feel like I am going insane.... :o0

AAAAARRRRRRHHHHHGGGGGG!
If doing that out loud all day would help, right now I would do it. but it won't, it would just get me carted off to an asylum! I seriously wonder if I am slowly going insane...

My mum is now not going to get divorced...arggghhh! They are going to give it time to see what happens, he says he wants no one else, is selling the flat and giving her half, and will eventually move down here as she is settled here. Urgh!!!

Hubby got drunk last night at a friends, called me at midnight to ask me to go pick him up, so after getting ready and standing deciding how I was going to get 2 kids into the car whilst one was asleep, I get another call 5 mins later, saying ignore the last message, I will be home in 10 mins... So go back to bed...10 mins later, no sign, so call....ring ring ring...no answer.... this goes on for an hour, and I figure he must be walking home....or is in a ditch somewhere. I am soo tired that I fall asleep on and off, and then decide if he doesn't answer when I call at 2.40am I am going to call the police....Where is he....outside, asleep, in his car!!!!! ARGH!!!! Seen the car this morning, as I got nothing out of him last night, except to say I had to take the kids to school, and he has scraped the back corner bumper, and there is sand on the front bumper and grill.... I drove his route to see if I could figure out what has happened, but can't see any sand... think he is stirring...so should find out now....

I think I am going to have a breakdown soon! My head just can't cope, I can't get motivated, I feel so tired all the time....I just feel crap...

Quick update before tea...

Feeling a bit numb/blue/exhausted at the mo. Seem to want to just sleep, do nothing, dream.

Mum is hopefully going to divorce. He is such a selfish bastard. Told my sister he doesn't love her, hasn't for a long time, but is with her to get her income support benefit! He has been on a 'date' last weekend, told her all about it, they had a kiss and cuddle but nothing more...she is lesbian!!! HAHA! How twisted is life!

My sister is getting more and more down, going to see the doc about help. About time, I say, though she missed an appointment just over a week ago. Silly girl! Hope she goes and gets her head sorted! She said it is no wonder we are so messed up as kids with the parents we have, a mother who put her husband first even before us, so that they would have something when we all flew the nest, only to be left the way she is, with half her kids resenting her...pretty sad really.

My other sister is moving into the top flat with her partner...hurrah! We will have some money coming in at last! She is doing well, losing weight, sorting out her diabetes so they can have a baby...just wish she would wait until she was totally sorted and in the 'right place' before they tried and failed and end up miserable every month...

Well, off to make my tea...though I just want to curl up and go to sleep! My diet is going down the pan, put on half a stone this past month...just the way I am at the mo...need to get back on track...but can't seem to....

Unmentionables

The unmentionable disease has kicked in again, feel crap, and depressed. Wondering if it is all worth it again :(

Lied in bed most of the day, except to get up and make everybody lunch, surfed the web a bit, watched tv a bit, and slept. Got to thinking about all the 'unmentionable' things I don't put down here, and wondering why not?

Why can't I say it, herpes...there. I did. I have only ever been with one man, and still got an sti, how crap is that?!
My dad prefers to mess about with men, another unmentionable, or did I already say that? And how he said he had got my hubby off in a park loo before we met? How sick is that! No wonder I don't want anything to do with him!
I was raped. Another unmentionable. Just over a year ago now. Seems time doesn't always heal as I have been thinking more about it these last few months, though cutting it off before really going into it too deep.

There, my unmentionables are now out in the open....

Not much happening...

Still got the stupid tickle in my throat and wake up sounding like a different person! Getting a little better these last few days so hope it could be the end...

The watch, I finally got to ask mum, and it wasn't my grandads! phew! She is settling in very well, has everything in now, the bed came over a week early, and the fridge freezer got mucked up for a week so was late! Feels quite like home now. Jack is going to stay over on Friday night!

Went to a wedding at the weekend, and managed to look half decent! For the first time I can remember my hubby said I looked lovely! Kids were so well behaved too, compared to the 7 bridesmaids and 3 Paige boys who ran amok during the ceremony! Made us realise how well they behave!

Jack was 6 on Sunday, and we went to Southend beach fair ground with 4 of his friends. Again, realised how well behaved ours are and made me glad to only have 2!

Not much else happening, still strapped for cash, nothing new, and still no tenants in top flat. Looking at getting cheap furniture in and letting it as a holiday let. Will work out well for us for when we want to go up to visit, just need to get some cash together to do it up, decorate and furnish it!

Well, not much else going on, so not much to report!

