Just cleaned my bathroom, top to bottom...at 11.30pm...is that crazy or normal?
After weeks of little one being up until 3am, we decided to get her up at 8am today, let her nap for 2 hours (and I did too!) at 11.30 then she was bathed and in bed for 8pm! YAY, cracked it..... NOPE! Up at 11pm...still wide awake despite my efforts to keep her in bed, ''it's dark outside, it's night time, lets go to sleep'', so back to square one. :( Will have to try again tomorrow until she gets the concept of sleeping from 8 - 8 again!
Full of cold again, though not too bad, just cold not aches and pains that I had last time. Kids too, though they seem to sail through illness. Probably because they don't have to get up and get on with things!
Do you think it would make too much noise to put the washing on? Am I really insane? Only not vacuuming the place because of the noise! ah well, at least it is getting done....
Saturday 20 December 2008
Saturday 13 December 2008
Not much happening...
Usual stuff, like we seem to have a cold, get rid of it, only to get it back a week or two later! Little one's sleep pattern is all out of kilt, and she is now up until 1-2am, so driving us all nuts, though I do get to lie in until about 10am with her when hubby does the school run! So can't grumble!
Had terrible pmt, really bad. Feel awful as I seem to take it out on the kids, what with hardly seeing hubby due to work, panto visits, meetings, job searches etc. Snapped a few times at them which isn't their fault, don't seem to realise it until after I've snapped! Coming to the end of my period now though, so hoping to be back to happy mum - well, as happy as I get! I think the only time I snapped at hubby was through email, after some idiot called at 10.40pm, when I had finally managed to get the kids to bed at a decent hour of 8.30pm and thinking I had broken the routine, and woke them up! I was livid! I emailed and told him what I thought of the stupid man, why didn't he call hubby's mobile, and asked him to thank him for waking the kids! 2am it took to get them back off! 2AM!!!! Makes me mad still, LOL!
Hopefully seen the end of my piles, went to the hospital on Friday and after waiting for over an hour to be examined, I was given an injection to get rid of it, though have to go back in 3 months for a second one to totally do the job. Was not a pleasant experience, having a camera up there, quite unusual and a little traumatising towards the end... ah well, hopefully won't need that doing again!
Anyway, think that is all for now, little one is still up, watching a dvd...magic roundabout...would you believe it! She's got in the night garden and Disney, but wants to watch the scary one that is her big brothers before bed!! Strange child...! Going to get in with her, as I seem to be kicked out of mine by the boys! Typical!
Night all x
Had terrible pmt, really bad. Feel awful as I seem to take it out on the kids, what with hardly seeing hubby due to work, panto visits, meetings, job searches etc. Snapped a few times at them which isn't their fault, don't seem to realise it until after I've snapped! Coming to the end of my period now though, so hoping to be back to happy mum - well, as happy as I get! I think the only time I snapped at hubby was through email, after some idiot called at 10.40pm, when I had finally managed to get the kids to bed at a decent hour of 8.30pm and thinking I had broken the routine, and woke them up! I was livid! I emailed and told him what I thought of the stupid man, why didn't he call hubby's mobile, and asked him to thank him for waking the kids! 2am it took to get them back off! 2AM!!!! Makes me mad still, LOL!
Hopefully seen the end of my piles, went to the hospital on Friday and after waiting for over an hour to be examined, I was given an injection to get rid of it, though have to go back in 3 months for a second one to totally do the job. Was not a pleasant experience, having a camera up there, quite unusual and a little traumatising towards the end... ah well, hopefully won't need that doing again!
Anyway, think that is all for now, little one is still up, watching a dvd...magic roundabout...would you believe it! She's got in the night garden and Disney, but wants to watch the scary one that is her big brothers before bed!! Strange child...! Going to get in with her, as I seem to be kicked out of mine by the boys! Typical!
Night all x
Sunday 7 December 2008
My little girl is growning up....
She's 2 today. At 1.37am two years ago she made her way into the world, through some very trying circumstances. I was still awake this morning, had just finished reading my book and looked at the clock, 1.37am. I snuggled up to her as she was in with us and had only just gone off herself, and was thankful to have her, though I didn't contemplate what I went through for her. I nearly lost her. and myself. And two years on I am still on meds ....
She is worn out now after opening pressies and cards, or rather her brother did most of it! After pigging out on chocolate, she gave in and fell asleep on the sofa watching In the night garden, dvd she got from her Auntie.
I have just made some butternut squash and cream cheese soup (yummmy!) and I think I am going to have to go make some tea soon. What to do with chicken breast....hmmm might go surf for some inspiration....
She is worn out now after opening pressies and cards, or rather her brother did most of it! After pigging out on chocolate, she gave in and fell asleep on the sofa watching In the night garden, dvd she got from her Auntie.
I have just made some butternut squash and cream cheese soup (yummmy!) and I think I am going to have to go make some tea soon. What to do with chicken breast....hmmm might go surf for some inspiration....
Sunday 23 November 2008
What to do...
I can't decided if I sould keep this blog private, a secret from my hubby, or if I should let him know that I have a blog...where I post all my inner thoughts....
What to do?
Any ideas?
Advice?
Would it help or hinder?
Ruin or save?
Please advise....anyone....
What to do?
Any ideas?
Advice?
Would it help or hinder?
Ruin or save?
Please advise....anyone....
Friday 21 November 2008
Still plodding on....
That's how it feels most days. Kids full of cold, passed it around, so we all feeling under the weather and pretty rubbish.
I have started doing Avon....Avon Calling! Trying to get a bit extra in, to pay off some bills! Sat working out our income/outgoings last month, and we don't have enough income for what are necessities never mind anything else! Here's hoping hubby gets that job offer soon with bigger pay! Even contemplating a paper round!
Couldn't sleep last night, blogging in my brain again! eventually got to sleep just after 4am, woken at 7am, and had about half an hour before little one woke... Don't feel too bad...yet (yawn!)
Everything is still 'foggy' in my brain. Can't seem to focus on doing things, or rather thinking things. In typing this, I have looked out the window and veered off into random musings...and seem to do that a lot! I have given up on getting of the pills. Decided it is better to be like this than contemplating suicide every other week, bursting into tears most days, and generally feeling worthless! At least when I do have the odd moment like this on the pills, my mind soon wanders off in another direction!!
Don't have anything funny/witty/informative to report, pretty much my life! Only news I have is our neighbour and landlord died this week. Funeral is on Monday. He battled with Cancer for 11 months. I don't know what will happen as far as we as tenants go.... so a bit up in the air with that. I was looking at taking on the little village shop and post office just up the road from where we are, but we would have to sell our home up north, and then with the economic climate, we would probably not get a mortgage big enough for it... It's a shame, it's a lovely village, nice pub over the road, 4 bedrooms above...well decorated...fallen in love with it! Oh well. Maybe if hubby wins a small fortune!
I have started doing Avon....Avon Calling! Trying to get a bit extra in, to pay off some bills! Sat working out our income/outgoings last month, and we don't have enough income for what are necessities never mind anything else! Here's hoping hubby gets that job offer soon with bigger pay! Even contemplating a paper round!
Couldn't sleep last night, blogging in my brain again! eventually got to sleep just after 4am, woken at 7am, and had about half an hour before little one woke... Don't feel too bad...yet (yawn!)
Everything is still 'foggy' in my brain. Can't seem to focus on doing things, or rather thinking things. In typing this, I have looked out the window and veered off into random musings...and seem to do that a lot! I have given up on getting of the pills. Decided it is better to be like this than contemplating suicide every other week, bursting into tears most days, and generally feeling worthless! At least when I do have the odd moment like this on the pills, my mind soon wanders off in another direction!!
Don't have anything funny/witty/informative to report, pretty much my life! Only news I have is our neighbour and landlord died this week. Funeral is on Monday. He battled with Cancer for 11 months. I don't know what will happen as far as we as tenants go.... so a bit up in the air with that. I was looking at taking on the little village shop and post office just up the road from where we are, but we would have to sell our home up north, and then with the economic climate, we would probably not get a mortgage big enough for it... It's a shame, it's a lovely village, nice pub over the road, 4 bedrooms above...well decorated...fallen in love with it! Oh well. Maybe if hubby wins a small fortune!
Monday 10 November 2008
Not too bad!
The visit was quite good actually! For the first time since the 'fallout' I felt like I wanted to move back home! Staying with MIL was actually ok, and if it wasn't for the smoke I could stay anytime! By the end of the visit, I think I was getting accustomed to it and didn't smell it as much, until I got home and the car/clothes/we wreaked! Two days later and everything is smoke free!
My sisters new man seems very nice, they are quite suited. Think he will be good for her which is what she needs after her troubles. It was great to see my nephew and niece's again, they are growing up fast! My nephew is now 9 months and walking round furniture! Seemed a bit shell shocked when we all got together...5 rowdy kids running riot! My new niece - 5 months, just smiles and giggles so much! She was fine with being passed about, and just laughed at me (is that a good thing?!) and was so happy, much like my little one was, and her older sister is a case! She made me a lovely card, bless her. I think I left it though! How bad am I :(
Saw mum, couple of days only as she went away on the Friday. She seems a lot more settled, had a nice chat with her where she admits she doesn't know/think it is going to work with her and dad, but is giving it a try. We even talked about how she would do if it didn't, and she said she would stay in grandad's flat, which was left to my dad, and he would move out, as he couldn't like there on his own, too much for him. So I am not so worried about her. She has her gripes still but then I suppose there has to be something to complain about!
As for me, I am feeling a bit more 'level', no vicious mood swings lately, though have snapped at the kids a couple of times...still waiting to come on, so that could be that, or just being overtired and stressed?! Saw the doc again about little ones rash, he says it is a viral infection that has brought out eczema, given me a different cream for her body, one for her nappy rash, a cream to use as a soap, and we have to stop using bath foam/soaps etc and some antibiotics.... So two weeks on and the rash is practically gone now on her body, still a bit on her bum but not half as bad as it was. I attempted the antibiotics, but no matter how disguised - in a drink, in ice cream, just on a spoon, and in a syringe, it just would not go down! She spat it back out! So gave up on them, and as the rash is doing ok, I won't bother. I must make a followup appointment, should have seen him last week!
Think that is all my news, apart from the near disaster with the ball gown I got for a Gala last Friday! Ordered of Ebay, size 18-20, great! Got it, tried it on - very tight, used miracle underwear, still tight but got it zipped and felt ok. So come Friday, about 2 weeks later, I get all done up, put my hair in curlers, do my makeup, put on miracle underwear etc, and come to zip up my dress.... zzzzzppppppp..... it has come apart and there is a gaping hole! ARRRGGGGHHH!
Get it off, manage to get the zip back to the bottom and in sequence and try again with hubby's help ('Hate to tell you this but this dress is too small' - his contribution!) Managed to get it up, and I am able to sit down in it! So I go with it, and pray that it doesn't gape open again half way through dinner! I sat formulating a plan for if this happened, and I came up with pinning the shawl with the rosette that came with it to close the top and drape over the hole! Ingenious! Thankfully I didn't need to resort to such measures, but I had a horrible back ache throughout dinner, think I was too corseted! Also at MIL week before I put on 2 1/2 lb so that didn't help! Oh well, it is going to my sister for new years!
My sisters new man seems very nice, they are quite suited. Think he will be good for her which is what she needs after her troubles. It was great to see my nephew and niece's again, they are growing up fast! My nephew is now 9 months and walking round furniture! Seemed a bit shell shocked when we all got together...5 rowdy kids running riot! My new niece - 5 months, just smiles and giggles so much! She was fine with being passed about, and just laughed at me (is that a good thing?!) and was so happy, much like my little one was, and her older sister is a case! She made me a lovely card, bless her. I think I left it though! How bad am I :(
Saw mum, couple of days only as she went away on the Friday. She seems a lot more settled, had a nice chat with her where she admits she doesn't know/think it is going to work with her and dad, but is giving it a try. We even talked about how she would do if it didn't, and she said she would stay in grandad's flat, which was left to my dad, and he would move out, as he couldn't like there on his own, too much for him. So I am not so worried about her. She has her gripes still but then I suppose there has to be something to complain about!
