Don't know what it is...
Just wonder if this is how I will feel forever now. Grumpy, tired, fed up, hormonal, one minute emotional, next there is nothing there.
Hubby did his 'specimen' today to see if the chop worked...here's hoping then I can get off the pill and get back to routine and maybe that will help stabilise the hormones!
Well, not much else to report, pretty boring week. Done some scrapbooking, catching up on last years holiday! Still got loads to do, it's just getting the time to do it, and feeling the inspiration when I have the time instead of being too tired to be creative. May do some this afternoon when little miss has a nap...
Need to go shopping...fridge is almost bare, and I have nothing in for tea...
Monday, 6 October 2008
Thursday, 25 September 2008
2%
Yep, I was wrong.
Why does my crazy brain get a fleeting crazy notion, and decide to run with it, make me go insane thinking about all the possibilities, and take me a week to ask about it? Why? hubby is right, I am insane! And I really need to get my head sorted and not go off at tangents, and learn to speak up!
It's mad, sometimes I am the bravest, speak my mind woman, then others I daren't say boo to a goose. Hormones have a say in what kind of woman I am, brave or scared. Hubby needs to get his swimmers, or hopefully lack of them, checked and I can get of this darn stupid pill and get back to routine, and then hopefully manage my moods, migraines and everything else that comes along...
Hubby is off in France for a couple of days, another freebie, tasting great food and drinking fine wine, touring 101 places in 48 hours! I don't mind, but he worries that I am left on my own with the kids for 3 days! I don't know why he worries, I mean, 2 kids, 3 days, no help, not a problem. It's not like I am a single mum, or have a husband who works away for months on end. And I am kind of used to doing most things by myself anyway, as he works so many hours. It's no big deal. Just wish he wouldn't worry and feel guilty for getting a break!
Nothing much else is happening...except I am now back to my pre-pregnancy weight! Only taken me 21 months, though I did only start in November last year, so really it's 1o months...not bad considering they say it takes you 9 months to gain it so don't expect to loose it any quicker. Now it's down to the serious, proper weight loss! I WILL be a size 16 again...and go on to maybe a 14 or even a 12! To think when I started I worked out in my naivety that I would be a 16 by this summer...gone, and I am only now a 20/18 in some clothes...I think it is going to take me a lot longer than I thought! Going on it taking me 10 months to loose 2 1/2 stone, and I still have just under 5 to loose, I think I am looking at summer 2010....
Why does my crazy brain get a fleeting crazy notion, and decide to run with it, make me go insane thinking about all the possibilities, and take me a week to ask about it? Why? hubby is right, I am insane! And I really need to get my head sorted and not go off at tangents, and learn to speak up!
It's mad, sometimes I am the bravest, speak my mind woman, then others I daren't say boo to a goose. Hormones have a say in what kind of woman I am, brave or scared. Hubby needs to get his swimmers, or hopefully lack of them, checked and I can get of this darn stupid pill and get back to routine, and then hopefully manage my moods, migraines and everything else that comes along...
Hubby is off in France for a couple of days, another freebie, tasting great food and drinking fine wine, touring 101 places in 48 hours! I don't mind, but he worries that I am left on my own with the kids for 3 days! I don't know why he worries, I mean, 2 kids, 3 days, no help, not a problem. It's not like I am a single mum, or have a husband who works away for months on end. And I am kind of used to doing most things by myself anyway, as he works so many hours. It's no big deal. Just wish he wouldn't worry and feel guilty for getting a break!
Nothing much else is happening...except I am now back to my pre-pregnancy weight! Only taken me 21 months, though I did only start in November last year, so really it's 1o months...not bad considering they say it takes you 9 months to gain it so don't expect to loose it any quicker. Now it's down to the serious, proper weight loss! I WILL be a size 16 again...and go on to maybe a 14 or even a 12! To think when I started I worked out in my naivety that I would be a 16 by this summer...gone, and I am only now a 20/18 in some clothes...I think it is going to take me a lot longer than I thought! Going on it taking me 10 months to loose 2 1/2 stone, and I still have just under 5 to loose, I think I am looking at summer 2010....
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Another essay!
I really shouldn't leave it so long beteen posts!
