And it's all change again!!!

Yep, you guessed it. Divorce is back on! Mum is staying put. Will it last?!

Went to the doc and got increase on my meds, now 40mg and waiting to see a councillor. Been 5 days now... still not getting up and for the last two nights not been getting to sleep before 3am! Haven't been to the gym for over a week now. Didn't make my Aqua fit class. Just couldn't face anything. Feeling a little better, then wonder if I really was that bad? Then can't get up or motivated again! So up and down like a roller coaster!

Well, short and brief, got to sort out a crying toddler!

Hit a rough patch

Last week, well probably for the past fortnight, I seem to have been going downhill steadily. Not wanting to go out, sleeping in as long as I can, though I have been doing that for a good month or so now...so maybe it's been longer than the last two weeks?
Still on my tablets, taking 20mg all the time now instead of going down to 10mg when it's not totm. And I don't know if it is really doing anything, or helping. Should really go see the doc again, but can't get motivated to do it. It would mean getting out of bed early...
I have been going to the gym now for a month, trying to go 3 times a week, hoping that would help lift my mood. I do get motivated to go, and have done an Aqua swim lesson, booked in again this week, so it means getting up and ready at 8am, and I can do it, so why don't I do it every morning?
Thought I was heading for a breakdown again last week, just crazy thoughts in my head, of 'I can't do this anymore' going over and over and over again, freezing and staring off thinking 'I can't move, I can't move' and really wondering if I should book myself into a phsyc ward! But then thought, no, if I am thinking that I must have some sanity! Seems to have eased off a bit, not getting those thoughts, but still wondering if they will come back worse? If that makes any sence? Not really with it.
Mum is getting ready to move back up North, off in Febuary as she can't give notice on her flat, and has to be there until the lease is up. She has given a load of her stuff to a couple who are getting married next year, going to sell a couple of bits on ebay, and the rest will got to the charity shop. I have (or will) gained a deep fat fryer, a microwave/oven and a small tv and dvd player for my sons room! Oh and a set top box. One sister is gutted because she has sold the washing machine and she wanted it! Which reminds me, I am also getting the dryer! So I haven't done too bad I suppose!
Ok, think that's my moan for this week. Off to go sort out some tea, or get a takeaway as everyone is out at Panto!

Ok, Guess the news.....

I bet you can! Though I am totally dumb! And mad!

We went up to see the new arrival, and mum asked if she could come up with us, 'not to see your dad, I want to see the kids/grand kids' - OK.
So, she stays downstairs, we are upstairs, we get there late Friday night and hubby goes out to see Alfie... on his own (kind of knew he would want to but still felt a bit put out. Though it is his daughter/grandchild and nothing really to do with me as that is the kind of relationship we have, not really a step mum relationship, just his dad's wife.) Next day, we all go, bar mum who is going out. Find out when I get back, yep, she has gone out to lunch with my dad....?!?!?!

Everyone knew that was why she came up, except it seems me who is so trusting and actually believed she didn't want to see him, after telling me only 5 days before she was going for a divorce again! Why do I always get suckered in? Had a good night out with the girls that night, got home reasonably early at 1.45am, but after getting my sister in after falling over 4 times then falling flat again in the flat, we eventually got to eat our pizza - by this time cold, and then after her partner went to bed in disgust (at the state she was in! She couldn't even remember going to my mum before we came upstairs and getting right in her face saying 'mum, do you really love dad? REALLY love him? do you?!' as we drag her off upstairs!) we were talking rubbish, my sister telling me she could see so much sadness in my eyes and why didn't I just let it all out? Eventually got away to bed at 4am! ARGH! So I didn't get much sleep! Saw Alfie again, took loads of pics, and then we set off back home.

Today, mum has told me she is moving back in with my dad.....I sit and shake my head as I type this....I think I really should just wash my hands of it all. Think about getting some training and emigrating! Best off away from it all? She is giving notice on her flat and will be off up in January. Said that part of what has held her back is the fact me and the kids will not be up there.... well thanks for that! Will I fall for it again if she ends up changing her mind? How much rope do you give your mum? How long do you keep being there to pick up the pieces?

Alfie really is a lovely baby. So good for her too. She seems to be doing very well too. I always wondered how on earth I would cope on my own, but if I had a baby like she has and no PND I would probably have been alright! I did at one point think this could have been our baby, looking back when she first said she was pregnant, and hubby wanted her to get an abortion and I said I would rather she had it and we brought it up than that, though that was never a plan as she wanted him. Next visit, 4 weeks!

Topsy turvy

That's my life right now. All over the place.

Full of cold, feel crap, came on and want to sleep for England. Mum is 'off' dad again, 'he isn't going to change' ~ er, we've been telling you that for ages! Lets see how long that lasts eh?!

On a positive note, I have joined a gym (free! YAY!) and I am going to get myself sorted out! Been twice so far, and then got a cold so haven't been for a couple of days! Waiting to get back though so that must be good right? I am hoping to go 3 times a week to start, and build up. Should help on many fronts, moods, weight, fitness....