As for me, I am feeling a bit more 'level', no vicious mood swings lately, though have snapped at the kids a couple of times...still waiting to come on, so that could be that, or just being overtired and stressed?! Saw the doc again about little ones rash, he says it is a viral infection that has brought out eczema, given me a different cream for her body, one for her nappy rash, a cream to use as a soap, and we have to stop using bath foam/soaps etc and some antibiotics.... So two weeks on and the rash is practically gone now on her body, still a bit on her bum but not half as bad as it was. I attempted the antibiotics, but no matter how disguised - in a drink, in ice cream, just on a spoon, and in a syringe, it just would not go down! She spat it back out! So gave up on them, and as the rash is doing ok, I won't bother. I must make a followup appointment, should have seen him last week!
Think that is all my news, apart from the near disaster with the ball gown I got for a Gala last Friday! Ordered of Ebay, size 18-20, great! Got it, tried it on - very tight, used miracle underwear, still tight but got it zipped and felt ok. So come Friday, about 2 weeks later, I get all done up, put my hair in curlers, do my makeup, put on miracle underwear etc, and come to zip up my dress.... zzzzzppppppp..... it has come apart and there is a gaping hole! ARRRGGGGHHH!
Get it off, manage to get the zip back to the bottom and in sequence and try again with hubby's help ('Hate to tell you this but this dress is too small' - his contribution!) Managed to get it up, and I am able to sit down in it! So I go with it, and pray that it doesn't gape open again half way through dinner! I sat formulating a plan for if this happened, and I came up with pinning the shawl with the rosette that came with it to close the top and drape over the hole! Ingenious! Thankfully I didn't need to resort to such measures, but I had a horrible back ache throughout dinner, think I was too corseted! Also at MIL week before I put on 2 1/2 lb so that didn't help! Oh well, it is going to my sister for new years!
Monday 27 October 2008
long time no blog....again!
Well, quick updates as I havn't been on for almost 3 weeks!
Chop worked so I am now off the pill (hurrah!) and my body is adjusting...had a mini period few days after and I am now grumpy, spotty and had a few headaches the last few days so expecting more soon :( Hopefully then that will be the start of my routine.
Still feeling a little off, though have had a few days when I felt 'human' again. maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel?
My little girl has had an allergic reaction to something, don't know what, and come out in a rash all over her body. I was up last Tuesday night until 6am trying to stop her scratching and settle her. Saw the doc who gave piriton, and they told me it would knock her out...fat chance! She is so full of energy! After waking the next night at 3am for a couple of hours scratching, I went to the chemist to see if they had any advice, not much except to find out what the reaction is to, and gave some E45 Itch relief cream to help alongside the piriton. So far, it has helped a little, well a lot to say we weren't getting much sleep and she now goes through from 10pm til 8-9am these last couple of days! I am taking her back to the docs this afternoon as the rash doesn't seem to be going and it looks awful on her lower body, all blistering. Poor thing. She had a bad nappy rash the week before this and ended up seeing the doc for that too as the usual nappy creams didn't do anything. He gave me some canisten cream for it, which helped at first but now she is red raw poor mite. Doc said that the reaction wouldn't have been to the Canisten as it would only affect the area I put it on. So back to the drawing board....
Off to visit family tomorrow, staying for 5 days with mother-in-law. Will report on how it when when we get home! Shouldn't be too bad, just feel like I am in a strangers house, rather than when I stayed at mums when I felt I could do anything if you get my meaning. She smokes too so come home reeking of smoke! Wonder why I wash whilst there as it doesn't get rid of the stench! Looking forward to seeing my sisters and brother and mum, and my sisters new live-in boyfriend! watch this space!
Right, off to sort out my mountain of washing and clean up and pack!
Chop worked so I am now off the pill (hurrah!) and my body is adjusting...had a mini period few days after and I am now grumpy, spotty and had a few headaches the last few days so expecting more soon :( Hopefully then that will be the start of my routine.
Still feeling a little off, though have had a few days when I felt 'human' again. maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel?
My little girl has had an allergic reaction to something, don't know what, and come out in a rash all over her body. I was up last Tuesday night until 6am trying to stop her scratching and settle her. Saw the doc who gave piriton, and they told me it would knock her out...fat chance! She is so full of energy! After waking the next night at 3am for a couple of hours scratching, I went to the chemist to see if they had any advice, not much except to find out what the reaction is to, and gave some E45 Itch relief cream to help alongside the piriton. So far, it has helped a little, well a lot to say we weren't getting much sleep and she now goes through from 10pm til 8-9am these last couple of days! I am taking her back to the docs this afternoon as the rash doesn't seem to be going and it looks awful on her lower body, all blistering. Poor thing. She had a bad nappy rash the week before this and ended up seeing the doc for that too as the usual nappy creams didn't do anything. He gave me some canisten cream for it, which helped at first but now she is red raw poor mite. Doc said that the reaction wouldn't have been to the Canisten as it would only affect the area I put it on. So back to the drawing board....
Off to visit family tomorrow, staying for 5 days with mother-in-law. Will report on how it when when we get home! Shouldn't be too bad, just feel like I am in a strangers house, rather than when I stayed at mums when I felt I could do anything if you get my meaning. She smokes too so come home reeking of smoke! Wonder why I wash whilst there as it doesn't get rid of the stench! Looking forward to seeing my sisters and brother and mum, and my sisters new live-in boyfriend! watch this space!
Right, off to sort out my mountain of washing and clean up and pack!
Monday 6 October 2008
Still not feeling 'me'
Don't know what it is...
Just wonder if this is how I will feel forever now. Grumpy, tired, fed up, hormonal, one minute emotional, next there is nothing there.
Hubby did his 'specimen' today to see if the chop worked...here's hoping then I can get off the pill and get back to routine and maybe that will help stabilise the hormones!
Well, not much else to report, pretty boring week. Done some scrapbooking, catching up on last years holiday! Still got loads to do, it's just getting the time to do it, and feeling the inspiration when I have the time instead of being too tired to be creative. May do some this afternoon when little miss has a nap...
Need to go shopping...fridge is almost bare, and I have nothing in for tea...
Just wonder if this is how I will feel forever now. Grumpy, tired, fed up, hormonal, one minute emotional, next there is nothing there.
Hubby did his 'specimen' today to see if the chop worked...here's hoping then I can get off the pill and get back to routine and maybe that will help stabilise the hormones!
Well, not much else to report, pretty boring week. Done some scrapbooking, catching up on last years holiday! Still got loads to do, it's just getting the time to do it, and feeling the inspiration when I have the time instead of being too tired to be creative. May do some this afternoon when little miss has a nap...
Need to go shopping...fridge is almost bare, and I have nothing in for tea...
Thursday 25 September 2008
2%
Yep, I was wrong.
Why does my crazy brain get a fleeting crazy notion, and decide to run with it, make me go insane thinking about all the possibilities, and take me a week to ask about it? Why? hubby is right, I am insane! And I really need to get my head sorted and not go off at tangents, and learn to speak up!
It's mad, sometimes I am the bravest, speak my mind woman, then others I daren't say boo to a goose. Hormones have a say in what kind of woman I am, brave or scared. Hubby needs to get his swimmers, or hopefully lack of them, checked and I can get of this darn stupid pill and get back to routine, and then hopefully manage my moods, migraines and everything else that comes along...
Hubby is off in France for a couple of days, another freebie, tasting great food and drinking fine wine, touring 101 places in 48 hours! I don't mind, but he worries that I am left on my own with the kids for 3 days! I don't know why he worries, I mean, 2 kids, 3 days, no help, not a problem. It's not like I am a single mum, or have a husband who works away for months on end. And I am kind of used to doing most things by myself anyway, as he works so many hours. It's no big deal. Just wish he wouldn't worry and feel guilty for getting a break!
Nothing much else is happening...except I am now back to my pre-pregnancy weight! Only taken me 21 months, though I did only start in November last year, so really it's 1o months...not bad considering they say it takes you 9 months to gain it so don't expect to loose it any quicker. Now it's down to the serious, proper weight loss! I WILL be a size 16 again...and go on to maybe a 14 or even a 12! To think when I started I worked out in my naivety that I would be a 16 by this summer...gone, and I am only now a 20/18 in some clothes...I think it is going to take me a lot longer than I thought! Going on it taking me 10 months to loose 2 1/2 stone, and I still have just under 5 to loose, I think I am looking at summer 2010....
Why does my crazy brain get a fleeting crazy notion, and decide to run with it, make me go insane thinking about all the possibilities, and take me a week to ask about it? Why? hubby is right, I am insane! And I really need to get my head sorted and not go off at tangents, and learn to speak up!
It's mad, sometimes I am the bravest, speak my mind woman, then others I daren't say boo to a goose. Hormones have a say in what kind of woman I am, brave or scared. Hubby needs to get his swimmers, or hopefully lack of them, checked and I can get of this darn stupid pill and get back to routine, and then hopefully manage my moods, migraines and everything else that comes along...
Hubby is off in France for a couple of days, another freebie, tasting great food and drinking fine wine, touring 101 places in 48 hours! I don't mind, but he worries that I am left on my own with the kids for 3 days! I don't know why he worries, I mean, 2 kids, 3 days, no help, not a problem. It's not like I am a single mum, or have a husband who works away for months on end. And I am kind of used to doing most things by myself anyway, as he works so many hours. It's no big deal. Just wish he wouldn't worry and feel guilty for getting a break!
Nothing much else is happening...except I am now back to my pre-pregnancy weight! Only taken me 21 months, though I did only start in November last year, so really it's 1o months...not bad considering they say it takes you 9 months to gain it so don't expect to loose it any quicker. Now it's down to the serious, proper weight loss! I WILL be a size 16 again...and go on to maybe a 14 or even a 12! To think when I started I worked out in my naivety that I would be a 16 by this summer...gone, and I am only now a 20/18 in some clothes...I think it is going to take me a lot longer than I thought! Going on it taking me 10 months to loose 2 1/2 stone, and I still have just under 5 to loose, I think I am looking at summer 2010....
Wednesday 17 September 2008
Another essay!
I really shouldn't leave it so long beteen posts!
The fridge freezer got fixed, it was water on the electrics, that we had to dry out by disconnecting the earth wire, plugging it in for 24 hours to dry it out, and reconnect the wire. YAY....nope. The fridge is freezing the food....arggggggghhhhh! So, after 3 emails to the guy, and contacting whirlpool to arrange an engineer after no response, we get a response! I do a bit of diy with his directions, and we find out it is the vent from the freezer that lets the cold air into the fridge, it has got condensation on the electrics and isn't closing...so he is sending the part and hubby is going to fit it in today, with instructions via telephone! Hay hum, here's hoping that's the end of our fridge freezer troubles! Which reminds me, I must cancel the engineer...
The problem of who to move into our flat has been sorted, my sister and brother-in-law want to move back! We have agreed to forgo the first months rent so they can re-carpet (or rather put laminate down) the front room, decorate and generally spruce it up and they move in next month in half term.
Mum is going off the rails slightly, a bit worried about her. But then, just feel too numb/unable to help. :(
It was our 7th wedding anniversary on Monday. Normally I am so excited, but I couldn't get excited. Don't know why, or do I? I don't know if I am getting more depressed, or what. I don't want to do anything again. I wish I could get a killer disease...that is my latest thought. Not good eh? Do I go back and see about another tablet increase? I don't know if I can be bothered.
I just want to sleep a lot.
I saw my sons teacher yesterday, after they sent him home with spellings...he doesn't even know his whole alphabet yet! She was really nice, said she is aware and monitoring the situation, that everyone got spellings, but they know how things lay at the moment. I mentioned the dyslexia again, and she seems to agree, though they are waiting to half term, and if there is no improvement, will look at where we go from here. Difficult when he is only 5 and a half. Hubby just puts it down to him being lazy. It really upsets me and him I think. I don't want him to be labeled that way, his teacher says he has a wonderful imagination, and his drawings are excellent...all indications of dyslexia. I just hope hubby accepts it if it is that, and if he is lazy, I can accept that too.
