It's a small world....

Well, my sister is doing fine, just waiting for her scan now...wish it would hurry up to put our minds at rest.

As for me, I couldn't help myself and had to ask if she (midwife) had heard about the case in December of the GA Awareness....she was in the operating room handing out the instruments!!! She asked how I was and what had happened, what I remembered until etc. I explained that the hospital had apologised...'what have they said went wrong and apologised for?'....I don't know. 'Just that it had happened and that unfortunately it does.' Her eyes rolled, and a little tut escaped. I said there had supposedly been meetings to discuss the case and how to prevent it in the future....'funny I never got invited'. this time I rolled my eyes. So it goes I suppose. She asked how I was doing, said I was taking medication and getting through it, a lot better than I was before. As we left she gave me a comforting pat on the shoulder and smiled.

I have started going over what happened again when I have a shower in the morning...I suppose it is better than when I am trying to sleep. Then I tell myself I can't change what happened so why re-live it? I just end up having a bad day with re-occurring thoughts, and it isn't worth it and I won't let it get me down again...not that I am 100% yet, but being 60% is better than 1% or less...

So, today I am going for some retail therapy, thanks to my payout. Forget the housework, shops, here I come!

Irrational Fear?

My sister is going to see her midwife for the first time today, and has asked me to go with her. She is about 11 and a half weeks, hasn't had any real problems, the odd feeling sick on an evening and boob tenderness, and she has never had any problems with conception, pregnancy or birth...yet I have this awful fear that something is wrong....

Maybe this is due to my troubles with the whole conception, pregnancy and birth. Who knows? Anyway, I am just waiting for the 1st scan as if it was me waiting to find out if my baby is ok, and hope that my fears are just my minds way of coping with how I feel about the whole pregnancy/birth trauma.

I had an interesting talk with my brother this week about what we remeber from childhood...and it seems I remember very little! I seem to have memories but only the ones from pictures I have seen and wonder if it is a memory or just the photo I remember, if you know what I mean! I do remeber some things and may blog them down so that I don't forget, and maybe that way it will show me I remeber more than I think!

For now, I have to get ready to go with my sister, so it will have to wait....

'Blog'storm....

Yesterday I had a 'blog'storm moment...bit like a brainstorm but where you think I must blog that... Anyway, can I remember what the heck it was...no I can't! Why is that?

So here I am with an empty page, and mind, trying desperately to remember what it was, but to no avail...maybe it will come back to me in the middle of the day....

Sitting here staring at a blank-ish screen isn't helping, neither is the kids noise or the birds screeching helping (I so want to let that bird out!) so I am going to resign myself to the fact that my brain is no longer functioning on all cylinders and go and rescue the baby from my son's idea of fun!

Yesterday I attacked my mum's cupboards with a vengeance! You could never get everything in, and there were tins of soup and other bits and pieces on the kitchen tops and in bags all over the place. This isn't helped by the fact the kitchen is so small you couldn't swing a cat in there...(not that I have tried this...ever...though I did know a boy who did, not in my mums kitchen!) So after cleaning all the pots, I got set to on the food cupboards....I am not lying when I say I have filled 2 bin bags, and not the small ones, the huge dustbin liner type ones, with out of date tins, packets, jars and spices. After doing two double cupboards, I then decided to leave the 3 she has of plates, pans, unknown items and pots until another day!

Next job was to clean the oven...I don't think it has been done since she bought it about 5 years ago! Out comes Mr Muscle, and after getting instructions off my dad (I DO know how to clean an oven, shame you don't!) I set too covering it in foam....left for 2 hours while I went food shopping...well I could fit things in the cupboards now which seem practically bare! After realising it was a tougher job than Mr Muscle could handle, we gave it a 2nd coat of Cif...after scraping what burnt bits I could from the bottom of the oven. Leaving it 2 hours again while we went to visit friends, who wern't in, I came home to try again....hadn't even scratched the surface! So back to Mr Muscle for one last go, this time leaving it until after tea and a couple of glasses of wine with friends of mum and dad...(I really wish I hadn't heard some things best not heard by children from their parents!) I attacked it for one last time....Suffice to say, it will do! At least now when we put the oven on we are not choked with fumes!!

Don't have much to say....until I start....

After posting one of my secrets I am petrified that my other half is going to find out and divorce me...either that or lock me up for being insane!

Then I worry that this is a problem, as surly I should be able to share these things with him? But I find I cannot...scared that he will think he married a crazy woman and ask for a divorce, and I am even more scared that I wouldn't be bothered...