I am now a step-grandma....though don't call myself that as I don't really feel like a step-mum! Hubby's daughter gave birth Sunday, after going into labour Saturday afternoon. All I got from hubby was poor thing's had a hard time of it, going all this time, she's worn out bla-de-bla and all I could think was, yes, and when I gave birth to our son I was in labour for the same length of time too you know! Is that jealousy? I didn't say anything, as it would have seemed petty, but I still felt it! Ah well, he's here now, safe and well. Still have to go see him, though I was 'told off' for announcing on facebook that hubby was now a grandad! (Hence why I don't feel remotely part of all of this! I mean, why would MY family want to know, right?!!!) Ha, so much for controlling my anger! haha! Put it down to pmt! Being full of cold we probably won't get up there until next week now. And I am partly can't wait to see him, and partly, will I just be in the way, not involved etc etc....


And then, to add to it, hubby's eldest who is living with us went into hospital on Monday with suspected Asthma and acute bronchitis! He's still in there now. I asked if they told him to stop smoking, and hubby just said what has that got to do with it?! I told him it probably caused it! But he said he's too young to have it from that, it's just an infection, despite the fact their mother smoked all her life and then he started at about 17! But then hubby thinks the big 'smoking kills' is all a load of tosh! He knows loads of people who smoke and are fine! (His mum being someone who is held together by nicotine!) Anyway, we shall see what happens when he gets out.

As for me, just wish this could would go now, so I could get things done, get on top of things, cleaning/ironing etc. And get on with life.

2nd RANT

Still mad, though calmed down a little...only a little mind you!

So, told hubby, who just laughed. He said it would be interesting to see if dad wanted to see the kids this weekend, I said there's no chance of that! I still am in shock, two weeks ago she wanted to die because of this man, and now that is all supposed to be forgiven and forgotten and lets get on with it again?! Was it all just to get him to come running back to her? (well, you have to wonder!) In her counselling sessions, what she did speak to me about anyway, when she was 'inside' they told her he was making it pretty obvious that he wanted either his cake and eat it, or out of it all together! And she agreed, and coming to terms with this fact was part of her rehabilitation...so what is she doing!?! Playing the system? Totally madly and crazily in love with the man? I know they have 'been together for 35 years' (it would have been their anniversary this Tuesday gone and she spent the day seeing councillors then at our house overnight!!!) but that still does not get away from the fact that he is a total low life cheating bastard who likes dick! ARghhhgggggghhhh!!!!!!!

ok, breath....

I just can't understand it. I really can't. Is it just me? I could never live with that....ever.
Then I think about what I have been through, but it is no comparison to them. I don't feel like a hypocrite for staying, my hubby has never cheated on me, let alone gone round with any tom dick or harry! We have our problems, and maybe that is why I would be straight out that door if he ever ever cheated, no matter what excuse. But I just can't see it from her point....

Phew, calmed down a touch now...

And this is going to ruin her wanting to get back on good ground with 2 of her kids, one who really has totally disowned her I think, and the other who only will speak to her if she calls, and doesn't want to know what is going on with her anymore... when they found out about the 'suicidal' incident, which they found out from my dad because mum rang and told him?! (WTF AGAIN!!!) they had no sympathy, and said it was all just a ploy, and maybe they're right....

Why do we have to have such mixed up parents?!

Soooo Mad!!!

ARGGGGHHHH!
She has done it again! Made me mad. How can one woman be soooo stupid! Ignorant? Devious? ARghhhh!
I have to come on here because she doesn't want anyone else to know, so I can't vent anywhere else, though could tell hubby, who would just say I told you so....and that would be it!
She is seeing my dad, he's coming down for the weekend. He (or she/he?!) has ended their 'friendship' and he wants no part of his 'former lifestyle'. WTF! (yep, that's right, she has even got me cursing!) So, she is 'still his wife' as she told me when she told me today, and has had lots of good advice from people (though no one knows?!? WTF AGAIN!) and is going to see how it goes, and he wants to change, and they, 'if we did eventually get back together for good' would move somewhere completely different, away from everyone/thing that reminds them of their/his history.
ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHH! Suicide watch is over. She was out in 2 days, but being seen daily and called, but they signed off on her last week, to see the gp and get a personal phsycologist, to go through CBT. So she is on longer a 'worry'. ...... HMMMMM!!!!
Going for tea, instalment two later.....

Longest time between posts....

So much has happened.

Stepson now home and in the old laundry room, he was quite happy to go in there and as he arrived whilst I was visiting family, they got on with sorting it out for him so that is where he lives! Don't see much of him, as he spends most of his time in there! Has been useful though for when we needed an immediate babysitter!

Family visit....well, wish I hadn't stayed so long, just short of two weeks and I was sooo glad to get back home! I felt in the way, torn between mum/rest of the family, as they are all against her but feel sorry for my dad? Apart from my brother who still can't stand him, but doesn't have time for her either! Bit sad really, as they seem to blame her, came out with a lot of stuff etc that made me think about her differently and wish they hadn't, though she is still my mum, drives me potty, but I still love her to bits.