I think hubby lied to me at the weekend. I am 98% certain of it. It's not a major lie. But it is effecting me. I want to confront the situation, but I could still be wrong - 2%. And it would be an argument I don't know if I could handle right now. I wanted to raise it since, but there hasn't been a time to. Our Anniversary meal, at home with the kids who refused to sleep that night, as they do most nights really, was a shambles. I cooked a meal, lit candles, set the table, put a music channel on....Hubby gets home just after 8pm, kids come downstairs ' daddy daddy!' and bang goes any chance of talking. Go into the kitchen to cook the dinner and he changed the tv to a film...So after getting the kids into bed half way through our meal, he was engrossed in it whilst eating... I just gave in there and then. After pudding, I took little one to bed, as she had come back down stairs, and got into bed with her to get her off to sleep. Went downstairs and he was falling asleep, so we came to bed.
Well, think that is all. Weight loss is going very slowly, 1/2 lb a week, and I put on 1lb this week. Still, have lost 2 1/2 stone since November last year. I will stick to it....
The fridge freezer got fixed, it was water on the electrics, that we had to dry out by disconnecting the earth wire, plugging it in for 24 hours to dry it out, and reconnect the wire. YAY....nope. The fridge is freezing the food....arggggggghhhhh! So, after 3 emails to the guy, and contacting whirlpool to arrange an engineer after no response, we get a response! I do a bit of diy with his directions, and we find out it is the vent from the freezer that lets the cold air into the fridge, it has got condensation on the electrics and isn't closing...so he is sending the part and hubby is going to fit it in today, with instructions via telephone! Hay hum, here's hoping that's the end of our fridge freezer troubles! Which reminds me, I must cancel the engineer...
The problem of who to move into our flat has been sorted, my sister and brother-in-law want to move back! We have agreed to forgo the first months rent so they can re-carpet (or rather put laminate down) the front room, decorate and generally spruce it up and they move in next month in half term.
Mum is going off the rails slightly, a bit worried about her. But then, just feel too numb/unable to help. :(
It was our 7th wedding anniversary on Monday. Normally I am so excited, but I couldn't get excited. Don't know why, or do I? I don't know if I am getting more depressed, or what. I don't want to do anything again. I wish I could get a killer disease...that is my latest thought. Not good eh? Do I go back and see about another tablet increase? I don't know if I can be bothered.
I just want to sleep a lot.
I saw my sons teacher yesterday, after they sent him home with spellings...he doesn't even know his whole alphabet yet! She was really nice, said she is aware and monitoring the situation, that everyone got spellings, but they know how things lay at the moment. I mentioned the dyslexia again, and she seems to agree, though they are waiting to half term, and if there is no improvement, will look at where we go from here. Difficult when he is only 5 and a half. Hubby just puts it down to him being lazy. It really upsets me and him I think. I don't want him to be labeled that way, his teacher says he has a wonderful imagination, and his drawings are excellent...all indications of dyslexia. I just hope hubby accepts it if it is that, and if he is lazy, I can accept that too.
I think hubby lied to me at the weekend. I am 98% certain of it. It's not a major lie. But it is effecting me. I want to confront the situation, but I could still be wrong - 2%. And it would be an argument I don't know if I could handle right now. I wanted to raise it since, but there hasn't been a time to. Our Anniversary meal, at home with the kids who refused to sleep that night, as they do most nights really, was a shambles. I cooked a meal, lit candles, set the table, put a music channel on....Hubby gets home just after 8pm, kids come downstairs ' daddy daddy!' and bang goes any chance of talking. Go into the kitchen to cook the dinner and he changed the tv to a film...So after getting the kids into bed half way through our meal, he was engrossed in it whilst eating... I just gave in there and then. After pudding, I took little one to bed, as she had come back down stairs, and got into bed with her to get her off to sleep. Went downstairs and he was falling asleep, so we came to bed.
Well, think that is all. Weight loss is going very slowly, 1/2 lb a week, and I put on 1lb this week. Still, have lost 2 1/2 stone since November last year. I will stick to it....
Saturday 6 September 2008
Not much to report
All quiet on the western front....until I get started!
Mum came down for just over a week last week, which was nice. We sort of skirted the issues, a bit like the huge white elephant in the room no one wants to bring up. She was all lovey dovey on the phone, which made me a bit sick, but then thought, they have got 35+ years together so I suppose they can just sweep things under the carpet that easily.
They have decided to move out of our flat and into my grandads/now dads flat. So they have given me notice... don't know what we are going to do there yet. Hubby has a 2nd interview down south, so we might be moving further away! So just leaving it for now until we know which way we are going.
Bought a new fridge freezer of ebay, one of those 'without packaging, graded, in full working order but may have a scratch/dent here and there' companies. Great bargain, paid £33o + delivery for a £1100 American style fridge freezer! It arrived yesterday, on a pallet, so they couldn't get it through the gate. Hubby came home at lunch time and there was a builder next door doing some work he knows so he helped him maneuver it around the back of the house and in through the back door...after removing the fridge handles, fascia and the back door!!! It won't fit through the inner door into the room we were going to plumb it into, so it is in the back hall, on wheels as there is a small step in the way when you need to open the doors! Anyway, after getting it all sorted, find there are no instructions, so went on the Whirlpool web site, downloaded them and it said to leave it for 2hours before plugging in.
So, come 7pm, we plug it in....BANG! All lights/appliances/plugs fuse off. GREAT! Try a different plug to be sure...BANG. Hubby thinks it could be because they caught the wire under the fridge when lifting it off the pallet...so we cut the cable where he thinks it was, and re-wire a plug to it.... try again...BANG! Not that then! SO, check back with the ebay suppliers, and there policy is that we can return it (at our expense - and it cost £80 delivery!) and they will fix it, or call out an engineer and they will pay for any parts, but not engineer! Not looking good...
I have emailed the guy this morning, asking where we go from here, and see what they come back with. I said I would rather not send it back as it took such an effort to get the damn thing in, and would prefer to get it seen to here....so we are waiting to see the response!
Kids are back to school too ... YAY! He has been in trouble already though and had time out on Friday for pinching! Then there was a note saying they are getting spellings sent home next Friday...WHAT?! He is still struggling with his alphabet?! Think I am going to have to go see his teacher on Tuesday night and see where we go from here. I think he is dyslexic, though they don't test for it until 7 years, so only a year and a half to wait! He is getting a bit defiant too, and not listening to what we tell him, don't know if that is just him or linked to dyslexia? Anyway, he is meant to be tidying his room, it's been over an hour now... given him his last warning that if I have to tell him again to tidy it (he stops and starts) then there will be no going out for pizza tonight! Must go check on the process!
Mum came down for just over a week last week, which was nice. We sort of skirted the issues, a bit like the huge white elephant in the room no one wants to bring up. She was all lovey dovey on the phone, which made me a bit sick, but then thought, they have got 35+ years together so I suppose they can just sweep things under the carpet that easily.
They have decided to move out of our flat and into my grandads/now dads flat. So they have given me notice... don't know what we are going to do there yet. Hubby has a 2nd interview down south, so we might be moving further away! So just leaving it for now until we know which way we are going.
Bought a new fridge freezer of ebay, one of those 'without packaging, graded, in full working order but may have a scratch/dent here and there' companies. Great bargain, paid £33o + delivery for a £1100 American style fridge freezer! It arrived yesterday, on a pallet, so they couldn't get it through the gate. Hubby came home at lunch time and there was a builder next door doing some work he knows so he helped him maneuver it around the back of the house and in through the back door...after removing the fridge handles, fascia and the back door!!! It won't fit through the inner door into the room we were going to plumb it into, so it is in the back hall, on wheels as there is a small step in the way when you need to open the doors! Anyway, after getting it all sorted, find there are no instructions, so went on the Whirlpool web site, downloaded them and it said to leave it for 2hours before plugging in.
So, come 7pm, we plug it in....BANG! All lights/appliances/plugs fuse off. GREAT! Try a different plug to be sure...BANG. Hubby thinks it could be because they caught the wire under the fridge when lifting it off the pallet...so we cut the cable where he thinks it was, and re-wire a plug to it.... try again...BANG! Not that then! SO, check back with the ebay suppliers, and there policy is that we can return it (at our expense - and it cost £80 delivery!) and they will fix it, or call out an engineer and they will pay for any parts, but not engineer! Not looking good...
I have emailed the guy this morning, asking where we go from here, and see what they come back with. I said I would rather not send it back as it took such an effort to get the damn thing in, and would prefer to get it seen to here....so we are waiting to see the response!
Kids are back to school too ... YAY! He has been in trouble already though and had time out on Friday for pinching! Then there was a note saying they are getting spellings sent home next Friday...WHAT?! He is still struggling with his alphabet?! Think I am going to have to go see his teacher on Tuesday night and see where we go from here. I think he is dyslexic, though they don't test for it until 7 years, so only a year and a half to wait! He is getting a bit defiant too, and not listening to what we tell him, don't know if that is just him or linked to dyslexia? Anyway, he is meant to be tidying his room, it's been over an hour now... given him his last warning that if I have to tell him again to tidy it (he stops and starts) then there will be no going out for pizza tonight! Must go check on the process!
Friday 22 August 2008
A month!
I can't believe it's been nearly a month since I last blogged! Well, I can, I have been too busy with the school holidays, and too tired to be bothered! The last 3 weeks have been pretty up and down, but mainly down. I don't know what has been wrong, just can't seem to shake off the cloud. I think things might be picking up again though... Maybe just took so long for the increased meds to kick in? On stupid cerazette pill too so don't get a regular period, if any, but still have the pmt at random times, and it takes me the week to figure out that is why I feel so crap!
Suffered with a migraine a couple of weeks back for nearly 4 days, so wasn't good, then broke out in spots the week after, then had a headache (stress head!) for 2/3 days after that! No wonder I feel crap! My boobs have been killing too this last week, and after asking my sister do they do that when you ovulate, are due on, or what!? she said are you pregnant?! Since hubby had the chop 2 months back, and I am still on the pill until we get the all clear on that front, I said no, no way! But then when I didn't get any period, and I usually get a little spotting if nothing else, I began to worry! So got a cheap hpt and did it the next day... -ive! PHEW! I know there is no way I could be, but then I still go out and get a hpt to make sure! Am I mad?!
Anyway, we have finally got a loan sorted, just waiting on the cheque clearing...then we can pay of a few debts and relax for a few more months! The kids are doing ok, doing our heads in some times, especially with the added pmt, but they are stars really! Been to the park the last two days, off again today, if the weather stays nice, then a walk to the station to pick up mum who is coming to stay for 10 days. On the mum front, she is back with my dad, or rather he has moved back into the flat, they are going to rent out my grandads. I just said alright when she told me, and she misheard and thought I said 'why?!' and so went a bit defensive, until I said I only said 'alright'. She knows my opinion, so I don't need to tell her again. She has to make her own decisions, just as I make mine. Just have to be there for her. My other siblings don't seem to be. I think they have had enough...and who can blame them. They live so close so get it all, then when she goes off for a while and sends an email saying 'glad you aren't here' to them, I would be a bit peeved too!
Have given up on the counselling. I know what I need to do, so there was no point to carrying on really. It was good to vent I suppose, and know that I was going in the right direction. Resigned myself to staying on meds for quite a while longer. It's been over a year, nearly a year and a half. Maybe I will be on them for the rest of my life? Anyway, they are working, so why give up on them...
Suffered with a migraine a couple of weeks back for nearly 4 days, so wasn't good, then broke out in spots the week after, then had a headache (stress head!) for 2/3 days after that! No wonder I feel crap! My boobs have been killing too this last week, and after asking my sister do they do that when you ovulate, are due on, or what!? she said are you pregnant?! Since hubby had the chop 2 months back, and I am still on the pill until we get the all clear on that front, I said no, no way! But then when I didn't get any period, and I usually get a little spotting if nothing else, I began to worry! So got a cheap hpt and did it the next day... -ive! PHEW! I know there is no way I could be, but then I still go out and get a hpt to make sure! Am I mad?!
Anyway, we have finally got a loan sorted, just waiting on the cheque clearing...then we can pay of a few debts and relax for a few more months! The kids are doing ok, doing our heads in some times, especially with the added pmt, but they are stars really! Been to the park the last two days, off again today, if the weather stays nice, then a walk to the station to pick up mum who is coming to stay for 10 days. On the mum front, she is back with my dad, or rather he has moved back into the flat, they are going to rent out my grandads. I just said alright when she told me, and she misheard and thought I said 'why?!' and so went a bit defensive, until I said I only said 'alright'. She knows my opinion, so I don't need to tell her again. She has to make her own decisions, just as I make mine. Just have to be there for her. My other siblings don't seem to be. I think they have had enough...and who can blame them. They live so close so get it all, then when she goes off for a while and sends an email saying 'glad you aren't here' to them, I would be a bit peeved too!
