointment to see a councillor. I was in two minds as to weather to go now, as it has been so long and do I really need it, but then I would always wonder if I had just covered over it and not faced up to it. I may have got over it, or it may be that I am not really facing it, and therefore I havn't got anywhere near to getting over it...
Most people who know what happened (as much as they can know) have said it is a good idea and I should go, but I haven't told hubby, and when the letter came today, he asked what it was. I told him it was for an appointment, a meeting. 'What meeting?' so I said I was getting counselling, to which he asked why hadn't I discussed it with him? I said it was just to see if I was ok still, and getting on alright. He then asked why I hadn't told him and I said because you wouldn't agree with it and think I shouldn't go. He said that's right but you should still discuss it with me. If he knew the real reason, I know it would hit the fan, so to speak. He thinks we are over it, moved on. And maybe we are, but I need to know for sure, to know it isn't just the meds dulling my senses and that I am ok with the fact he did what he did...I can't even bring myself to expose it on here.
So much has happened since then, I don't know if I will remember it all....babies being born, grandma dying, burning myself, dad coming out, mum and dad separating, sister's od.....what a mess! Maybe after this counselling I should see about a councillor to deal with that lot!

Dear Diary..........

Whilst visiting my family, I have been helping my sister to get some photos together for my grandad, and put them onto a dvd so that he can sit and watch all his favourites of my grandma, and a few of us as kids and growing up, so that he doesn't have to get the boxes and boxes and bags of pictures out! Well, I suppose after 70+ years you accumulate quite a few! I think I counted 6 albums, 2 chest boxes, a shoe box and carrier with at least 10 envelopes full of photos. It was strange going through them, remembering a few, and not remembering so much. Then there were the 'old' photos, the sepia ones of long lost family, who we hadn't a clue were. My grandad was a handsome, if somewhat short man, and my grandma, well, I am pleased to say I think I have inherited some of her good looks! Pictures of us as babies, and then seeing me at my sons age, telling him that was me, it's all so .... I don't know the word, peaceful, surreal? It made me glad that I have been scrap booking, because if things go on, my kids will know who people are, and why and when pictures were taken, and get a clip pet on how people were, and they were as kids. I think that is important, and wish scrap booking had been around all those years ago. I am sure my grandma would have loved and indulged so much into it.

Also, we came across an old cigar box, another memory of the book sized box with cut glass mirrors on, and we sneaked a peek, you know, in case we had missed any photos! And we found postcards, letters, drawings we had done as children, and cards hand made for my grandparents by us. It was so sweet and lovely. It brought a tear to my eye. She was so thoughtful my grandma. I am going to start keeping little things my kids do for me, and get a box to keep them all in. And it also made me think how things have changed, I used to write to them and my friends when I was young, now we live in an age of the Internet, and I don't write anymore.

I am going to take note of this and buy a writing pad today, and sit and write a letter to my grandad, and try to do one every week, just so he feels close, as he had a tear in his eye as we left, and so did I. I hate using the phone, it feels so impersonal, but writing I love, as you can tell! I remember doing an assignment at school, one writing a piece as a journalist for a newspaper, and one as a letter to a friend, and I got an A+ for my friends letter! I have always remembered that, despite forgetting so much! And it also got me thinking, that this blog in effect is my diary.

what a fortnight

Well, I did plant the pansies, finish decorating the bedroom too! Just got he landing to do now!

Been to visit my family over the school holidays, though cut it short as there was too much atmosphere when my other half joined us. Saw my new niece, she reminds me so much of my daughter when she was born! And saw my not so little nephew, who is 4 months, in 9 months clothing!! Learnt more about my father, and dislike him even more now, if that is possible! I was civil to him, which I thought was very good of me, when I could have slapped him and told him to go to hell. Anyway, hopefully things will get sorted there. He has moved out....for now! Who knows how long it will last before my mum caves in and lets him back, and puts up with his lies and deceit. I just don't understand her sometimes. How can anyone put themselves through it time and time again? Once, forgive, twice, your out, my motto. I know it may be different if I was in her shoes, but I just can't see it. And I found out my sister has been back on heroin over the last couple of months....this upset me. She didn't tell me, it came from my mum, who was told by my dad, who was told by her when she confronted him with a lot of stuff whilst a little worse for wear! This is the sister who tried to commit suicide, by a supposed insulin od, but we are beginning to wonder if it was heroin now :( It's all such a mess.

Diet going ok, lost 1lb in the last two weeks, which is good to say I have eaten rubbish with being away, stressed, and on! Think it might catch up with me this week though! That elusive 2 stone marker is only 1/2 lb off, and it seems to be taking forever! I have had some nice compliments though recently of people noticing my weight loss, which is a boost!

Off to make lunch, and bake....I need to bake today!