Why am I soo messed up?

On another note, we had our son's first Parent/Teacher evening last night. He is where they expect him to be for his age, but has a problem following orders, say they ask him to do a..b..c, he will go c, a, where am I? His dad has told him he has to listen to his teacher and do as she says...'are you listening?' Poor boy, my heart went out to him watching him squirm on his chair...But when he was praised for the good things he is doing, he got a 'well done, see you can do things right.' I am a little worried that being too harsh on him will only turn him into some kind of messed up child who thinks he can never do good enough for his parents, and that his best is never enough... maybe I am being oversensitive? In the school holidays I am going to try and sit him down for a short time each day and work on his letters and writing...

Don't have much to say....until I start....

After posting one of my secrets, I have become petrified that my other half is going to find out I am writing a blog and ask for a divorce....either that or lock me up for being insane!

And then I wonder if this is a problem, because surly I should be sharing these things? But yet I find I can't. I am scared of the consequences if I did...scared he will leave, and even more scared that it won't bother me if he did....

Why am I sooo messed up?

We had our first meeting with my son's teacher yesterday, the termly teacher/parent one where you find out how your little darling is/isn't doing. He is where they expect him to be for his age, but has a problem following orders, and they have to give him them bit by bit....should I start to worry now? Also he needs work on learning his 'phonics'.....ABC's to you and me. Other half told him he has to start listerning to the teacher, and do as he is told...to see him squirm made my heart go out to him. She did praise him, and he got a well done for that, but it seemed like he was being got at :( And all I could do is say he has a slight problem with hearing, (which is true, and he is having a re-test after winter, but they said it wouldn't be a problem at school...) to which his dad said he didn't think that was it it is just that he goes into his own world a lot of the time...don't we all?!!!

This is one of my Post Secrets.....

After visiting the site yesterday, I decided I should take the plung, and as I set this up to put down the things I find I cannot say, I should really do just that.

It kept me awake for a while, and it is something I am not sure of, and don't know if I will ever be sure, maybe this is how life is, and the love we have for our children is all different?Or maybe I am just a freak! Who knows? But it is out for now.... to me anyway.

And for todays lesson....

Never accept anything 'free' as there are always consequences!

On our weekly food shopping trip, we stopped for lunch at the supermarket cafe. On the offer of free baby food with any paying adult, I thought why not, it's free, even though I had brought something with us...never mind that it is the 1st stage pureed to a pulp food and she is 10 months and can chew, it won't do any harm.........

Then on to the toilets, to do the necessary and change the darlings bum...where again there were free baby wipes and nappies provided...again, despite having my own, I thought why not?..... Not a problem so far....

Get home and put the baby in her play den, with toys, so I know she can't get up to mischief or pick any bits of the floor and eat them...and go to unpack the shopping and check my emails....at which point my son shouts 'quick mum, the baby's eating something!' thinking there is nothing in there for her to eat, and finishing off what I was doing, despite my son's shouts, I make my way downstairs to be hit with the smell of poo half way down. My 1st thought was our cat had gone somewhere, until I remembered he wasn't in the house, and as I went through the door, there she was, diorrea smeared everywhere within reach when you are trapped in a cage, including all over her...and I think she ate some.

Thanks to the pureed food which must have gone right through her, and the cheap nappy that doesn't absorb or contain such delights, it had erupted out of the back of her nappy for her to 'play' with...suffice to say I will never accept free food or nappies again! Lesson learnt.

'I love you'....

'I love you mummy' - this is the phrase my son has taken to saying, oh, 3 or 4 times a day...
Should I be rejoicing at having a wonderfully giving, loving child? Or worrying that there is something wrong that every day he has to tell me he loves me?
What a world we live in when the simplest joys become reasons to worry!

On another note, the other half did recognise a difference to the front room, 'oh you have had a big change around...how did you manage it?'....because obviously I am a woman and I can't possibly move the odd display cabinet, music chest, and table around! And now, all my wonderful effort has become a messy room again. I swear, the biggest mess is always created when he is at home! 3 days I kept it tidy...within hours it was a bomb site!

Oh well, going to go clean it up I suppose....or should I leave it for him to do....!?

And before the day is over....

Well, I did rearrange my front room...and I have aches and pains to show for it! It was good to get it all done though, mind to say I started at 10.30am, broke off for lunch and school run, feeding the kids and getting them to bed, yes bed, I didn't get finished until gone 8pm! That was some spring clean! Hope my other half appreciates it when he gets back from his trip!