Have given up on the counselling. I know what I need to do, so there was no point to carrying on really. It was good to vent I suppose, and know that I was going in the right direction. Resigned myself to staying on meds for quite a while longer. It's been over a year, nearly a year and a half. Maybe I will be on them for the rest of my life? Anyway, they are working, so why give up on them...
Friday 25 July 2008
And now for somthing totally different.....
The school holidays began on Wednesday, only on my 3rd day....only 38 more to go! So far so good! Mind you, hubby is off for two weeks so the last two mornings he has got up and sorted them out with breakfast etc while I got a lie in! Am I fortunate or what?! Really must pull my weight though and start getting up early. Off to go get a pool later for the kids as last years has a hole in it and a rip down the side! They are down in the garden bouncing on a mini bouncy castle ring at the moment, though I think the red dye is coming off and going all over the kids! Oh well, it's all part of the fun!
I have increased my meds again, taking 2 10mg tablets until I get to see the doc sometime next week and make sure it is ok to up them again. 10mg just wasn't working. I was going downhill again and just wondered why I was trying to get off them when I clearly was a train wreak without them. Ok, so I am no saint on them, still have my moments, and they do take away a lot of stuff, go round in a bit of a haze sometimes, but that has got to be better than struggling to get out of bed and do anything at all and feeling what is the point of it all?
Seeing my councillor now, had 2 sessions, got another one next Wednesday. So far so good. feel a little stupid sometimes, as it seems that I know what I need to be doing to feel better in myself, just doing it that is a problem! And when she asks questions, I seem to go blank, my memory is sooo bad! I got a little upset last session, feeling a little worthless, which came across quite stupid as I was saying how I seemed void of all emotion! We have some great kids, and I just feel everyone says you are doing a great job, but I don't think I am, or could be, if that makes sense?
Anyway, speaking of doing a great job, I really should get them dressed and sort out some lunch!
I have increased my meds again, taking 2 10mg tablets until I get to see the doc sometime next week and make sure it is ok to up them again. 10mg just wasn't working. I was going downhill again and just wondered why I was trying to get off them when I clearly was a train wreak without them. Ok, so I am no saint on them, still have my moments, and they do take away a lot of stuff, go round in a bit of a haze sometimes, but that has got to be better than struggling to get out of bed and do anything at all and feeling what is the point of it all?
Seeing my councillor now, had 2 sessions, got another one next Wednesday. So far so good. feel a little stupid sometimes, as it seems that I know what I need to be doing to feel better in myself, just doing it that is a problem! And when she asks questions, I seem to go blank, my memory is sooo bad! I got a little upset last session, feeling a little worthless, which came across quite stupid as I was saying how I seemed void of all emotion! We have some great kids, and I just feel everyone says you are doing a great job, but I don't think I am, or could be, if that makes sense?
Anyway, speaking of doing a great job, I really should get them dressed and sort out some lunch!
Monday 14 July 2008
Rainy days and Mondays...
Well, haven't blogged for a few weeks as I got a call saying my Grandad didn't have long to live, so rushed up to be with him. I'm glad I went when I did, as I got to see him with him knowing we went, and were there, as the next day we changed his medication which made him sleep more and be 'out of it' most of the time, as he was getting panicky with the hiccups and struggling to catch his breath. It was 'all part of the process of dying'. I sat and held his hand a few times when I was up, and felt so useless compared to my brother who was so wonderful and caring with him. I think he went up twice a day to be with him, and was with him at the end, along with my sister and mum. My dad was asleep, and I was 1o minutes too late.
A lot was said, a lot of hurt was felt, and there will always be a distance between my family now. My brother and sisters and I all held our own private 'ceremony' after the cremation on Friday, where it dutifully rained all day, up at the clock tower where my grandma wanted her ashes to be, but they never got there due to my father's wishes and his awful philandering. My brother and one sister only found this out at his death, and my brother was so distraught. He feels as though everything has been taken from him, as he really looked up to my grandad, like a father. We have agreed that we will meet up once a year on their wedding anniversary, and have a meal or just go for a drink, and remember them and their strong relationship, which is a wonderful example of true love. We also agreed that if out parents say anything about any of us, we will go to that person and check if it is true, as so many lies were told, it really was heart breaking.
My mum may be getting back together with my dad, who inherited my grandad's flat and money. She is undecided, but they are still friends, and spend a lot of time together....what a mess! She just needs to cut him out of her life and get on with hers. And he needs to crawl off into a dark pit.
My diet obviously took a nose dive, and after loosing 3lb the week before I left, in the two weeks I was away I gained 3.5lb! To be expected though, and I am back on track today! I am going to do this!
The house sale, that is not going to happen. For what we would get for it its not worth it. So we are hanging on to it ... for now. Still worried about money, but come to the conclusion so is everyone!
Well, that is all for now, must get on with tidying the mess of a house and washing the mountain of clothes!
A lot was said, a lot of hurt was felt, and there will always be a distance between my family now. My brother and sisters and I all held our own private 'ceremony' after the cremation on Friday, where it dutifully rained all day, up at the clock tower where my grandma wanted her ashes to be, but they never got there due to my father's wishes and his awful philandering. My brother and one sister only found this out at his death, and my brother was so distraught. He feels as though everything has been taken from him, as he really looked up to my grandad, like a father. We have agreed that we will meet up once a year on their wedding anniversary, and have a meal or just go for a drink, and remember them and their strong relationship, which is a wonderful example of true love. We also agreed that if out parents say anything about any of us, we will go to that person and check if it is true, as so many lies were told, it really was heart breaking.
My mum may be getting back together with my dad, who inherited my grandad's flat and money. She is undecided, but they are still friends, and spend a lot of time together....what a mess! She just needs to cut him out of her life and get on with hers. And he needs to crawl off into a dark pit.
My diet obviously took a nose dive, and after loosing 3lb the week before I left, in the two weeks I was away I gained 3.5lb! To be expected though, and I am back on track today! I am going to do this!
The house sale, that is not going to happen. For what we would get for it its not worth it. So we are hanging on to it ... for now. Still worried about money, but come to the conclusion so is everyone!
Well, that is all for now, must get on with tidying the mess of a house and washing the mountain of clothes!
Wednesday 25 June 2008
'Things can't get any worse'.........
Famous last words. After everything that has been thrown hurled at me this year, I thought I was through with it....oh no.....how wrong was I!
My grandad who lost his wife in March, has stomach cancer. He has been suffering for over a month because when he went into hospital, doubled in pain, they told him it was constipation, and wouldn't do a full scan, despite my mum pointing out that his brother had died from bowel cancer, and sister from stomach cancer. No, they send him on his way, with fybogel and a pat on the back, and tell him to see his doctor if it doesn't get better. Thankfully the doctor arranged the scan, as he knew something wasn't right, as we all suspected.
He is now in a hospice getting his medication sorted. Been given around 3 months. It's inoperable, they could do chemo, but that would just prolong the pain and he just wants rid of the pain. Mum says he is quite ok, says he has had a good life, got to see his grand children and great grandchildren, and that his wife is calling him.
Going home next week to see him. Another reason to wish we were nearer, though they are getting fewer and fewer. The house is also going on the market. Need to sort out our finances, and worry about us and no one else.
My grandad who lost his wife in March, has stomach cancer. He has been suffering for over a month because when he went into hospital, doubled in pain, they told him it was constipation, and wouldn't do a full scan, despite my mum pointing out that his brother had died from bowel cancer, and sister from stomach cancer. No, they send him on his way, with fybogel and a pat on the back, and tell him to see his doctor if it doesn't get better. Thankfully the doctor arranged the scan, as he knew something wasn't right, as we all suspected.
He is now in a hospice getting his medication sorted. Been given around 3 months. It's inoperable, they could do chemo, but that would just prolong the pain and he just wants rid of the pain. Mum says he is quite ok, says he has had a good life, got to see his grand children and great grandchildren, and that his wife is calling him.
Going home next week to see him. Another reason to wish we were nearer, though they are getting fewer and fewer. The house is also going on the market. Need to sort out our finances, and worry about us and no one else.
Sunday 22 June 2008
Feeling rough
Full of cold and aches....waiting for the lemsip max tablets to kick in and I just want to sleep! Didn't get up until 2.30, had a bit of lunch and decided to take a shower to try and see if it helped.... It did for a while, got the washing sorted and kids organised, then feel rough again. Just came on to check my mail and bits and pieces then I am off to lie down again.
Hubby had the snip yesterday, so he's all 'injured' and spent the rest of the day resting...waited on hand and foot, and seems to have survived ok! Had a shower this afternoon, cleaned it all up and he can't believe how small the hole is! LOL! He's gone off to work for a couple of hours, so we shall see how good he is feeling when he gets back!
Didn't get to go to my counselling last week, she called on the day to cancel it, as her car had been broken into and she had to wait for someone to come fix it. So re-scheduled it to Thursday...nearly said to cancel it, but didn't. Got to give it a go or I will always wonder...
Picked up in the mood stakes from around Thursday, though still had my moments. Obviously with coming down with this darn cold since Saturday it hasn't helped, but I am going to give things a few more weeks and see how it goes.
Managed to lose 1lb this week too, which was a bonus as I expected another gain! Just want to eat all the time recently, it seems like a constant battle to stop myself from shoveling food down my mouth all day! Put it down to stress, and it must have been the way I coped with it! Most days I am winning, but it is a struggle. Oh well, nearly into the 14 stone mark, and half a stone from my pre-pregnancy weight!
Hubby had the snip yesterday, so he's all 'injured' and spent the rest of the day resting...waited on hand and foot, and seems to have survived ok! Had a shower this afternoon, cleaned it all up and he can't believe how small the hole is! LOL! He's gone off to work for a couple of hours, so we shall see how good he is feeling when he gets back!
Didn't get to go to my counselling last week, she called on the day to cancel it, as her car had been broken into and she had to wait for someone to come fix it. So re-scheduled it to Thursday...nearly said to cancel it, but didn't. Got to give it a go or I will always wonder...
Picked up in the mood stakes from around Thursday, though still had my moments. Obviously with coming down with this darn cold since Saturday it hasn't helped, but I am going to give things a few more weeks and see how it goes.
Managed to lose 1lb this week too, which was a bonus as I expected another gain! Just want to eat all the time recently, it seems like a constant battle to stop myself from shoveling food down my mouth all day! Put it down to stress, and it must have been the way I coped with it! Most days I am winning, but it is a struggle. Oh well, nearly into the 14 stone mark, and half a stone from my pre-pregnancy weight!
Monday 16 June 2008
Can't think of a decent title....that's how it is right now...
I put on weight last week....1/2 lb. I was expecting it though as I have kind of gone off the rails a bit this past couple of weeks! I am expecting to stay the same this week, hopefully not gained again! Full of good intentions then had a curry with the trimmings, thinking I was being good with the mixed grill, only to find out after I had eaten it that the whole thing added up to over a days points worth!! So set the week off to another spiraling downward mess! Picked myself up again these past two days though so hopefully there won't be too much damage!
Still feeling crappy. Think I am just waiting for the counselling now on Wednesday to see if that is why, and wondering if I am going to have to increase the old meds again...maybe 10mg just isn't enough for me and I need 20mg and that is the way it is going to be forever? Giving it another month, if I still feel this bad I will go review it with the doc again... :(
Totally lacking motivation too. Still not painted the landing walls, need to do a good tidy up and re-organise downstairs, I did the kitchen, just need to do the front room and the dumping ground, also known as the laundry room/back hall! With both mum's coming down in two weeks I had better get it sorted!!!
Still feeling crappy. Think I am just waiting for the counselling now on Wednesday to see if that is why, and wondering if I am going to have to increase the old meds again...maybe 10mg just isn't enough for me and I need 20mg and that is the way it is going to be forever? Giving it another month, if I still feel this bad I will go review it with the doc again... :(
Totally lacking motivation too. Still not painted the landing walls, need to do a good tidy up and re-organise downstairs, I did the kitchen, just need to do the front room and the dumping ground, also known as the laundry room/back hall! With both mum's coming down in two weeks I had better get it sorted!!!