Ill - again!

Yes, got the lurgy....or a throat infection/flu that left me in bed for days unable to hardly swallow and sipping water even felt like razor blades cutting my throat. On anti-biotics now, which has helped me with the swallowing/ aches and shakes etc but still have a sore throat and stupid tickle that nearly makes me sick when I cough! Ah well, at least I am not dying!

Mum seems to be settling in well, just waiting on fridge freezer, which should arrive today, and her bed, which doesn't come until 2nd March...so she is kipping on the couch! Has stayed here, and is coming down tonight to stay while we jet off to sunny Scarborough to visit family, sort out the flat, etc, then it will be just over a week until her bed comes! She had problems with the heating, but it is sorted now!

One minute hubby has job at the council, next he doesn't....getting sick of it now! Been told, had emails etc but nothing on paper....so still waiting!!! On the other job front, he is having a meeting today with the big boss man to get some things sorted out, see how the land lies financially, as things seem to be worse than he thought.... :o( So going from being great, no worries in a few months financially, to woe, what have we done?! Ah well, still have roof over our heads....

I did get a cheque for the ppi insurance I had on an Egg loan that was missold! Yay! Thought of all the glorious things I could spend it on....then the bills came in! Just waiting for it to clear... from £750 to £600 already as the bank I paid it into have dropped my overdraft!

I did something I wish I hadn't....like I always do! Looked at something I shouldn't have...
I have always, from as far back as I can remember, loved going in my mums jewellery box. I never ever took anything, but loved trying it all on, and just seeing what was in it....well, when I was up unpacking her stuff before she got here, I came across it...so had to look!
When my grandad died last year, all my brother wanted of his was his 'best' watch, the one saved for special occasions, rolled gold. He couldn't find it. I suspected my dad had taken it first out of spite...or it had been pinched by someone and he hadn't noticed. Well, I have found a mans watch.... and don't know if it is my Grandads. I really should ask my mum, confront her if it is, but then should I have been going threw her jewellery? argggg! Don't want to ask my brother what the watch was like, as don't need any more trouble there. I am thinking it is one of 3 possibilities...1. My dad put it there and mum doesn't know. 2. My mum does know because she put it there. 3. It isn't even my grandads, but dads/her dads watch. Going to try build up the courage to say something today, and if it is Grandads, take it up for my brother!!!

Still stuck in a rut with the weight loss....thought I would have done well this week with being ill and not eating for nearly 2 days... but no, I have gained! Of to start swimming again when I get back I think! Well, that is about it for now.... Got to go get dressed, been waiting for my avon order to arrive since 7.30am and still no sign... hope he hasn't had an accident!

Nearly a month!

Where does the time go?!

Lots happened! Mum has finally come to her senses and is moving out...and down south to be near us! She has got a flat, is on the train as I type, and has some bits already in the (unfurnished) flat that were couriered down on Sunday, has ordered a bed, fridge freezer, washer and tv to be delivered this week, though the bed won't be here until March, so she will be staying at ours. We got a sofa and table from the local Cancer Hospice shop, and I think she wants to go get a wardrobe too...
Picked up a cheap kettle and toaster and kitchen bin/drainer etc from good old Argos, going to get an iron today... Dad been a w&*%er and was not going to get the money for her deposit and first months rent, but eventually got it out on his credit card, instead of going to see about a loan! But she has to pay him back!!! She has been given some money off my Auntie to buy the sofa/kettle/toaster and bits, and then is going to just see how she goes on. She will get her rent paid, being on disability living allowance, and most of the council tax, so just has to pay electric, water and food ... plus tv licence and phone, and sky if she gets it! I will become her carer, which my sister was up home, so will get £200 a month to care for her. So thinking of giving up the Avon, as it isn't taking off...credit crunch and all that!

My sister, silly, silly, silly child, has made a huge mistake. Fallen for the flattery of a married man, and nearly ruined her marriage, not to mention his. :( His wife has gone lived, as anyone would, nothing has happened, just lots of talk, deep emotions etc which I think can be worse than just casual sex/one off. It has all come out, he told his wife he was leaving her for my sister, though he had told my sister he wouldn't mention her name! MEN! She told her hubby, who loves her to the ends of the earth and has forgiven her, and just wants her reassurance that she loves him back...which I don't think she even knows if she does... :( very sad state of affairs. Married man has turned his back on my sister and is making a go of it with his wife, blaming my sister for doing all the running, flattering etc (he is older) and his wife has been 'harassing' my sister and her hubby. Having not been in that situation myself, I can't comment on how I would react, though I would probably slap the other woman and chop of hubby's bits!! So I have every sympathy for her. Apparently, he told my sister a lot of nasty stuff about his wife, so she feels she has done nothing as bad as she has, and 'how dare she call me a slapper', but as I said to her, two wrongs don't make a right! And it takes two!