The fridge freezer got fixed, it was water on the electrics, that we had to dry out by disconnecting the earth wire, plugging it in for 24 hours to dry it out, and reconnect the wire. YAY....nope. The fridge is freezing the food....arggggggghhhhh! So, after 3 emails to the guy, and contacting whirlpool to arrange an engineer after no response, we get a response! I do a bit of diy with his directions, and we find out it is the vent from the freezer that lets the cold air into the fridge, it has got condensation on the electrics and isn't closing...so he is sending the part and hubby is going to fit it in today, with instructions via telephone! Hay hum, here's hoping that's the end of our fridge freezer troubles! Which reminds me, I must cancel the engineer...
The problem of who to move into our flat has been sorted, my sister and brother-in-law want to move back! We have agreed to forgo the first months rent so they can re-carpet (or rather put laminate down) the front room, decorate and generally spruce it up and they move in next month in half term.
Mum is going off the rails slightly, a bit worried about her. But then, just feel too numb/unable to help. :(
It was our 7th wedding anniversary on Monday. Normally I am so excited, but I couldn't get excited. Don't know why, or do I? I don't know if I am getting more depressed, or what. I don't want to do anything again. I wish I could get a killer disease...that is my latest thought. Not good eh? Do I go back and see about another tablet increase? I don't know if I can be bothered.
I just want to sleep a lot.
I saw my sons teacher yesterday, after they sent him home with spellings...he doesn't even know his whole alphabet yet! She was really nice, said she is aware and monitoring the situation, that everyone got spellings, but they know how things lay at the moment. I mentioned the dyslexia again, and she seems to agree, though they are waiting to half term, and if there is no improvement, will look at where we go from here. Difficult when he is only 5 and a half. Hubby just puts it down to him being lazy. It really upsets me and him I think. I don't want him to be labeled that way, his teacher says he has a wonderful imagination, and his drawings are excellent...all indications of dyslexia. I just hope hubby accepts it if it is that, and if he is lazy, I can accept that too.
I think hubby lied to me at the weekend. I am 98% certain of it. It's not a major lie. But it is effecting me. I want to confront the situation, but I could still be wrong - 2%. And it would be an argument I don't know if I could handle right now. I wanted to raise it since, but there hasn't been a time to. Our Anniversary meal, at home with the kids who refused to sleep that night, as they do most nights really, was a shambles. I cooked a meal, lit candles, set the table, put a music channel on....Hubby gets home just after 8pm, kids come downstairs ' daddy daddy!' and bang goes any chance of talking. Go into the kitchen to cook the dinner and he changed the tv to a film...So after getting the kids into bed half way through our meal, he was engrossed in it whilst eating... I just gave in there and then. After pudding, I took little one to bed, as she had come back down stairs, and got into bed with her to get her off to sleep. Went downstairs and he was falling asleep, so we came to bed.
Well, think that is all. Weight loss is going very slowly, 1/2 lb a week, and I put on 1lb this week. Still, have lost 2 1/2 stone since November last year. I will stick to it....
The fridge freezer got fixed, it was water on the electrics, that we had to dry out by disconnecting the earth wire, plugging it in for 24 hours to dry it out, and reconnect the wire. YAY....nope. The fridge is freezing the food....arggggggghhhhh! So, after 3 emails to the guy, and contacting whirlpool to arrange an engineer after no response, we get a response! I do a bit of diy with his directions, and we find out it is the vent from the freezer that lets the cold air into the fridge, it has got condensation on the electrics and isn't closing...so he is sending the part and hubby is going to fit it in today, with instructions via telephone! Hay hum, here's hoping that's the end of our fridge freezer troubles! Which reminds me, I must cancel the engineer...
The problem of who to move into our flat has been sorted, my sister and brother-in-law want to move back! We have agreed to forgo the first months rent so they can re-carpet (or rather put laminate down) the front room, decorate and generally spruce it up and they move in next month in half term.
Mum is going off the rails slightly, a bit worried about her. But then, just feel too numb/unable to help. :(
It was our 7th wedding anniversary on Monday. Normally I am so excited, but I couldn't get excited. Don't know why, or do I? I don't know if I am getting more depressed, or what. I don't want to do anything again. I wish I could get a killer disease...that is my latest thought. Not good eh? Do I go back and see about another tablet increase? I don't know if I can be bothered.
I just want to sleep a lot.