Saturday 7 June 2008
Councilling
After waiting since January and my ordeal, I now have an appointment to see a councillor. I was in two minds as to weather to go now, as it has been so long and do I really need it, but then I would always wonder if I had just covered over it and not faced up to it. I may have got over it, or it may be that I am not really facing it, and therefore I havn't got anywhere near to getting over it...
Most people who know what happened (as much as they can know) have said it is a good idea and I should go, but I haven't told hubby, and when the letter came today, he asked what it was. I told him it was for an appointment, a meeting. 'What meeting?' so I said I was getting counselling, to which he asked why hadn't I discussed it with him? I said it was just to see if I was ok still, and getting on alright. He then asked why I hadn't told him and I said because you wouldn't agree with it and think I shouldn't go. He said that's right but you should still discuss it with me. If he knew the real reason, I know it would hit the fan, so to speak. He thinks we are over it, moved on. And maybe we are, but I need to know for sure, to know it isn't just the meds dulling my senses and that I am ok with the fact he did what he did...I can't even bring myself to expose it on here.
So much has happened since then, I don't know if I will remember it all....babies being born, grandma dying, burning myself, dad coming out, mum and dad separating, sister's od.....what a mess! Maybe after this counselling I should see about a councillor to deal with that lot!
Most people who know what happened (as much as they can know) have said it is a good idea and I should go, but I haven't told hubby, and when the letter came today, he asked what it was. I told him it was for an appointment, a meeting. 'What meeting?' so I said I was getting counselling, to which he asked why hadn't I discussed it with him? I said it was just to see if I was ok still, and getting on alright. He then asked why I hadn't told him and I said because you wouldn't agree with it and think I shouldn't go. He said that's right but you should still discuss it with me. If he knew the real reason, I know it would hit the fan, so to speak. He thinks we are over it, moved on. And maybe we are, but I need to know for sure, to know it isn't just the meds dulling my senses and that I am ok with the fact he did what he did...I can't even bring myself to expose it on here.
So much has happened since then, I don't know if I will remember it all....babies being born, grandma dying, burning myself, dad coming out, mum and dad separating, sister's od.....what a mess! Maybe after this counselling I should see about a councillor to deal with that lot!
Thursday 5 June 2008
Dear Diary..........
Whilst visiting my family, I have been helping my sister to get some photos together for my grandad, and put them onto a dvd so that he can sit and watch all his favourites of my grandma, and a few of us as kids and growing up, so that he doesn't have to get the boxes and boxes and bags of pictures out! Well, I suppose after 70+ years you accumulate quite a few! I think I counted 6 albums, 2 chest boxes, a shoe box and carrier with at least 10 envelopes full of photos. It was strange going through them, remembering a few, and not remembering so much. Then there were the 'old' photos, the sepia ones of long lost family, who we hadn't a clue were. My grandad was a handsome, if somewhat short man, and my grandma, well, I am pleased to say I think I have inherited some of her good looks! Pictures of us as babies, and then seeing me at my sons age, telling him that was me, it's all so .... I don't know the word, peaceful, surreal? It made me glad that I have been scrap booking, because if things go on, my kids will know who people are, and why and when pictures were taken, and get a clip pet on how people were, and they were as kids. I think that is important, and wish scrap booking had been around all those years ago. I am sure my grandma would have loved and indulged so much into it.
Also, we came across an old cigar box, another memory of the book sized box with cut glass mirrors on, and we sneaked a peek, you know, in case we had missed any photos! And we found postcards, letters, drawings we had done as children, and cards hand made for my grandparents by us. It was so sweet and lovely. It brought a tear to my eye. She was so thoughtful my grandma. I am going to start keeping little things my kids do for me, and get a box to keep them all in. And it also made me think how things have changed, I used to write to them and my friends when I was young, now we live in an age of the Internet, and I don't write anymore.
I am going to take note of this and buy a writing pad today, and sit and write a letter to my grandad, and try to do one every week, just so he feels close, as he had a tear in his eye as we left, and so did I. I hate using the phone, it feels so impersonal, but writing I love, as you can tell! I remember doing an assignment at school, one writing a piece as a journalist for a newspaper, and one as a letter to a friend, and I got an A+ for my friends letter! I have always remembered that, despite forgetting so much! And it also got me thinking, that this blog in effect is my diary.
Also, we came across an old cigar box, another memory of the book sized box with cut glass mirrors on, and we sneaked a peek, you know, in case we had missed any photos! And we found postcards, letters, drawings we had done as children, and cards hand made for my grandparents by us. It was so sweet and lovely. It brought a tear to my eye. She was so thoughtful my grandma. I am going to start keeping little things my kids do for me, and get a box to keep them all in. And it also made me think how things have changed, I used to write to them and my friends when I was young, now we live in an age of the Internet, and I don't write anymore.
I am going to take note of this and buy a writing pad today, and sit and write a letter to my grandad, and try to do one every week, just so he feels close, as he had a tear in his eye as we left, and so did I. I hate using the phone, it feels so impersonal, but writing I love, as you can tell! I remember doing an assignment at school, one writing a piece as a journalist for a newspaper, and one as a letter to a friend, and I got an A+ for my friends letter! I have always remembered that, despite forgetting so much! And it also got me thinking, that this blog in effect is my diary.
Monday 2 June 2008
what a fortnight
Well, I did plant the pansies, finish decorating the bedroom too! Just got he landing to do now!
Been to visit my family over the school holidays, though cut it short as there was too much atmosphere when my other half joined us. Saw my new niece, she reminds me so much of my daughter when she was born! And saw my not so little nephew, who is 4 months, in 9 months clothing!! Learnt more about my father, and dislike him even more now, if that is possible! I was civil to him, which I thought was very good of me, when I could have slapped him and told him to go to hell. Anyway, hopefully things will get sorted there. He has moved out....for now! Who knows how long it will last before my mum caves in and lets him back, and puts up with his lies and deceit. I just don't understand her sometimes. How can anyone put themselves through it time and time again? Once, forgive, twice, your out, my motto. I know it may be different if I was in her shoes, but I just can't see it. And I found out my sister has been back on heroin over the last couple of months....this upset me. She didn't tell me, it came from my mum, who was told by my dad, who was told by her when she confronted him with a lot of stuff whilst a little worse for wear! This is the sister who tried to commit suicide, by a supposed insulin od, but we are beginning to wonder if it was heroin now :( It's all such a mess.
Diet going ok, lost 1lb in the last two weeks, which is good to say I have eaten rubbish with being away, stressed, and on! Think it might catch up with me this week though! That elusive 2 stone marker is only 1/2 lb off, and it seems to be taking forever! I have had some nice compliments though recently of people noticing my weight loss, which is a boost!
Off to make lunch, and bake....I need to bake today!
Been to visit my family over the school holidays, though cut it short as there was too much atmosphere when my other half joined us. Saw my new niece, she reminds me so much of my daughter when she was born! And saw my not so little nephew, who is 4 months, in 9 months clothing!! Learnt more about my father, and dislike him even more now, if that is possible! I was civil to him, which I thought was very good of me, when I could have slapped him and told him to go to hell. Anyway, hopefully things will get sorted there. He has moved out....for now! Who knows how long it will last before my mum caves in and lets him back, and puts up with his lies and deceit. I just don't understand her sometimes. How can anyone put themselves through it time and time again? Once, forgive, twice, your out, my motto. I know it may be different if I was in her shoes, but I just can't see it. And I found out my sister has been back on heroin over the last couple of months....this upset me. She didn't tell me, it came from my mum, who was told by my dad, who was told by her when she confronted him with a lot of stuff whilst a little worse for wear! This is the sister who tried to commit suicide, by a supposed insulin od, but we are beginning to wonder if it was heroin now :( It's all such a mess.
Diet going ok, lost 1lb in the last two weeks, which is good to say I have eaten rubbish with being away, stressed, and on! Think it might catch up with me this week though! That elusive 2 stone marker is only 1/2 lb off, and it seems to be taking forever! I have had some nice compliments though recently of people noticing my weight loss, which is a boost!
Off to make lunch, and bake....I need to bake today!
Tuesday 20 May 2008
On a lighter note...
Feeling a little better after my last post. It definitely helps to get it all out! My sister has had her baby too yesterday, which is wonderful, though she is mad for not taking an epidural when the doc offered one, and pushing for over an hour!!! Thankfully, she has only had to stay in 24 hours to make sure she is ok, poor mite pooped for Britain apparently! And my sister has stitches....should have gone for the epidural!! She has said never again, but don't we all after giving birth?! I have contemplated this, as there is no way I could go through the pregnancy/birth/depression ever again, but I do still get broody...must get him in for the chop!
Anyway, after doing miles and miles of walking, I am beginning to feel a little more fitter, I say a little as when I walk up the huge hill to my son's school, I can make it to the top now without having sweat pour down my face, rasping for breath! Still have some heavy breathing, but I am getting better!!! Only need to lose 1.5lb to have made it to 2 stone lost, though from my sneeky peak on the scales I have gained this week, so my joy may be short lived!
I am contemplating finishing decorating the bedroom.....and planting the still un~planted pansies tomorrow, though at this rate they will all have died by the time they get into the garden as they are all in bloom in their polystyrene carton sat on our plastic garden table in the back garden! Oh well, they do look nice anyway, even if no one else gets to see them!
Must get some sleep or I will never get all my jobs done, and end up back in the throws of gloom and despair!
Anyway, after doing miles and miles of walking, I am beginning to feel a little more fitter, I say a little as when I walk up the huge hill to my son's school, I can make it to the top now without having sweat pour down my face, rasping for breath! Still have some heavy breathing, but I am getting better!!! Only need to lose 1.5lb to have made it to 2 stone lost, though from my sneeky peak on the scales I have gained this week, so my joy may be short lived!
I am contemplating finishing decorating the bedroom.....and planting the still un~planted pansies tomorrow, though at this rate they will all have died by the time they get into the garden as they are all in bloom in their polystyrene carton sat on our plastic garden table in the back garden! Oh well, they do look nice anyway, even if no one else gets to see them!
Must get some sleep or I will never get all my jobs done, and end up back in the throws of gloom and despair!
Friday 16 May 2008
Depression or Life?
This is my recent contemplation.
Am I still depressed, after a year on antidepressants for PND, or is this just the way I am, having crap days where I don't want to do anything, which can become weeks, then suddenly I have the burst of energy and everything is rosy?
Is this my life? Sure, everyone has bad days, and maybe I am just someone who has more than most, and I should just get on with it.
Haven't wanted to do anything for the past 3 days....went to bed early last night, and still didn't want to get up this morning...I have a pile of ironing which I must do today, which isn't too bad, I can cope with that, but the decorating needs finishing in our bedroom, the landing still needs doing, the bed needs changing, kids rooms need tidying, still haven't planted the pansies in the front garden, and I just can't face it all. It's enough to get myself organised to figure out what to make for tea, pick eldest up from school, and try to keep 1yr old entertained....is this life?
Am I still depressed, after a year on antidepressants for PND, or is this just the way I am, having crap days where I don't want to do anything, which can become weeks, then suddenly I have the burst of energy and everything is rosy?
Is this my life? Sure, everyone has bad days, and maybe I am just someone who has more than most, and I should just get on with it.
Haven't wanted to do anything for the past 3 days....went to bed early last night, and still didn't want to get up this morning...I have a pile of ironing which I must do today, which isn't too bad, I can cope with that, but the decorating needs finishing in our bedroom, the landing still needs doing, the bed needs changing, kids rooms need tidying, still haven't planted the pansies in the front garden, and I just can't face it all. It's enough to get myself organised to figure out what to make for tea, pick eldest up from school, and try to keep 1yr old entertained....is this life?
Tuesday 13 May 2008
Another week...another problem!