And speaking of other half's, when they say something that really gets you, but you know if you say anything they will just act as if you are mad for saying anything, should you bother in the first place?

This is my quandary....As you may have seen from my profile (if you have looked) I have been through a few traumas in my life. The latest one, we went for compensation. Now, before anyone goes mad at me, it was the 2nd time I had been placed in a life threatening situation by the same hospital, the first time we let it go, being of the mind you don't take from the nhs, but the 2nd time, well, lets just say being aware of intubation and staring at the surgeon as they prepare to cut you open kind of makes you go a little crazy... anyway, they have come back with an apology, a promise that it has been brought up at this meeting and that meeting and procedure will be changed, and a figure, which we have accepted. What got to me was the comment 'nice £££ for a little discomfort' . LITTLE DISCOMFORT?!!!!! But I said nothing...would you have? Is this a sign that,
a) I know him too well to bother with a response
b) We are 'comfortable' in our relationship
c) we are heading for divorce
d) I have given up the fight and don't care who says what to me anymore?
Anyway, it's too late to change it now.

Well, I really should head off to bed, and I do feel better for getting that off my chest.

Thanks and goodnight x

Blogging in my brain....

So, after switching the computer off last night and going to bed, I begin to blog again in my brain...1.06am...why did I switch the computer off?!!
I contemplate getting out of bed and switching it back on to get it all down, then worry that my other half will walk in in the middle of my blog and cart me off the the funny farm...'proof she is a mad woman!' would be the cries.
Not wanting to chance it, I find some paper and jot down my thoughts.....

Why is it I have a mad urge to clean my house? Seriously, I am rearranging the furniture downstairs, putting the mountain that is my sons toys stashed behind the sofa away in neat boxes, never to be played with again - ok, for months - and do a mental floor plan - one sofa hear, other there, could I get away with moving the display cabinet (which I hate but is inherited), table there, playpen there, kids toys here....on it goes. My mind is all up for it, shame my body wasn't as willing! Though I think the thing that really clinched it was it is probably not a great idea to start vacuuming the house at 1am in the morning, not good for neighbourly relations! Otherwise, I think my brain might have won the battle!

This was all started (the conversation with myself...) with the idea of talking to strangers, them asking me a question and me staring back as if they had asked me to slap them round the face with a wet fish...where does all this come from???!!

So I fight with my brain telling it to switch off, put down the pen and attempt to sleep....
The last time I looked at the clock it was 3am...then woken by my son at 4.15am, again at 5.30 am, and up for a pee at 6.35, wondering if something awful has happened to my other half due to his absence....

In he strolls through the door at 6.45am, by which time my son is wide awake and ready to play....getting no response from us trying to grab a few seconds more much needed sleep, he decides to turn the light on in the baby's room and wake her up...sigh. No good, have to get up now....

So began my day. And, when I have finished this, I am off to do my floor plan! It's gotta be done!
;)

The morning after the night before....

So, after switching off the computer and climbing into bed to sleep...my brain fills with 101 things to blog - typical!

By 2.30am I tell the voice in my head that has all the great ideas and witty remarks that never seem to come out when I am in public, that I really MUST go to sleep now...oh, but don't forget our conversation so that I can blog about it tomorrow...And what happens? I forget half...ok all of it! Why is that?

So, after having at least 6 great witty, insightful comments...I can't think of one! But, fear not, I will try for all of you out there (ok, for anyone, anyone? out there who has stumbled on a mad woman's ramblings)

Why is it (or is it just me?) that you have great conversations with yourself in your brain? But when it comes to getting things out in public, you turn into a bumbling, nothing to say, uninspiring person?

And why can't I sleep at night? I tossed and turned most of the night, half of it dreaming about my blog and what I would write (only to forget it!) and half of it wondering if it was time to get up, as then I would probably fall asleep!

Ah well, I suppose the lesson is, when the inspiration comes...BLOG! Just a shame my inspirational moments are when I am supposed to be sleeping! This will not help me get my life in order...

So, unless I have a bolt of inspiration tonight, I will post tomorrow hopefully with something more worthy!

My first blog entry

So. This is it. The place for my thoughts, feelings, things that can't be said anywhere but in obscurity and anonymity, and it feels great!

Only trouble is it has taken me 3 hours to set this thing up and I should really be in bed! Other half will not be pleased!

So, short and sweet, my 1st entry...promise they will not all be like this!

Good night world.....x