I saw my sons teacher yesterday, after they sent him home with spellings...he doesn't even know his whole alphabet yet! She was really nice, said she is aware and monitoring the situation, that everyone got spellings, but they know how things lay at the moment. I mentioned the dyslexia again, and she seems to agree, though they are waiting to half term, and if there is no improvement, will look at where we go from here. Difficult when he is only 5 and a half. Hubby just puts it down to him being lazy. It really upsets me and him I think. I don't want him to be labeled that way, his teacher says he has a wonderful imagination, and his drawings are excellent...all indications of dyslexia. I just hope hubby accepts it if it is that, and if he is lazy, I can accept that too.
I think hubby lied to me at the weekend. I am 98% certain of it. It's not a major lie. But it is effecting me. I want to confront the situation, but I could still be wrong - 2%. And it would be an argument I don't know if I could handle right now. I wanted to raise it since, but there hasn't been a time to. Our Anniversary meal, at home with the kids who refused to sleep that night, as they do most nights really, was a shambles. I cooked a meal, lit candles, set the table, put a music channel on....Hubby gets home just after 8pm, kids come downstairs ' daddy daddy!' and bang goes any chance of talking. Go into the kitchen to cook the dinner and he changed the tv to a film...So after getting the kids into bed half way through our meal, he was engrossed in it whilst eating... I just gave in there and then. After pudding, I took little one to bed, as she had come back down stairs, and got into bed with her to get her off to sleep. Went downstairs and he was falling asleep, so we came to bed.
Well, think that is all. Weight loss is going very slowly, 1/2 lb a week, and I put on 1lb this week. Still, have lost 2 1/2 stone since November last year. I will stick to it....
Saturday, 6 September 2008
Not much to report
All quiet on the western front....until I get started!
Mum came down for just over a week last week, which was nice. We sort of skirted the issues, a bit like the huge white elephant in the room no one wants to bring up. She was all lovey dovey on the phone, which made me a bit sick, but then thought, they have got 35+ years together so I suppose they can just sweep things under the carpet that easily.
They have decided to move out of our flat and into my grandads/now dads flat. So they have given me notice... don't know what we are going to do there yet. Hubby has a 2nd interview down south, so we might be moving further away! So just leaving it for now until we know which way we are going.
Bought a new fridge freezer of ebay, one of those 'without packaging, graded, in full working order but may have a scratch/dent here and there' companies. Great bargain, paid £33o + delivery for a £1100 American style fridge freezer! It arrived yesterday, on a pallet, so they couldn't get it through the gate. Hubby came home at lunch time and there was a builder next door doing some work he knows so he helped him maneuver it around the back of the house and in through the back door...after removing the fridge handles, fascia and the back door!!! It won't fit through the inner door into the room we were going to plumb it into, so it is in the back hall, on wheels as there is a small step in the way when you need to open the doors! Anyway, after getting it all sorted, find there are no instructions, so went on the Whirlpool web site, downloaded them and it said to leave it for 2hours before plugging in.
So, come 7pm, we plug it in....BANG! All lights/appliances/plugs fuse off. GREAT! Try a different plug to be sure...BANG. Hubby thinks it could be because they caught the wire under the fridge when lifting it off the pallet...so we cut the cable where he thinks it was, and re-wire a plug to it.... try again...BANG! Not that then! SO, check back with the ebay suppliers, and there policy is that we can return it (at our expense - and it cost £80 delivery!) and they will fix it, or call out an engineer and they will pay for any parts, but not engineer! Not looking good...
I have emailed the guy this morning, asking where we go from here, and see what they come back with. I said I would rather not send it back as it took such an effort to get the damn thing in, and would prefer to get it seen to here....so we are waiting to see the response!
Kids are back to school too ... YAY! He has been in trouble already though and had time out on Friday for pinching! Then there was a note saying they are getting spellings sent home next Friday...WHAT?! He is still struggling with his alphabet?! Think I am going to have to go see his teacher on Tuesday night and see where we go from here. I think he is dyslexic, though they don't test for it until 7 years, so only a year and a half to wait! He is getting a bit defiant too, and not listening to what we tell him, don't know if that is just him or linked to dyslexia? Anyway, he is meant to be tidying his room, it's been over an hour now... given him his last warning that if I have to tell him again to tidy it (he stops and starts) then there will be no going out for pizza tonight! Must go check on the process!