Well, I gave the Argos card some hammer...bought weed cover mat, stones - 5 bags for one small area! 5 plants to put through the mat: a Calla Lilly, daisy plant, two carnations, and some green leafy type plant, solar lights, and some pansies to go in the front garden. Then Two tins of paint, and I had to go back for more stones as I had only got 2 bags 1st visit, so decided to sand down some old draws and paint them black and put new handles on...so got that, brushes, rollers, masking tape...think that was all! And in two days I weeded the back patch, laid the mat, cut holes and planted, covered in stones, set out the lights, masked out one wall to paint, did two coats, sanded the draws, painted the draws and attached new handles! PHEW! worn out and come down with a cold which seems to have attacked the kids too! So still have to plant the pansies and a little paint work to do, just go round the edges, and do a small wall that I managed to get paint on! Then the bedroom is done...unless I attack the wardrobe with the black paint.....only problem is my eczema on my hands is so bad I just want to cut them off!
Other news, just when you think no more, surely nothing else can go wrong in this family, bang, your sister decides she doesn't want to live and tries to OD. Think it was just a cry for help, as she called an ambulance, and could have done a lot more damage with the insulin my mum has in the house. So I am in two minds as to weather to go visit... She has said not to, and I have said she can come stay here for a while if it is all to much for her back home, but she doesn't want to. I think she is just confused, and in need of help, which hopefully she will get. Plus she has got to stop getting so drunk! Gone from one addiction to the other poor girl.
Anyway, as it stands, I will stay put for now, plus we have so much going on this week, hubby has his colonoscopy tomorrow, put it off twice already, and I am waiting for a washing machine to be delivered, as mine has given up spinning....clothes are piling up and I am beginning to think a trip to the laundrette is in order pretty soon! And then I have volunteered to man a stall at the school fayre this Saturday....I've been assigned the coconut stall! (Ironic with my life!)
Well, that's this weeks news, oh except trying to organise a surprise 50th for hubby, talk about stress. Will let you know more when I do!
Other news, just when you think no more, surely nothing else can go wrong in this family, bang, your sister decides she doesn't want to live and tries to OD. Think it was just a cry for help, as she called an ambulance, and could have done a lot more damage with the insulin my mum has in the house. So I am in two minds as to weather to go visit... She has said not to, and I have said she can come stay here for a while if it is all to much for her back home, but she doesn't want to. I think she is just confused, and in need of help, which hopefully she will get. Plus she has got to stop getting so drunk! Gone from one addiction to the other poor girl.
Anyway, as it stands, I will stay put for now, plus we have so much going on this week, hubby has his colonoscopy tomorrow, put it off twice already, and I am waiting for a washing machine to be delivered, as mine has given up spinning....clothes are piling up and I am beginning to think a trip to the laundrette is in order pretty soon! And then I have volunteered to man a stall at the school fayre this Saturday....I've been assigned the coconut stall! (Ironic with my life!)
Well, that's this weeks news, oh except trying to organise a surprise 50th for hubby, talk about stress. Will let you know more when I do!
Tuesday 6 May 2008
Has it already been a week?
Time seems to be flying! The weather has picked up over the weekend, which is always nice! Just got to sort out the garden now! Hubby cut the grass on Saturday, and I have already weeded the front garden, just got to get onto the patch in the back .... what to do! It's the place the cat always goes to do his business (yuck!) and has sprouted weeds...
Last year I grew veg...can't remember...oh, wait, it was Cauliflowers, which we only ate 2 of as they were crawling with creepies, and I couldn't handle them! And some spring onions, which were ok, but very very strong! And something else...think it was broad beans! My memory is shot! Year before I grew peas which were ok, and I did it the year before that, which were nicer, and sweet peas too that year. We also have a strawberry patch which we added to yearly, but hubby has gone over it with the mower this year, so no strawberries for us!
This year, I am not going down the veggie route. I am thinking of weeding, covering it with that great stuff you put down to stop weeds growing through, and putting a load of stones on top, and then maybe getting a couple of pots with some plants in to go on top....much easier!
Also planning on doing a bit of decorating....seeing as we have only decorated the hall since we moved in 4 years ago on the surmise that we would not be staying more than a year, two at the most! Got to face facts, and start living! Off to homebase to do some damage to the Argos card!
Last year I grew veg...can't remember...oh, wait, it was Cauliflowers, which we only ate 2 of as they were crawling with creepies, and I couldn't handle them! And some spring onions, which were ok, but very very strong! And something else...think it was broad beans! My memory is shot! Year before I grew peas which were ok, and I did it the year before that, which were nicer, and sweet peas too that year. We also have a strawberry patch which we added to yearly, but hubby has gone over it with the mower this year, so no strawberries for us!
This year, I am not going down the veggie route. I am thinking of weeding, covering it with that great stuff you put down to stop weeds growing through, and putting a load of stones on top, and then maybe getting a couple of pots with some plants in to go on top....much easier!
Also planning on doing a bit of decorating....seeing as we have only decorated the hall since we moved in 4 years ago on the surmise that we would not be staying more than a year, two at the most! Got to face facts, and start living! Off to homebase to do some damage to the Argos card!
Tuesday 29 April 2008
The Verdict
He doesn't like it! Too 'Purple'! I don't know. In certain light it does look all purple, but when it's evening, it is nice dark with a hint of plum! I think next time I might just try the very dark brown without any 'hint' of colour! Got to be a win win situation then! Though hubby probably won't like it, likes blond! But I just don't do blond!
Anyway, having a good couple of days, hubby has won some money (SHOCK!) and so we don't need a mini-loan to tide us over until we sort out the mortgage loan! For the 3rd time! Should get it right this time, right?...........
We are doing well, settled back into a normal routine, and I am trying to be more positive. I think everything that has happened these last few months clouded out our own problem, until today, when we got the answer we wanted and the stress and worry has now gone. Still going to go for counselling, just to make sure I am not hiding anything from myself, if you get what I mean. Anyway, we are strong.
Mum and Dad are going to relate....and she has apologised for dumping things on us kids. Though to be honest, I am glad I know, though I know I don't know everything, and probably never will, what I know is enough, and for me, right now, I don't want anything to do with him. May change with time but there we have it.
Well, off to bed, yet another late night.
Anyway, having a good couple of days, hubby has won some money (SHOCK!) and so we don't need a mini-loan to tide us over until we sort out the mortgage loan! For the 3rd time! Should get it right this time, right?...........
We are doing well, settled back into a normal routine, and I am trying to be more positive. I think everything that has happened these last few months clouded out our own problem, until today, when we got the answer we wanted and the stress and worry has now gone. Still going to go for counselling, just to make sure I am not hiding anything from myself, if you get what I mean. Anyway, we are strong.
Mum and Dad are going to relate....and she has apologised for dumping things on us kids. Though to be honest, I am glad I know, though I know I don't know everything, and probably never will, what I know is enough, and for me, right now, I don't want anything to do with him. May change with time but there we have it.
Well, off to bed, yet another late night.
Sunday 27 April 2008
Gone mad...
and dyed my hair! Purple! Well, Plum I think is the technical term for it...! Just done it and it is still wet........I think I like it! For the 1st time ever in the history of dying my hair, which isn't very extensive! I've been lighter, blond streaked, redish, and even bright orange in a bid to dye 1/2 my hair a different shade - it was meant to be copper! I had to go out to a friends hairdressers and she had to re-dye it, twice, to get it back to near normal! But I think I may have found one that I actually like!
I should go dry it and see how I feel then! Just don't want to go downstairs to get the dryer as I know hubby won't be impressed! I did warn him I was dying it, after the shock on his face and me saying I was just going a litte darker....well, might just give him a heart attack! I do have my son's approval though....Oh well, the new improved, lighter me likes it! (For now!)
I should go dry it and see how I feel then! Just don't want to go downstairs to get the dryer as I know hubby won't be impressed! I did warn him I was dying it, after the shock on his face and me saying I was just going a litte darker....well, might just give him a heart attack! I do have my son's approval though....Oh well, the new improved, lighter me likes it! (For now!)
Saturday 26 April 2008
One good day in ten....
That seems to be my lot.
Monday: What did I do Monday? Oh, arranged for tv repair man to come and look at the new plasma that has got a huge crack in the screen...duh, you can't repair that, it needs replacing! Company policy to send out a repair man 1st! Doh! I am sure it was damaged last Monday when they delivered it, meant to be a two man job to carry it, and one man was knocking on my door while the other got it out of the lorry and began to carry it! Hmmmmm.... Come Friday, went to check on the kids in bed, came back down to a blank screen and a humming noise...after calling samsung, they told me to contact kays, who would replace it as they have the guarantee. Called kays who can't do anything as it's the weekend!
Tuesday: Don't remember much apart from picking my son up from school early with a tummy bug, and going to the bank to try and sort out my finances...and feeling crap.
Wednesday: Can't remember, oh, yep, felt rubbish! Argued with the repair guy about the new tv being damaged, then with kays catalogue who said that it wasn't covered under the guarantee (5 days old!!!) and that they would bring it in for inspection....what was the repair guy for?! Until weigh in. But I only lost 0.5%, but did get my 10% wight loss keyring! Not as overjoyed as I was the week before when I thought I might have got it though.
Thursday: I seemed full of the joys of spring, felt good about myself for the first time in a long time, I had got my 10% weight loss, and was beginning to feel that I could do this! Got good comments on my weight loss, and took a pic on my phone to compare with my beginning pic, and could definitely tell I have lost weight on my chins!
Friday: can't even remember what happened Friday, just know I was no longer full of the joys of spring! Feeling rubbish again about money, why do we have to have money!?! Got cocked up again so waiting for new paperwork, checks, valuations etc etc.... ARGHHH! Oh, then got a text from my sister, saying mum and dad are at loggerheads again. She should just kick him out!!! Can you believe he had the nerve to say he loved her, but if she did kick him out he would go off with someone else, and she wouldn't get anyone else because she was too fat!!!! Makes me mad just typing it out, but my blood was boiling! If I ever see him again, I can't be held responsible for my actions!
Saturday: so far today, feeling a little better, got into my size 20 trousers and a skirt from next :) whoo whoo! 2 sizes down, 3 to go! LOL! Thinking of putting my nintendo ds lite and games onto ebay, and getting a nintendo wii for the wii fit! Think I will lose any weight? Hmmmmm fighting the urge to spurge! Going to take eldest to a party in half an hour and might go wander round the shops for a little retail therapy....well, I do need some new summer clothes, in a size 20!
Monday: What did I do Monday? Oh, arranged for tv repair man to come and look at the new plasma that has got a huge crack in the screen...duh, you can't repair that, it needs replacing! Company policy to send out a repair man 1st! Doh! I am sure it was damaged last Monday when they delivered it, meant to be a two man job to carry it, and one man was knocking on my door while the other got it out of the lorry and began to carry it! Hmmmmm.... Come Friday, went to check on the kids in bed, came back down to a blank screen and a humming noise...after calling samsung, they told me to contact kays, who would replace it as they have the guarantee. Called kays who can't do anything as it's the weekend!
Tuesday: Don't remember much apart from picking my son up from school early with a tummy bug, and going to the bank to try and sort out my finances...and feeling crap.
Wednesday: Can't remember, oh, yep, felt rubbish! Argued with the repair guy about the new tv being damaged, then with kays catalogue who said that it wasn't covered under the guarantee (5 days old!!!) and that they would bring it in for inspection....what was the repair guy for?! Until weigh in. But I only lost 0.5%, but did get my 10% wight loss keyring! Not as overjoyed as I was the week before when I thought I might have got it though.
Thursday: I seemed full of the joys of spring, felt good about myself for the first time in a long time, I had got my 10% weight loss, and was beginning to feel that I could do this! Got good comments on my weight loss, and took a pic on my phone to compare with my beginning pic, and could definitely tell I have lost weight on my chins!
Friday: can't even remember what happened Friday, just know I was no longer full of the joys of spring! Feeling rubbish again about money, why do we have to have money!?! Got cocked up again so waiting for new paperwork, checks, valuations etc etc.... ARGHHH! Oh, then got a text from my sister, saying mum and dad are at loggerheads again. She should just kick him out!!! Can you believe he had the nerve to say he loved her, but if she did kick him out he would go off with someone else, and she wouldn't get anyone else because she was too fat!!!! Makes me mad just typing it out, but my blood was boiling! If I ever see him again, I can't be held responsible for my actions!
Saturday: so far today, feeling a little better, got into my size 20 trousers and a skirt from next :) whoo whoo! 2 sizes down, 3 to go! LOL! Thinking of putting my nintendo ds lite and games onto ebay, and getting a nintendo wii for the wii fit! Think I will lose any weight? Hmmmmm fighting the urge to spurge! Going to take eldest to a party in half an hour and might go wander round the shops for a little retail therapy....well, I do need some new summer clothes, in a size 20!