Speaking of mum, she is currently in the Mental Health Unit at the local hospital. Got a call to take her to the docs yesterday, which I felt put out by at the time, as it was tea time, and was just getting shopping in, but having a live-in baby sitter, I went and took her. She didn't say why she was going, but when she went in the nurse asked why she was down...so guessed what was going on... She was referred to psychologist at the A & E dept, so spent over an hour waiting to be seen, then got moved to the MHU and then I went to get her some night clothes, medications and bits, with the assumption that she would be home possibly today. They are keeping her in another night, but looks like she will be out tomorrow, and referred to GP to see the health team, why they can't sort all this out in there I don't know! She said today when I took more clothes up that the Psychologist had told her basically to buck up, there were worse people than her out there and she had to go home and face it....! Hmmmmm strange psychology to me to someone who wants to kill themselves! Anyway, not letting anyone else know, as they would be of the same opinion as my hubby that it is all for attention. But then, if it is, why not give the attention?! Just don't get it myself! As he says, if you are going to kill yourself just get on with it and don't faff....that's his psychology!

I think it is all hitting her. She was up looking after dad who got swine flu about a month back now, and when he was better he was off out, living his life, leaving her in, until she came home. They had talked about her moving back, but he admitted he didn't really want that, and that his relationship with the he/she meant more to him than her. He spends most of his time with and talking about her, even to mum, that she has finally taken the hint, and it has hurt her to think he spends the time with he/she that he never spent with her. She decided to go for divorce again, but is waiting for him to commit adultery again (!) which he basically admitted wouldn't take long.... Plus, she rang my brother to arrange to see her grandson, she says he never got back to her, he says she never bothered, top and bottom of it is she feels she will never see him. so that added to it all, and she thinks one sister won't talk to her, which in a way is kind of true, she will talk to her, but only if needed, and only basic stuff. My sister says she is 'cutting the bad' out of her life, including mum and dad, though she spends more time with him.... So this is where we are....limbo land. My aunt knows what is going on, as she was the one who told my mum to go to the doc as she was really worried about her.

Me, well, I am just coasting along really. Full of cold at the minute, which doesn't help with trying to get stuff done, have a mountain of washing from being away, and then all this, house is a bomb site, and I don't seem to get anything done! Still on the meds, probably why I am coasting through it all! Step daughter is due to drop in 3 weeks too, so will be off up North again soon! Still sleeping in most days, but with cold, that is my excuse! I have got up when we have been away, so I know I can do it, though I yawn all day! Oh, and another 'It could only happen to me' moments happened last week!

I went for my urology test, to check my bladder function. After getting there 10 mins late (not my fault, got stuck at the level crossing for 7 mins, then drove round the hospital car park for nearly 10 mins!) she said they would see me as they allowed 10 mins, and I had 'just' made it! Cheek! So go in, saying she has to rush etc and fills out the forms and goes to log it on the computer, when there is a power cut! Comes on again in a minute though so she re-boots, it hasn't saved so she starts again, bang, another one! She looked at me and said it is going to be one of those days! Anyway a student doc then arrives and asked if he could observe, I had no problem with it, with having 2 babies and umpteen examinations, nothing fazes me now (oh, and another one, whilst on holiday in Denmark, we went swimming----they don't allow showering in a costume! So they are all there, letting it all hang out, and I thought well, if they can do it, then why shouldn't I? ... haha! How brave...or naive? am I!) So, I digress, I pee in the chair that checks how much I do and how my flow goes (!) then they come back in and insert 2 catheters...one in vagina and one in urethra (?) then fill my bladder with saline. Very strange sensation! As it fills they sit me up and see if I leek...nope. So stand up, then I cough, and leek, then as she is filling my bladder I have to say when I get the 1st urge to pee, then when I would pee if at home, then when I would be rushing to find a toilet when out shopping,. and finally when I was bursting and had to go NOW! All the time she has me coughing between them. So, I get to the 3rd one and start to feel sick, I say 'can I sit down I feel sick, and she lowered me onto the potty, only for me to pass out! Next thing I am being dragged out of strange dream to sounds of 'you're ok, come on, are you there?' and there are about 6 people all around. They get me on the bed, put on a fan, and I start to realise what has happened and come round! She says she has never made anyone pass out before and she isn't going to live it down all day! They checked my blood sugar levels, as the only time I had felt the same was when I was pregnant and had a hypo, but it was fine, so they put it down to rushing around! I told the student doc, if anything was going to go wrong it would do with me! Thankfully, she said I didn't have to go through the test again, she had all the info she needed! PHEW!!! So, my bladder is fine, my bowel is slightly prolapsed through (?) which could be a small reason for the stress incontinence. So now I wait to see the consultant again and where we go from here, though I would not want surgery after my last time in theatre!

So, that's all ...wow, two months....what more can happen this year....?!