Mum came down for just over a week last week, which was nice. We sort of skirted the issues, a bit like the huge white elephant in the room no one wants to bring up. She was all lovey dovey on the phone, which made me a bit sick, but then thought, they have got 35+ years together so I suppose they can just sweep things under the carpet that easily.
They have decided to move out of our flat and into my grandads/now dads flat. So they have given me notice... don't know what we are going to do there yet. Hubby has a 2nd interview down south, so we might be moving further away! So just leaving it for now until we know which way we are going.
Bought a new fridge freezer of ebay, one of those 'without packaging, graded, in full working order but may have a scratch/dent here and there' companies. Great bargain, paid £33o + delivery for a £1100 American style fridge freezer! It arrived yesterday, on a pallet, so they couldn't get it through the gate. Hubby came home at lunch time and there was a builder next door doing some work he knows so he helped him maneuver it around the back of the house and in through the back door...after removing the fridge handles, fascia and the back door!!! It won't fit through the inner door into the room we were going to plumb it into, so it is in the back hall, on wheels as there is a small step in the way when you need to open the doors! Anyway, after getting it all sorted, find there are no instructions, so went on the Whirlpool web site, downloaded them and it said to leave it for 2hours before plugging in.
So, come 7pm, we plug it in....BANG! All lights/appliances/plugs fuse off. GREAT! Try a different plug to be sure...BANG. Hubby thinks it could be because they caught the wire under the fridge when lifting it off the pallet...so we cut the cable where he thinks it was, and re-wire a plug to it.... try again...BANG! Not that then! SO, check back with the ebay suppliers, and there policy is that we can return it (at our expense - and it cost £80 delivery!) and they will fix it, or call out an engineer and they will pay for any parts, but not engineer! Not looking good...
I have emailed the guy this morning, asking where we go from here, and see what they come back with. I said I would rather not send it back as it took such an effort to get the damn thing in, and would prefer to get it seen to here....so we are waiting to see the response!
Kids are back to school too ... YAY! He has been in trouble already though and had time out on Friday for pinching! Then there was a note saying they are getting spellings sent home next Friday...WHAT?! He is still struggling with his alphabet?! Think I am going to have to go see his teacher on Tuesday night and see where we go from here. I think he is dyslexic, though they don't test for it until 7 years, so only a year and a half to wait! He is getting a bit defiant too, and not listening to what we tell him, don't know if that is just him or linked to dyslexia? Anyway, he is meant to be tidying his room, it's been over an hour now... given him his last warning that if I have to tell him again to tidy it (he stops and starts) then there will be no going out for pizza tonight! Must go check on the process!
Friday, 22 August 2008
A month!
I can't believe it's been nearly a month since I last blogged! Well, I can, I have been too busy with the school holidays, and too tired to be bothered! The last 3 weeks have been pretty up and down, but mainly down. I don't know what has been wrong, just can't seem to shake off the cloud. I think things might be picking up again though... Maybe just took so long for the increased meds to kick in? On stupid cerazette pill too so don't get a regular period, if any, but still have the pmt at random times, and it takes me the week to figure out that is why I feel so crap!
Suffered with a migraine a couple of weeks back for nearly 4 days, so wasn't good, then broke out in spots the week after, then had a headache (stress head!) for 2/3 days after that! No wonder I feel crap! My boobs have been killing too this last week, and after asking my sister do they do that when you ovulate, are due on, or what!? she said are you pregnant?! Since hubby had the chop 2 months back, and I am still on the pill until we get the all clear on that front, I said no, no way! But then when I didn't get any period, and I usually get a little spotting if nothing else, I began to worry! So got a cheap hpt and did it the next day... -ive! PHEW! I know there is no way I could be, but then I still go out and get a hpt to make sure! Am I mad?!