Monday 7 April 2008
Feeling a little better this week....
After letting off some steam. Mum knows what he is, who he is, and still wants to make it work, so who am I to judge? Just have to be there for her....
Anyway, what has happened since I last posted....I gave myself 1st degree burns, which are healing nicely now (though itching like mad).
I am skint...I have £6 in my purse and £11 in my account... all my credit cards are maxed up, and we are still waiting to get a loan sorted, been told 8 days from today we should get the cheque....otherwise we are up the creek without a paddle as they say! Managed to do my weekly shop on a budget! Quite proud of myself! Did forget to get onions and potatoes though! Brain like a sieve!
Everyone is fine, meds still working, which reminds me I haven't picked them up from the chemist....again! Can't be bothered to go out today again, so will get them tomorrow.
Managed to do some scrapbooking again this week, one page! And it took me hours! Do feel quite proud of the result though :)
Only lost 1/2lb last week too, which annoyed me, but hoping to do better this week. Need to get motivated to do some exercise....have given vac throughout the house today, and tidied up a bit...and been around the supermarket...feel knackered now! Got to go make meatballs....
Anyway, what has happened since I last posted....I gave myself 1st degree burns, which are healing nicely now (though itching like mad).
I am skint...I have £6 in my purse and £11 in my account... all my credit cards are maxed up, and we are still waiting to get a loan sorted, been told 8 days from today we should get the cheque....otherwise we are up the creek without a paddle as they say! Managed to do my weekly shop on a budget! Quite proud of myself! Did forget to get onions and potatoes though! Brain like a sieve!
Everyone is fine, meds still working, which reminds me I haven't picked them up from the chemist....again! Can't be bothered to go out today again, so will get them tomorrow.
Managed to do some scrapbooking again this week, one page! And it took me hours! Do feel quite proud of the result though :)
Only lost 1/2lb last week too, which annoyed me, but hoping to do better this week. Need to get motivated to do some exercise....have given vac throughout the house today, and tidied up a bit...and been around the supermarket...feel knackered now! Got to go make meatballs....
Friday 28 March 2008
My Father is a ......
Bastard.
Lying, cheating, shitty bastard.
And I am just waiting for my mum to realise she can cope without him, despite 25+ years with him, he has had a secret life from her, cheated and lied to her, and she doesn't deserve to shut up and put up!
And I have gained 1lb!
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Off to calm down .....
Lying, cheating, shitty bastard.
And I am just waiting for my mum to realise she can cope without him, despite 25+ years with him, he has had a secret life from her, cheated and lied to her, and she doesn't deserve to shut up and put up!
And I have gained 1lb!
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Off to calm down .....
Tuesday 25 March 2008
Not pregnant....
After about a dozen tests I have finally let it go! Kept getting evaporation lines, so went out and bought one and it was a definite negative so I am now satisfied that I was A) Never pregnant in the 1st place, B) Had a chemical pregnancy that was never meant to be.
My father called last week to apologise to my husband...admitted he had made a mistake. Things inevitably got worse before getting better, Mum saying she believed my dad but didn't want it to effect our relationship (?!?!) and they were going to move home, I was seriously considering emigrating to New Zealand and even found my dream home! As it stands, that probably will never happen, they are staying put now, and we are waiting to hear if my hubby has a job back 'home'....should hear by the end of this week.....
I think I have, after all of this, accepted that if he doesn't get this one, then I should give up trying to get back home and just try and settle here....or New Zealand! ;)
On the weight front, I managed to lose 1/2 lb last week, (SHOCK, HORROR, AND DISBELIEF!) after eating all the wrong things and going about 50 points over! Think I will pay for it this week though.....will let you know.
My father called last week to apologise to my husband...admitted he had made a mistake. Things inevitably got worse before getting better, Mum saying she believed my dad but didn't want it to effect our relationship (?!?!) and they were going to move home, I was seriously considering emigrating to New Zealand and even found my dream home! As it stands, that probably will never happen, they are staying put now, and we are waiting to hear if my hubby has a job back 'home'....should hear by the end of this week.....
I think I have, after all of this, accepted that if he doesn't get this one, then I should give up trying to get back home and just try and settle here....or New Zealand! ;)
On the weight front, I managed to lose 1/2 lb last week, (SHOCK, HORROR, AND DISBELIEF!) after eating all the wrong things and going about 50 points over! Think I will pay for it this week though.....will let you know.
Monday 17 March 2008
I am living in a soap opera.....
These last 2 weeks have been one thing after another....
My grandma died a week Friday, peaceful at last. I went to be with my family, and coped very well, probably thanks to the old meds! I seemed quite hard even to myself at some points.
I have had a pregnancy scare last week, got a faint positive, but since then had a bleed and some spotting and 2 negative hpts. Still unsure as to what is going on there, so going to test, for the last time, on Thursday unless I have a proper bleed before then. I am on the pill so it is totally unexpected and quite a scare...
After the funeral, my father took my husband out for a drink, and then they came back for tea, after which my hubby said he needed to talk to me....Asked me if I trusted him and would believe him. He then informed me that my father had 'come out' to him and told him he knew his secret because he had 'had' him before he met me! Reeling, though not as much as I should (again, thanks meds) I slept on it, believed my hubby when he said it was definatly not him as he didn't go in for that sort of thing, and he must be mistaken. He has never, ever kept anything from me, I know all about his philandering ways before he met me, and the possible child out there of his, so I have no reason to believe he would lie.
One way or another, it has come out to my sister, then my mother and the rest of the immediate family. Shock, horror, disowning, etc etc is all going on...I spoke with my father on why he had brought my hubby into his web of deceit, he is convinced it was him, despite there being no lights on, and the fact that he said he was wearing the same glasses...(my hubby got them after I convinced him 80's style were soo not right for wedding pics!) Both myself and my mum have asked if he was so sure, why did he not say when we first met? He says he knew then. But he didn't want to break up his marriage.......
Not convinced. It has been going on for years, and stopped 6 years ago, according to him. Still don't know if I believe that....
So, do you think any soap opera would be interested? Or is reality too far fetched?!.......
Just hope I get a final -ive pregnancy test now........
My grandma died a week Friday, peaceful at last. I went to be with my family, and coped very well, probably thanks to the old meds! I seemed quite hard even to myself at some points.
I have had a pregnancy scare last week, got a faint positive, but since then had a bleed and some spotting and 2 negative hpts. Still unsure as to what is going on there, so going to test, for the last time, on Thursday unless I have a proper bleed before then. I am on the pill so it is totally unexpected and quite a scare...
After the funeral, my father took my husband out for a drink, and then they came back for tea, after which my hubby said he needed to talk to me....Asked me if I trusted him and would believe him. He then informed me that my father had 'come out' to him and told him he knew his secret because he had 'had' him before he met me! Reeling, though not as much as I should (again, thanks meds) I slept on it, believed my hubby when he said it was definatly not him as he didn't go in for that sort of thing, and he must be mistaken. He has never, ever kept anything from me, I know all about his philandering ways before he met me, and the possible child out there of his, so I have no reason to believe he would lie.
One way or another, it has come out to my sister, then my mother and the rest of the immediate family. Shock, horror, disowning, etc etc is all going on...I spoke with my father on why he had brought my hubby into his web of deceit, he is convinced it was him, despite there being no lights on, and the fact that he said he was wearing the same glasses...(my hubby got them after I convinced him 80's style were soo not right for wedding pics!) Both myself and my mum have asked if he was so sure, why did he not say when we first met? He says he knew then. But he didn't want to break up his marriage.......
Not convinced. It has been going on for years, and stopped 6 years ago, according to him. Still don't know if I believe that....
So, do you think any soap opera would be interested? Or is reality too far fetched?!.......
Just hope I get a final -ive pregnancy test now........
Tuesday 4 March 2008
Meds are wonderful things.....
Or are they?
These have been my thoughts for the past few nights anyway. Without them, I would be a total mess, a crumpled heap of a woman in despair and totally desolate. With them.... I am numb.... but alive.
SO, what do I do? Stick with them for the rest of my natural? This seems to be the way it is going...but then I will be numb for the rest of my life? Is it better to go through it coping with traumas because, 'heck, it doesn't really matter, get on with it', or go through life with major ups and downs...ups being ok, great even, but the downs....really down, contemplating a way out, down......
And yet again, I am way too late at going to bed....midnight. That doesn't help. I am sleeping when I shouldn't be sleeping and awake when I should be asleep! Will I ever get it right?!
And, just to add to my joy, I am expecting to have put on again this week! Well, following the past 6 weeks of being up one, down the next, I am consistent on that scale!!!!!
Night all x
These have been my thoughts for the past few nights anyway. Without them, I would be a total mess, a crumpled heap of a woman in despair and totally desolate. With them.... I am numb.... but alive.
SO, what do I do? Stick with them for the rest of my natural? This seems to be the way it is going...but then I will be numb for the rest of my life? Is it better to go through it coping with traumas because, 'heck, it doesn't really matter, get on with it', or go through life with major ups and downs...ups being ok, great even, but the downs....really down, contemplating a way out, down......
And yet again, I am way too late at going to bed....midnight. That doesn't help. I am sleeping when I shouldn't be sleeping and awake when I should be asleep! Will I ever get it right?!
And, just to add to my joy, I am expecting to have put on again this week! Well, following the past 6 weeks of being up one, down the next, I am consistent on that scale!!!!!
Night all x
Saturday 1 March 2008
Mini Celebration!
Well, my weigh-in went better than expected! I lost 3.5lb! YAY! I am now down into the 15's!
Apart from that the week went from bad to really bad :(
Rumours of an affair flew around and got me all in abother pickle right mess! Sorted it now, know it isn't truth, it's a ploy at revenge, but it didn't help matters for a while ....
Short and sweet for now....got things to do....
Apart from that the week went from bad to really bad :(
Rumours of an affair flew around and got me all in a
Short and sweet for now....got things to do....
Tuesday 26 February 2008
Well it didn't work.....
I am still undecided! I did try, got myself going one direction, then something happened and I changed my mind to go another direction...then changed again...! So I am still stuck with no idea. Ok, I have some ideas, but they don't match, so it's a case of pick one or the other, and I am struggling with them........
Do I stay, or do I go?
Benefits of staying v's benefits of going....?
Why is it all so hard? Why did he do it? Why has it got so bad and out of control?
To many 'Why's'......
Grandma is still hanging on in there, bless her. My family is moving house, another dilemma! They rent ours at the mo, but that can't go on with the situation as it is... more hassle :(
Sometimes I wish I could just curl up in a ball and sleep my life away....
Not very good or decisive but there you have it!
Weigh-in tomorrow night, and after putting on 1/2 lb last week I am hoping to have lost this week, though it is doubtful after going out for tapas on Sunday! Pigging out to try and ease the indecision's isn't helping either!
Oh well, here's to more thinking and deliberating and procrastinating......
Do I stay, or do I go?
Benefits of staying v's benefits of going....?
Why is it all so hard? Why did he do it? Why has it got so bad and out of control?
To many 'Why's'......
Grandma is still hanging on in there, bless her. My family is moving house, another dilemma! They rent ours at the mo, but that can't go on with the situation as it is... more hassle :(
Sometimes I wish I could just curl up in a ball and sleep my life away....
Not very good or decisive but there you have it!
Weigh-in tomorrow night, and after putting on 1/2 lb last week I am hoping to have lost this week, though it is doubtful after going out for tapas on Sunday! Pigging out to try and ease the indecision's isn't helping either!
Oh well, here's to more thinking and deliberating and procrastinating......
Monday 18 February 2008
So much for not waiting too long....!
It's been over a week this time since my last blog! Blaming the school holidays, too many distractions!
My period arrived today, so my moodhas should improve.... at least my other half hopes so! Apparently I am a nightmare to live with with my moods and temprement.... I don't think I am, I know I have off days but not so as to be a nightmare...or am I kidding myself?
Feeling a little let down, in general. Angry, at myself. Angry at him. Sad and emotional. Tired...always seem tired though! Still confused and waiting for direction. Another wait...all I seem to do is wait....maybe I need to get off my butt and take definitive action...starting tomorrow I will be more decisive...!
