Not pregnant....

After about a dozen tests I have finally let it go! Kept getting evaporation lines, so went out and bought one and it was a definite negative so I am now satisfied that I was A) Never pregnant in the 1st place, B) Had a chemical pregnancy that was never meant to be.

My father called last week to apologise to my husband...admitted he had made a mistake. Things inevitably got worse before getting better, Mum saying she believed my dad but didn't want it to effect our relationship (?!?!) and they were going to move home, I was seriously considering emigrating to New Zealand and even found my dream home! As it stands, that probably will never happen, they are staying put now, and we are waiting to hear if my hubby has a job back 'home'....should hear by the end of this week.....

I think I have, after all of this, accepted that if he doesn't get this one, then I should give up trying to get back home and just try and settle here....or New Zealand! ;)

On the weight front, I managed to lose 1/2 lb last week, (SHOCK, HORROR, AND DISBELIEF!) after eating all the wrong things and going about 50 points over! Think I will pay for it this week though.....will let you know.

I am living in a soap opera.....

These last 2 weeks have been one thing after another....
My grandma died a week Friday, peaceful at last. I went to be with my family, and coped very well, probably thanks to the old meds! I seemed quite hard even to myself at some points.
I have had a pregnancy scare last week, got a faint positive, but since then had a bleed and some spotting and 2 negative hpts. Still unsure as to what is going on there, so going to test, for the last time, on Thursday unless I have a proper bleed before then. I am on the pill so it is totally unexpected and quite a scare...
After the funeral, my father took my husband out for a drink, and then they came back for tea, after which my hubby said he needed to talk to me....Asked me if I trusted him and would believe him. He then informed me that my father had 'come out' to him and told him he knew his secret because he had 'had' him before he met me! Reeling, though not as much as I should (again, thanks meds) I slept on it, believed my hubby when he said it was definatly not him as he didn't go in for that sort of thing, and he must be mistaken. He has never, ever kept anything from me, I know all about his philandering ways before he met me, and the possible child out there of his, so I have no reason to believe he would lie.
One way or another, it has come out to my sister, then my mother and the rest of the immediate family. Shock, horror, disowning, etc etc is all going on...I spoke with my father on why he had brought my hubby into his web of deceit, he is convinced it was him, despite there being no lights on, and the fact that he said he was wearing the same glasses...(my hubby got them after I convinced him 80's style were soo not right for wedding pics!) Both myself and my mum have asked if he was so sure, why did he not say when we first met? He says he knew then. But he didn't want to break up his marriage.......
Not convinced. It has been going on for years, and stopped 6 years ago, according to him. Still don't know if I believe that....
So, do you think any soap opera would be interested? Or is reality too far fetched?!.......
Just hope I get a final -ive pregnancy test now........

Meds are wonderful things.....

Or are they?

These have been my thoughts for the past few nights anyway. Without them, I would be a total mess, a crumpled heap of a woman in despair and totally desolate. With them.... I am numb.... but alive.

SO, what do I do? Stick with them for the rest of my natural? This seems to be the way it is going...but then I will be numb for the rest of my life? Is it better to go through it coping with traumas because, 'heck, it doesn't really matter, get on with it', or go through life with major ups and downs...ups being ok, great even, but the downs....really down, contemplating a way out, down......

And yet again, I am way too late at going to bed....midnight. That doesn't help. I am sleeping when I shouldn't be sleeping and awake when I should be asleep! Will I ever get it right?!

And, just to add to my joy, I am expecting to have put on again this week! Well, following the past 6 weeks of being up one, down the next, I am consistent on that scale!!!!!

Night all x

Mini Celebration!

Well, my weigh-in went better than expected! I lost 3.5lb! YAY! I am now down into the 15's!

Apart from that the week went from bad to really bad :(

Rumours of an affair flew around and got me all in a bother pickle right mess! Sorted it now, know it isn't truth, it's a ploy at revenge, but it didn't help matters for a while ....

Short and sweet for now....got things to do....

Well it didn't work.....

I am still undecided! I did try, got myself going one direction, then something happened and I changed my mind to go another direction...then changed again...! So I am still stuck with no idea. Ok, I have some ideas, but they don't match, so it's a case of pick one or the other, and I am struggling with them........

Do I stay, or do I go?
Benefits of staying v's benefits of going....?
Why is it all so hard? Why did he do it? Why has it got so bad and out of control?
To many 'Why's'......

Grandma is still hanging on in there, bless her. My family is moving house, another dilemma! They rent ours at the mo, but that can't go on with the situation as it is... more hassle :(

Sometimes I wish I could just curl up in a ball and sleep my life away....

Not very good or decisive but there you have it!

Weigh-in tomorrow night, and after putting on 1/2 lb last week I am hoping to have lost this week, though it is doubtful after going out for tapas on Sunday! Pigging out to try and ease the indecision's isn't helping either!

Oh well, here's to more thinking and deliberating and procrastinating......

So much for not waiting too long....!

It's been over a week this time since my last blog! Blaming the school holidays, too many distractions!

My period arrived today, so my mood has should improve.... at least my other half hopes so! Apparently I am a nightmare to live with with my moods and temprement.... I don't think I am, I know I have off days but not so as to be a nightmare...or am I kidding myself?

Feeling a little let down, in general. Angry, at myself. Angry at him. Sad and emotional. Tired...always seem tired though! Still confused and waiting for direction. Another wait...all I seem to do is wait....maybe I need to get off my butt and take definitive action...starting tomorrow I will be more decisive...!

(I'll let you know how I get on!)

Life is like that....

Some times we have lots of time, sometimes we don't....seems like I don't right now.

My Grandma has been diagnosed with womb cancer now. It is just a matter of time....again. I wish she would just fall asleep and never wake up in pain again. My mum has had something confirmed as being wrong, (can't remember the name for it now!) and had a stomach lining infection. She is out and about again.

Had my routine smear test this week....not very plessant. I know it's not at the best of times, but somehow it seemed worse this time round. And now I have to wait 8 weeks for the results...another waiting game.

Life seems full of them!

I have done some crying today, was ill yesterday, and the day before that my 'wonderful desease' decided it hadn't paid a visit for a while so made itself known... Maybe that's why I feel so rough and depressed! Found out I had dropped my meds dose too soon, I should have stayed on the 20mg for another 2 months before dropping to 10mg! Thanks Doc! So back upto 20mg and waiting/praying for the kick-in....

Will try not to leave it so long between posts, getting it out helps....