Anyway, we have finally got a loan sorted, just waiting on the cheque clearing...then we can pay of a few debts and relax for a few more months! The kids are doing ok, doing our heads in some times, especially with the added pmt, but they are stars really! Been to the park the last two days, off again today, if the weather stays nice, then a walk to the station to pick up mum who is coming to stay for 10 days. On the mum front, she is back with my dad, or rather he has moved back into the flat, they are going to rent out my grandads. I just said alright when she told me, and she misheard and thought I said 'why?!' and so went a bit defensive, until I said I only said 'alright'. She knows my opinion, so I don't need to tell her again. She has to make her own decisions, just as I make mine. Just have to be there for her. My other siblings don't seem to be. I think they have had enough...and who can blame them. They live so close so get it all, then when she goes off for a while and sends an email saying 'glad you aren't here' to them, I would be a bit peeved too!
Have given up on the counselling. I know what I need to do, so there was no point to carrying on really. It was good to vent I suppose, and know that I was going in the right direction. Resigned myself to staying on meds for quite a while longer. It's been over a year, nearly a year and a half. Maybe I will be on them for the rest of my life? Anyway, they are working, so why give up on them...
Suffered with a migraine a couple of weeks back for nearly 4 days, so wasn't good, then broke out in spots the week after, then had a headache (stress head!) for 2/3 days after that! No wonder I feel crap! My boobs have been killing too this last week, and after asking my sister do they do that when you ovulate, are due on, or what!? she said are you pregnant?! Since hubby had the chop 2 months back, and I am still on the pill until we get the all clear on that front, I said no, no way! But then when I didn't get any period, and I usually get a little spotting if nothing else, I began to worry! So got a cheap hpt and did it the next day... -ive! PHEW! I know there is no way I could be, but then I still go out and get a hpt to make sure! Am I mad?!
Anyway, we have finally got a loan sorted, just waiting on the cheque clearing...then we can pay of a few debts and relax for a few more months! The kids are doing ok, doing our heads in some times, especially with the added pmt, but they are stars really! Been to the park the last two days, off again today, if the weather stays nice, then a walk to the station to pick up mum who is coming to stay for 10 days. On the mum front, she is back with my dad, or rather he has moved back into the flat, they are going to rent out my grandads. I just said alright when she told me, and she misheard and thought I said 'why?!' and so went a bit defensive, until I said I only said 'alright'. She knows my opinion, so I don't need to tell her again. She has to make her own decisions, just as I make mine. Just have to be there for her. My other siblings don't seem to be. I think they have had enough...and who can blame them. They live so close so get it all, then when she goes off for a while and sends an email saying 'glad you aren't here' to them, I would be a bit peeved too!
Have given up on the counselling. I know what I need to do, so there was no point to carrying on really. It was good to vent I suppose, and know that I was going in the right direction. Resigned myself to staying on meds for quite a while longer. It's been over a year, nearly a year and a half. Maybe I will be on them for the rest of my life? Anyway, they are working, so why give up on them...
Friday, 25 July 2008
And now for somthing totally different.....
The school holidays began on Wednesday, only on my 3rd day....only 38 more to go! So far so good! Mind you, hubby is off for two weeks so the last two mornings he has got up and sorted them out with breakfast etc while I got a lie in! Am I fortunate or what?! Really must pull my weight though and start getting up early. Off to go get a pool later for the kids as last years has a hole in it and a rip down the side! They are down in the garden bouncing on a mini bouncy castle ring at the moment, though I think the red dye is coming off and going all over the kids! Oh well, it's all part of the fun!
I have increased my meds again, taking 2 10mg tablets until I get to see the doc sometime next week and make sure it is ok to up them again. 10mg just wasn't working. I was going downhill again and just wondered why I was trying to get off them when I clearly was a train wreak without them. Ok, so I am no saint on them, still have my moments, and they do take away a lot of stuff, go round in a bit of a haze sometimes, but that has got to be better than struggling to get out of bed and do anything at all and feeling what is the point of it all?
Seeing my councillor now, had 2 sessions, got another one next Wednesday. So far so good. feel a little stupid sometimes, as it seems that I know what I need to be doing to feel better in myself, just doing it that is a problem! And when she asks questions, I seem to go blank, my memory is sooo bad! I got a little upset last session, feeling a little worthless, which came across quite stupid as I was saying how I seemed void of all emotion! We have some great kids, and I just feel everyone says you are doing a great job, but I don't think I am, or could be, if that makes sense?
Anyway, speaking of doing a great job, I really should get them dressed and sort out some lunch!