It is coming up to the Anniversary of my Grandparents, and when they both died last year, Grandma in March, Grandad in June, we made a pact, us 4 kids, to meet up around the time of their anniversary, just us, to remember them by, as the best, and only example in our lives after the revelations from my parents, of true love. Seems a bit weird after all that has gone on recently! Trying to get things arranged, I am going up there in the hols for us to get together, still trying to get hold of my brother to see if he is free, and then we will just go out for a meal and remember the good times! And hopefully get my sister's head out of the clouds and back down to earth and her family!!

Kids have had one bug after another, with a short respite in between! Currently, they are full of cold, but coping well! I've had a migraine all weekend, should have carried on taking my magnesium when af arrived! I have learnt for next month! Hubby is doing ok at work, and trying to get the contract finalised for the council work. Think he is going to do both jobs, as he says he can spend one day a week on the council work, and the rest on sorting out the paper, which could go one way or the other!

Still not sorted the flat, we are staying in it when we go up next week, so will see what state it is in, though we have had a letting agent go round and he says a lot needs doing before renting it out.... more money we haven't got! Any way, still taking it a month at a time, which I suppose is one up from a week at a time! We have had to sell the little Mazda MX5 as it blew its engine! Sold it on ebay for spares/repair as it was going to cost £800 to do the work, and we had already spent £250 to find that out! Made it back with selling it, and £100 more, so have money to do the shopping this fortnight!

Well, think that is me up to date! Off to sort out my washing, oh, and lunch! Then shop, and pick mum up from the station! Exciting stuff!!!

Time flys

So much has gone on in the past few weeks that I haven't had time/energy to blog!

From what I can remember...

Finally managed to get little miss into going to bed at a reasonable hour - 9-10pm! Don't know how we did it, perseverance probably!

We are losing our tenants in the top flat...which is a relief! There has been one problem after another with them, the final straw came when my BIL went to take the paint off the bath (they had painted it and said they would take it off if we wanted, as it was beginning to peel) They were not happy with what is underneath. Granted, it needs re-enamelling as the bottom is like sitting on very very fine sandpaper, which is not a bad thing, and won't kill you, and we can't afford to get this done, barley keeping it together as it is! I said they could either live with it as it is not a health risk, or get it re painted at their own cost. Also appreciated they might want to find somewhere else to live. This is after we have aloud them to put goal posts in the front garden so their son can rip up the lawn playing football, erect a portable shed to store their mobile scooters in, cleared out furniture we had there, as 'they needed the space'. They are also running an Internet business, and storing their broken cars on the front drive and road! Heard nothing.... then got this, ' we have been to the local private council tenants association and they want to come and look at the bath, and also the huge crack in the ceiling in the front room. what do you want to do?' ....... WHAT?!?!?! I was livid. Sent BIL up to check on the 'huge crack' that has been there for over 30 years from where there was some subsidence, and it was pasted up. It is exactly the same.... he had words, asking what they were playing at, and if we wanted we could chuck them out for running a business from the property....and they have found somewhere else.
Hurrah! Just got to decide what to do with it now! Hubby not want to sell it, and in this climate it wouldn't be worth the mortgage! Thought about holiday letting, but it means forking out for furniture etc and paying rates etc...too much hassle? So may go down the letting route again, but pass it on to a company to deal with all the rubbish!

Hubby quit his job and has started his new one today, still as editor, and there is the possibility of a council job coming up in the near future, which would be financially better for us, but would it do his head in? I did think about moving back home and into the flat, but it is really too far a commute, and wouldn't do our marriage any favours.

We have all had the flu last week, still suffering abit now, going to go take some pain killers, think it might be a migraine, again! Seem to have had at least one a week this last 3 weeks...af did arrive though so thought it might stop them for a while...might just be with the flu...

Well, must go get my son from school...still struggling...but he has a review in feb so will see what they say then, and if they want to look into the dyslexia, though doubt hubby will ever accept it. He thinks the school is lax...I don't think it is compared to his cousins who didn't get homework over the hols and he got 20 pages! Granted, only has to be in this week, but still!