(I'll let you know how I get on!)
My period arrived today, so my mood
Feeling a little let down, in general. Angry, at myself. Angry at him. Sad and emotional. Tired...always seem tired though! Still confused and waiting for direction. Another wait...all I seem to do is wait....maybe I need to get off my butt and take definitive action...starting tomorrow I will be more decisive...!
(I'll let you know how I get on!)
Saturday 9 February 2008
Life is like that....
Some times we have lots of time, sometimes we don't....seems like I don't right now.
My Grandma has been diagnosed with womb cancer now. It is just a matter of time....again. I wish she would just fall asleep and never wake up in pain again. My mum has had something confirmed as being wrong, (can't remember the name for it now!) and had a stomach lining infection. She is out and about again.
Had my routine smear test this week....not very plessant. I know it's not at the best of times, but somehow it seemed worse this time round. And now I have to wait 8 weeks for the results...another waiting game.
Life seems full of them!
I have done some crying today, was ill yesterday, and the day before that my 'wonderful desease' decided it hadn't paid a visit for a while so made itself known... Maybe that's why I feel so rough and depressed! Found out I had dropped my meds dose too soon, I should have stayed on the 20mg for another 2 months before dropping to 10mg! Thanks Doc! So back upto 20mg and waiting/praying for the kick-in....
Will try not to leave it so long between posts, getting it out helps....
My Grandma has been diagnosed with womb cancer now. It is just a matter of time....again. I wish she would just fall asleep and never wake up in pain again. My mum has had something confirmed as being wrong, (can't remember the name for it now!) and had a stomach lining infection. She is out and about again.
Had my routine smear test this week....not very plessant. I know it's not at the best of times, but somehow it seemed worse this time round. And now I have to wait 8 weeks for the results...another waiting game.
Life seems full of them!
I have done some crying today, was ill yesterday, and the day before that my 'wonderful desease' decided it hadn't paid a visit for a while so made itself known... Maybe that's why I feel so rough and depressed! Found out I had dropped my meds dose too soon, I should have stayed on the 20mg for another 2 months before dropping to 10mg! Thanks Doc! So back upto 20mg and waiting/praying for the kick-in....
Will try not to leave it so long between posts, getting it out helps....
Thursday 31 January 2008
Yet again it has been a week....
since my last post! How lapse am I! I lost 1.5lb last week, and 1lb this week, so I have now lost my 1st stone! Got my little plastic pebble they give you each time you lose a stone...you get a 'stone'! Nice idea! Don't know what I am going to do with it though!
I am still in quandry with my life. Lots has been happening outside of my problems, which has helped me not to think about mine, or should that be hindered? When I finally got around to thinking about things yesterday I ended up in a heap of tears on the back hall floor. I wanted it to just all go away...but it won't....can't. It has to be faced and dealt with, and unfortunatly it is going to take time...lots of time, and patience.
My brother's wife had their 1st child...a boy, my Grandma is coming to the end of her life with one stroke after another, and my mum is in hospital having different investigative tests for what we are starting to think is phsycosamatic (sp?!) pains in her chest. Don't get me wrong, she has been through cancer and now has epilepsy and diabetes and 101 other things she takes meds for, but it is getting to be a habbit. I hope they find out what is wrong, if there is, or look at getting her some councilling.
Anyway, must go and attempt some normality for a few more hours....
I am still in quandry with my life. Lots has been happening outside of my problems, which has helped me not to think about mine, or should that be hindered? When I finally got around to thinking about things yesterday I ended up in a heap of tears on the back hall floor. I wanted it to just all go away...but it won't....can't. It has to be faced and dealt with, and unfortunatly it is going to take time...lots of time, and patience.
My brother's wife had their 1st child...a boy, my Grandma is coming to the end of her life with one stroke after another, and my mum is in hospital having different investigative tests for what we are starting to think is phsycosamatic (sp?!) pains in her chest. Don't get me wrong, she has been through cancer and now has epilepsy and diabetes and 101 other things she takes meds for, but it is getting to be a habbit. I hope they find out what is wrong, if there is, or look at getting her some councilling.
Anyway, must go and attempt some normality for a few more hours....
Wednesday 23 January 2008
Busy busy busy....
Well, my weigh-in wasn't so bad...I had lost 2lb. And it's time for another one tonight! Think I have done very well this week...tried to stay away from the scales, but did hop on last night - 16st 2lb! So we shall see! This will mean my 1st stone loss! HURRAH! Apparently it is the easiest....
Had a rough week. Not up to talking or even blogging about it yet...still got a lot to decide. Suffice to say my marriage may be over. Great for the weight loss, not so great on my mental health!!
After blogging about my bad memory, I only went and left a candle burning in our bedroom for 6 hours +! Thankfully I didn't burn the house down...but I won't be doing that again!
Well, going to get ready to get my results, and sort out some tea...getting hungry and it's only 4.30!
Had a rough week. Not up to talking or even blogging about it yet...still got a lot to decide. Suffice to say my marriage may be over. Great for the weight loss, not so great on my mental health!!
After blogging about my bad memory, I only went and left a candle burning in our bedroom for 6 hours +! Thankfully I didn't burn the house down...but I won't be doing that again!
Well, going to get ready to get my results, and sort out some tea...getting hungry and it's only 4.30!
Wednesday 16 January 2008
Feeling blue...
Was feeling abit blue yesterday...a bit 'I can't be bothered with anything' blue. Made myself go shopping and do the mountain that was my ironing...now there's a story!
I got all set up, put the iron on and filled the steam bank with water, came upstairs to get the coat hangers and let it warm up. Stopped to check my emails, then did a little surfing on the Weight watchers site, tracked my points and suddenly remembered...I have left the iron on!!! Dash downstairs to find it had be switched onto steam so all the water was now gone! Would have been in a bit of a state if I had left it longer! I tell you, memory loss!
Driving is bad too, start of ok, but my concentration is not what it used to be. I find I am half way to my destination and can't remember getting there...! I will be glad when I am off the meds and can be 'normal' again!
Off for my weigh-in tonight...not looking forward to it. Don't think I am going to have lost much if any. May just be as I am in a stupid negative mood...I don't know, or maybe that I weighed myself midweek and was down to 16st 3.5lb, only 1/2 lb off loosing my 1st stone, but yesterday was 16st 6lb...Oh well, we will see.
Off to feed the kids...
I got all set up, put the iron on and filled the steam bank with water, came upstairs to get the coat hangers and let it warm up. Stopped to check my emails, then did a little surfing on the Weight watchers site, tracked my points and suddenly remembered...I have left the iron on!!! Dash downstairs to find it had be switched onto steam so all the water was now gone! Would have been in a bit of a state if I had left it longer! I tell you, memory loss!
Driving is bad too, start of ok, but my concentration is not what it used to be. I find I am half way to my destination and can't remember getting there...! I will be glad when I am off the meds and can be 'normal' again!
Off for my weigh-in tonight...not looking forward to it. Don't think I am going to have lost much if any. May just be as I am in a stupid negative mood...I don't know, or maybe that I weighed myself midweek and was down to 16st 3.5lb, only 1/2 lb off loosing my 1st stone, but yesterday was 16st 6lb...Oh well, we will see.
Off to feed the kids...
Monday 14 January 2008
Memory loss
Well, I made the appointment to see the doctor last week, after deciding sooner rather than later would be better to get this sorted. It only took 3 days to remember to call too! So I have decreased my mg to 20 for this month then 10mg for next month, and then the final week, one every other day...and I will be med free!
And every time I remember this blog...and decide I should post soon, I go on to forget again! My baby had to go see about getting a new pot on as the other was cutting into the back of her leg, and we got the appointment to see the bone specialist this week...I had convinced myself it was today she was getting out of the pot...but it turns out it is tomorrow! If I hadn't mentioned it to by oh last night, I would have been getting ready to go and wasting £2 in the parking meter!
And as I am typing this, I can't remember, even though I just read it, if I have already said about her needing a new pot!! Roll on April!
My oh is going for the snip on Saturday, so 3 months down the line I won't (hopefully) be on the pill anymore either! Totally pill free! Apart from starting on the magnesium to stop the pmt migraines!Will If I remember I'll let you all know how it goes!
And every time I remember this blog...and decide I should post soon, I go on to forget again! My baby had to go see about getting a new pot on as the other was cutting into the back of her leg, and we got the appointment to see the bone specialist this week...I had convinced myself it was today she was getting out of the pot...but it turns out it is tomorrow! If I hadn't mentioned it to by oh last night, I would have been getting ready to go and wasting £2 in the parking meter!
And as I am typing this, I can't remember, even though I just read it, if I have already said about her needing a new pot!! Roll on April!
My oh is going for the snip on Saturday, so 3 months down the line I won't (hopefully) be on the pill anymore either! Totally pill free! Apart from starting on the magnesium to stop the pmt migraines!
Friday 4 January 2008
Meds and Memory
I have decided that I really need to see about coming off my anti-d's. I think I have got to the stage now where I am feeling a lot better in myself, more able to cope, and I feel that they are effecting my thoughts and decision making.
For example, when my little girl had her 'drop' I just held her and soother her while she cried, checked briefly for any bruises and bumps on her head, and carried on. Last time she was 'dropped', after the bump/bruise checks, I stood her up to check her legs and that she could hold her head up! That is what you are supposed to do after all. So why not do it this time? - Bad memory affected by my pills... And when my husband was writhing in pain the other night, all I could say was 'if you are going to be sick can you go to the bathroom' as I would be the one left to clean the mess! And as he moaned and groaned in bed, I just wanted him to shut up so I could sleep! How bad is that! I would normally be all over him, making him comfortable or taking him to A&E! Again, strike of the meds, dulling my senses and feelings.
So I am going to see the doc when I am due my next batch, in about 3 weeks, to see about de-creasing and coming off...I want to be me again, whatever 'me' is...
For example, when my little girl had her 'drop' I just held her and soother her while she cried, checked briefly for any bruises and bumps on her head, and carried on. Last time she was 'dropped', after the bump/bruise checks, I stood her up to check her legs and that she could hold her head up! That is what you are supposed to do after all. So why not do it this time? - Bad memory affected by my pills... And when my husband was writhing in pain the other night, all I could say was 'if you are going to be sick can you go to the bathroom' as I would be the one left to clean the mess! And as he moaned and groaned in bed, I just wanted him to shut up so I could sleep! How bad is that! I would normally be all over him, making him comfortable or taking him to A&E! Again, strike of the meds, dulling my senses and feelings.
So I am going to see the doc when I am due my next batch, in about 3 weeks, to see about de-creasing and coming off...I want to be me again, whatever 'me' is...
Thursday 3 January 2008
It never rains....
but it pours.
Visiting family over the holidays, my eldest was sick for 3 days, and had diorrea, and on the night we all went out for a family meal, my mum had an accident, tripped up a step and dropped my 1yr old! Thinking she was fine, I took her home and put her to bed, she slept for about an hour then woke and would not settle.
Finally I realised there was something wrong with her leg, so took her to A&E at midnight...examinations, and an xray later, we find she has a broken leg :( finally get a 'back slab' on after giving her morphine and paracetamol and we make it to the children's ward at 5am, when she is wide awake and wants to play!!! Goes to sleep at 6am, and by 10am my other half comes to relive me so I can go get some sleep, as we were told it would be anytime from 1 - 4 pm before she got a pot on and was released, after seeing a pediatrician, due to it being the 2nd time in 7 months she has been into hospital. The 1st time was when I was carrying her at a hotel, down a corridor to breakfast, and some silly idiot thought it would be a good idea to have 2 steps in the middle of a corridor! I went flying, badly sprained my ankle, but thankfully she was ok. She was not so fortunate this time! They were home at 1pm, after getting a pot on at 11.3o and the pediatrician saying there were no worries! So she is dragging her pot very well, her teeth seem to be causing more bother!
Then last night, my other half began writhing in pain at midnight, but refused to go to hospital, saying it would be ok. Still in pain this morning and is due to see the doc any minute. Thinking gallstones or kidney infection....
So it is just me that is well so far! And after two weeks I have managed to loose 3.5lb! Total loss now 9.5lb! Woo hoo! Bought my slim-into dress in the sales, vibrant red! Hung it where I can see it to keep me focused!
Gotta go, baby crying.....
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