I have increased my meds again, taking 2 10mg tablets until I get to see the doc sometime next week and make sure it is ok to up them again. 10mg just wasn't working. I was going downhill again and just wondered why I was trying to get off them when I clearly was a train wreak without them. Ok, so I am no saint on them, still have my moments, and they do take away a lot of stuff, go round in a bit of a haze sometimes, but that has got to be better than struggling to get out of bed and do anything at all and feeling what is the point of it all?
Seeing my councillor now, had 2 sessions, got another one next Wednesday. So far so good. feel a little stupid sometimes, as it seems that I know what I need to be doing to feel better in myself, just doing it that is a problem! And when she asks questions, I seem to go blank, my memory is sooo bad! I got a little upset last session, feeling a little worthless, which came across quite stupid as I was saying how I seemed void of all emotion! We have some great kids, and I just feel everyone says you are doing a great job, but I don't think I am, or could be, if that makes sense?
Anyway, speaking of doing a great job, I really should get them dressed and sort out some lunch!
Monday, 14 July 2008
Rainy days and Mondays...
Well, haven't blogged for a few weeks as I got a call saying my Grandad didn't have long to live, so rushed up to be with him. I'm glad I went when I did, as I got to see him with him knowing we went, and were there, as the next day we changed his medication which made him sleep more and be 'out of it' most of the time, as he was getting panicky with the hiccups and struggling to catch his breath. It was 'all part of the process of dying'. I sat and held his hand a few times when I was up, and felt so useless compared to my brother who was so wonderful and caring with him. I think he went up twice a day to be with him, and was with him at the end, along with my sister and mum. My dad was asleep, and I was 1o minutes too late.
A lot was said, a lot of hurt was felt, and there will always be a distance between my family now. My brother and sisters and I all held our own private 'ceremony' after the cremation on Friday, where it dutifully rained all day, up at the clock tower where my grandma wanted her ashes to be, but they never got there due to my father's wishes and his awful philandering. My brother and one sister only found this out at his death, and my brother was so distraught. He feels as though everything has been taken from him, as he really looked up to my grandad, like a father. We have agreed that we will meet up once a year on their wedding anniversary, and have a meal or just go for a drink, and remember them and their strong relationship, which is a wonderful example of true love. We also agreed that if out parents say anything about any of us, we will go to that person and check if it is true, as so many lies were told, it really was heart breaking.
My mum may be getting back together with my dad, who inherited my grandad's flat and money. She is undecided, but they are still friends, and spend a lot of time together....what a mess! She just needs to cut him out of her life and get on with hers. And he needs to crawl off into a dark pit.
My diet obviously took a nose dive, and after loosing 3lb the week before I left, in the two weeks I was away I gained 3.5lb! To be expected though, and I am back on track today! I am going to do this!
The house sale, that is not going to happen. For what we would get for it its not worth it. So we are hanging on to it ... for now. Still worried about money, but come to the conclusion so is everyone!
Well, that is all for now, must get on with tidying the mess of a house and washing the mountain of clothes!
A lot was said, a lot of hurt was felt, and there will always be a distance between my family now. My brother and sisters and I all held our own private 'ceremony' after the cremation on Friday, where it dutifully rained all day, up at the clock tower where my grandma wanted her ashes to be, but they never got there due to my father's wishes and his awful philandering. My brother and one sister only found this out at his death, and my brother was so distraught. He feels as though everything has been taken from him, as he really looked up to my grandad, like a father. We have agreed that we will meet up once a year on their wedding anniversary, and have a meal or just go for a drink, and remember them and their strong relationship, which is a wonderful example of true love. We also agreed that if out parents say anything about any of us, we will go to that person and check if it is true, as so many lies were told, it really was heart breaking.
My mum may be getting back together with my dad, who inherited my grandad's flat and money. She is undecided, but they are still friends, and spend a lot of time together....what a mess! She just needs to cut him out of her life and get on with hers. And he needs to crawl off into a dark pit.
My diet obviously took a nose dive, and after loosing 3lb the week before I left, in the two weeks I was away I gained 3.5lb! To be expected though, and I am back on track today! I am going to do this!
The house sale, that is not going to happen. For what we would get for it its not worth it. So we are hanging on to it ... for now. Still worried about money, but come to the conclusion so is everyone!
Well, that is all for now, must get on with tidying the mess of a house and washing the mountain of clothes!
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